Dear Mrs Oliveros-Elvidge,

Welcome to 10 Downing Street for your work experience. We’re all terribly impressed that you managed to get an almost immediate decision out of the Prime Minister when you button-holed him at The Prince’s Trust.

We prepare this memo for all new starters, just to give them a few tips about life behind the famous black door and to set out some important do’s and don’ts to make your stay here happier.

1. Don’t go into the war room. It’s strictly for the members of the war council. The PM is frightened the election slogan will be stolen or that someone will upset the big map of the marginal seats (that’s all of them).

2. Don’t watch TV at noon on a Wednesday.

3. Don’t use Ed’s “investment versus cuts” mug. He won the last two elections with that cup.

4. Do, if you see a big guy wandering around, with his ear glued to a mobile, answering to the name of Damian (that’s the bloke not the mobile), say you’ve never seen him.

5. Do suggest a project identifying schools and hospitals that the Tories will close down as a matter of raw ideology. They will, you know.

6. Don’t call Lord Mandelson “Peter”. He has very many other possible titles to choose from and all of them are grander than Peter.

7. Do pop out to the bank when you need to as long as you point out that it was saved by the Government and the Tories would have let it fail.

8. Don’t mention Tony Blair. He doesn’t work here any more.

I hope that helps. I would say have fun but there’s precious little chance of that. In later years you’ll able to put it down to experience.