FOR the busy mayor of a capital city, a bicycle is an indispensable tool of survival. I can get from Holborn to City Hall in 11 minutes. No single piece of technology – not even the mobile phone – is so vital. So here is my list of do’s and don'ts of cycling in London.

A is for abuse, which you must, frankly, learn to accept. You will get it from people driving lorries, cars, rubbish vans or any other type of four-wheeled vehicle. Motorists will scream at you if you so much as twang their wing mirror or leave the teensiest scuff in their paintwork, the kind of thing that would easily vanish with a good rub or, failing that, a dab of Humbrol model paint.

B is for bollocks, which is the most vigorous rejoinder you are permitted, preferably under your breath. No matter how grave the provocation, never scream back, since it jars everyone’s nerves and adds to the air of incivility in our streets. You may, at a pinch, mutter “belt up”.

Next week: crash helmets and death

Extracted from Have I Got Views for You, Harper Perennial, £7.99