S is for saddle I have had five bikes stolen in four years, which is a pretty devastating comment on law and order and the modern concept of meum and tuum. But the most traumatic moment was discovering someone had taken my saddle. Why? To what perverted end?

T is for thieves Who are everywhere and who will be tackled with sharia ruthlessness when the Tories come to power.

T is also for tyres Don’t bother with the knobbles. Don’t get all that heavy-tread mountain-bike stuff. London is full of tarmac. Get tyres of Kojakian baldness and smoothness, and you’ll shave 10 minutes off a 45-minute trip.

U is for umbrella Perhaps the only advantage a pedestrian has over a cyclist in rain. I have a kind of rubber burqa, but sometimes it covers my eyes and is frankly dangerous.

Next week: V-signs and women cyclists

Extracted from Have I Got Views for You, Harper Perennial, £7.99