It was, after all, a hugely successful World Cup. Well-planned football full of flair and excitement meant that the beloved men in white far exceeded shamefully low expectations. We should be proud at finishing third. We are, you see, all Germans now.

This conclusion is confidently asserted by scientists at University College London, who have used computer models to make sense of a discrepancy between science and archaeology. The former suggested that the invading Anglo-Saxons swiftly commanded this island’s gene pool. The latter believed this impossible because of the comparatively small number of migrants who made it from Germany. The answer, according to UCL, is that the new-comers presided over an apartheid-like society and used their military power and economic advantage to outbreed the locals. The poor Celt, known as the Welshman to his Anglo-Saxon masters, did not have a chance. Restricted by curbs on intermarriage, his genes were swamped over 15 generations by the rampaging fresh arrivals. It was the first strategic use of the German towel to dominate the pool.

This provides flesh for the anecdotal bones with which England fans returned from Germany this summer. Their surprise in having discovered a people who were really rather pleasant is explained: they’re actually just like us! From this flow a number of happy consequences. We can talk about the war. We need no longer feel that the origins of our Royal Family make it slightly “foreign”. And we can claim a collective total of four World Cups. But there is one crucial fact that undermines the whole scientific theory. Why can’t we take penalties?