A new book co-written by a former New York cabbie aims to turn accepted traffic teaching on its head. Called the Bad Driver’s Handbook, it does away with the pretence of caring and considerate driving and reveals the rules of the road we all know to be true: cursing, cutting up and being generally pushy and unhelpful.

Subtitled Hundreds of Simple Manoeuvres to Frustrate, Annoy and Endanger Those Around You, the book includes advice on how to push in at queues (“hesitation is a sign of weakness”), how to read signs (“a good road sign should be like poetry: direct, concise but subject to multiple interpretations”) and includes a chapter headed “Tailgating: How close is not close enough?” But beneath the humour the handbook puts forward a compelling argument rarely acknowledged by traffic authorities: if everyone obeyed the rules of the road to the letter the result would be chaos.

It argues that bad driving is an essential part of the smooth running of the road network, that it is the informal shortcuts and commonly acknowledged cheats that keep the system on the move.

By contrast, good driving in the traditional sense “fails to account for the universally accepted concept of the flow of traffic and ignores necessary situations and adjustments . . . Police officers sometimes fall victim to a rigid interpretation of the vehicle code. But in truth it is a living document and it’s your responsibility as a driver to interpret the code according to ever-changing conditions”.

To this end the book is designed to parody more conventional — and worthy — guides. There are sections devoted to passing your driving test, buying a new car and dealing with mechanics, while at the same time skewering the often blinding obviousness of such guides. “You may legally use your horn to: a) Alert another driver to your presence, b) Inform another driver that he’s an a**hole, c) Inform the residents of your girlfriend’s neighbourhood that you are here to pick her up and that you are pissed off that she isn’t ready, or d) Punctuate an important moment in a song.

Not all the advice offered is practical. Drivers who have been caught speeding are urged to invoke Einstein’s theory of relativity to befuddle the policeman: “I was going at 85 compared to what? If you consider me to be the reference point then it was you who was going at 85.”

Alternatively you can justify speeding on the basis that statistics show people who spend most time on the road are most likely to be involved in accidents: cutting down on journey time by travelling faster therefore means you are less likely to have an accident.

Non car users are given a predictably rough ride. Detailed advice is offered on how to intimidate pedestrians, while cycle lanes are described as a “naked land grab engineered by the bicycle manufacturing industry”.

Naturally none of this will be of much use to drivers who find themselves on the wrong side of the law, but for those idle traffic jam moments there is enough to keep the average driver occupied.

One philosophical pause, borrowed from the notion that a tree makes no sound if it falls in a forest where there is nobody to hear it, asks: “If you speed through an intersection and a policeman isn’t there to witness it, did you speed at all?” In Gatso Britain, of course, the answer is yes.

The Bad Driver’s Handbook by Zack and Larry Arnstein is published on August 6 by Santa Monica Press, £8.99

TIPS FROM THE TERRIBLE DRIVER'S HANDBOOK

Bumper stickers
Just because someone does not have a bumper sticker that says “How is my driving?” with a number to call, doesn’t mean they don’t want to know what their driving is like. Assume all drivers really want to know and that the ones without a phone number want to know straight away.

Beware people who ask directions
People who are from around where you live know where they’re going. It’s only outsiders who don’t have any business driving around your neighbourhood who stop you to ask directions.

Helpful phrases for when you are navigating
“You were supposed to turn left back there.”
“That was our exit.”
“Where are you going?”

Car alarms
Car alarms are expensive, but you’ll sleep better at night knowing your car is protected, especially if it’s parked at least three blocks away from where you’re sleeping so you won’t be bothered when it goes off.

Pre-emptive honking
Say you’re stopped at a light behind someone who you suspect will not notice when the lights change. By pre-emptive honking before the lights change, you will make sure that the driver will be ready when they do.

Road signs you can ignore
A sign posted inside a building like a parking garage purporting to tell you where you can turn is not a real road sign. You can ignore it completely. This is also true of signs posted in drive-through fast food restaurants and other businesses. Are you going to let Ronald McDonald tell you what to do?

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