Jun 08, 1981

Moreover …. Miles Kington

Many otherwise perfectly normal people find that they are not naturally left or right, and have a strong urge to vote for a party in the middle. Doctors say that this is quite natural and certainly nothing to be ashamed of. But confusion and depression may be caused by not knowing whether you are a Liberal or SDP person, so I have devised a little test to establish your identity firmly:

Which attitude is most nearly yours? (a) I intend to vote Social Democrat because the SDP has people like Bill Rodgers, Shirley Williams, Dr Owen and Roy Jenkins (b) I intend to vote Liberal because the SDP has people like Bill Rodgers, Shirley Williams, Dr Owen and Roy Jenkins.

What was the name of David Owen’s recent book? (a) I’m Getting My Act Together and Putting it on the Road (b) Warrington DC (c) Slim Along with Dr David Owen (d) Before I Answer That Question, May I Just Say This?

You overhear someone say: “I’d always thought of him as young but on the TV last night he suddenly looked old”. Do you immediately think of (a) Tony Benn (b) David (c) Prince Charles (d) David (e) Cliff Richard (f) yourself?

You are disgusted by the way British politics never gets beyond sordid party manoeuvring. You think the best way to combat this is (a) to create a brand new party (b) no, hold on, that could only make things worse (c) as if things could be any worse (d) well, at least the SDP has never had a sex scandal in its history.

What was your reaction when you heard that Tom Ellis, MP for Wrexham, had left Labour to join the SDP? (a) Where? (b) I’m not surprised, the way they’ve played this season (c) Ellis? Owen? Jenkins? Williams? But I only left the Labour Party because it had too damn many Welshmen in it . . .

When you see a photo of the Gang of Four in the paper, what do you think? (a) It’s nice to see at least one national executive looking united (b) I’d always thought of Roy Jenkins as old, but he’s suddenly looking quite young (c) It’s Beyond the Fringe all over again — a doctor with three supporting comics.

You are watching an old movie on TV. The girl is in the arms of a young man. Suddenly James Cagney bursts in waving a gun and asks her to move to one side so he can shoot the young man (probably because he has left Cagney’s gang to start a new moderate, centre gang). In your fantasy life, what would you do to rescue him? (a) Jump through a window firing off Britain’s nuclear deterrent (b) Crash through the skylight waving last October’s party conference decision against shooting (c) “I am Shirley Williams and this is too ridiculous for words”.

Results: If you assume you’ve got maximum points, you are Tory. If you assume you have the same points as the majority, you are Labour. If you think the point-scoring system is bound to be unfair to you, you are Liberal. If you are not sure what you think, you are SDP.