Be it enacted by the Queen’s most Excellent and relatively pithy Majesty, by and with the advice and consent of the Lords Spiritual, Temporal and self-stupefied by virtue of their own stupendous prolixity, and Commons, in this present pompous Parliament assembled, and by the authority of the same, as follows:-

1.—(1) All laws, Bills, treaties, grand plans and ministerial doodles passing themselves off as same that are brought before these Houses shall henceforth, in the interests of the public good and in spite of any diminution of the self-esteem of these Houses’ members or of the legal profession broadly defined, be simultaneously translated, for publication in parallel columns in all official documents for rapid reference by whomsoever chooses to peruse them, into the language known, by latter-day campaigners but also by Edward VI, who practically slit his wrists rather than wade through all the stuff he had to sign into law, as plain English.

(2) Without prejudice to the generality of subsection (1) above, a scheme under this section will provide for the payment of grants to: (a) legislative draftspeople willing to adapt to their changed circumstances and seeking courses in English as a foreign language; (b) those same draftspeople unwilling to adapt and seeking retraining as plumbers; and (c) the winner of an annual prize for the most perspicacious reminder of the value of intelligible language in public life. An example is given hereinafter: Get on with it. (What took you so long?) Write laws that we can all understand even if there is a purpose to be served in leaving us completely confused.