(1) Bullies. Remember in the playground some big kid would sidle up to a little kid? “Hey, Saddam, you are all right, you are. Now, take this stick and go and hit him over there. Don’t worry, I’m behind you.” So Saddam hits the kid, knowing the bully is on his side. Next day, he is given a bigger stick, so he whacks him harder. Until one morning: “Hey, Saddam. You know what? You’re not my friend any more. You think you are so tough. Come on, lads, let’s get him.” Our freedom is like that.

(2) Toadies. A whole cabinet of lefties, liberals, former Marxists, bleeding-heart socialists, peaceniks, civil rights activists and trade unionists. Do you not think it strange that among them, we could only find one prepared to tell the Prime Minister where to stick his job? As though we need lectures on freedom from jellyfish in suits.

(3) Reckoners. Post-hoc rationalisation is God’s gift to the columnist. To recap: we did not invade to bring democracy, female emancipation or Kurdish independence. We went in because Iraq had weapons of mass destruction. Except, it did not. So the reasons for going to war are as unjustifiable now, post-election, as they were before. There are many other countries in which basic democratic rights are ignored and whose leaders remain strangely unmolested by the freedom-mongers in the West.

(4) Chisellers. Of the £11.1 billion in oil revenues raised during US rule in Iraq, £4.8 billion is missing. On one occasion almost £800 million was transported to a bank in three helicopters and no deposit slip was obtained. Freedom, Coalition Provisional Authority-style.

(5) Bandits. It would seem that the big problem in the Middle East originates from something called weapons. And everybody has them. So if we stopped demonising little Hitlers and addressed the heart of the matter, we could declare war on arms dealers and countries that sold weapons, bomb them back to the Middle Ages instead. Then we would all be free to vote in peace. Obviously, the President wouldn’t have so many friends at his parties. But, hey, that’s freedom for you.

Next week: A Short List Of People Who Need A Slap.