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Poor parenting is a bit like obscenity - we all know it when we see it. As a society we condemn the gym-slip mother smoking a fag while holding her toddler. We deplore the father smacking his young son. We roll our eyes at the tween girl dressed in a miniskirt and skimpy haltertop that reads "Hottie".

It's easy to point to the less educated working class for these kind of examples. And there are some terrible parents of every class who abuse, neglect and fail to nurture their children. Yet for the vast majority of parents the issue of poor parenting is less one of class than of measures.

In any given day there are a thousand ways and opportunities to be a bad parent. Scream at your child to put his shoes on? Give your two-month-old baby formula? Let your daughter watch a few hours of TV? These are all actions that establishment experts condemn. When you aren't following the advice of experts - dished out in books, television shows, magazines articles and even advertisements - then in our society you are not achieving success.

We have turned parenting into a series of tasks and decisions that must be done "right" if we are to fulfill our role as "proper" parents. It doesn't just begin in the child's infancy. These days it starts at birth - did you have a natural birth, cut the cord and bond immediately with the baby on your chest? Or even earlier. Drink a glass of wine while pregnant and it's all over.

Often we point to our own childhoods as idyllic days, when "good" parenting had a very different definition - support and love, benign neglect, mum and dad doing the best they can and kids learning by doing. A good parent was one that wiped the tears and kissed the knee when a child fell, not one that made sure he never fell at all.

Yet in the current landscape there's only one way to be a good parent, and that is to have saint-like patience, infinite knowledge of child development, and a wellspring of energy. It's a state that has to be continually renewed, moment to moment with every decision, with 100% success. It means you must never make a mistake, lose your temper or indeed be human.

No one can live up to that standard, so why do we continue to point the finger at others? Perhaps we're fearful of acknowledging just how far we are from the error-free ideal. We feel under pressure from all the studies and tests and diktats imposed on us. We are increasingly told our lives should revolve around our children - influencing decisions from where we buy our houses to how we spend our free time. When we see someone flouting the guidelines it threatens the very core concept that we've organised our lives around.

When it comes to such an important task as creating a family, we are all a little bit defensive. Which is why "poor parenting" has become and will remain a hot topic. Until mothers and fathers have the confidence to make decisions without consulting the experts, we'll be parenting in a judgmental, perfectionist system that by necessity needs people at the bottom to look down on. To borrow the words of Gore Vidal, "It's not enough to succeed. Others must fail."

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Join the Debate: Read Jennie Bristow on Why parents should break the rules

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Jennifer Howze is lifestyle editor of Times Online and blogs on Alpha Mummy, the Times Online parenting blog