Ignore price tags
This is the flipside of the supercar rule. Money doesn’t matter in cool. It’s the man walking down the street with a baby syndrome. Men may think this is an irksome, middle-aged predicament, but women who have their Mills & Boon goggles on see a hunk rescuing a puppy from a burning house. Likewise cheap cars are fine — a Fiat Panda, a Clio or most other European superminis are fantastically cool.

It's different for the sexes
A girl looks cool driving a TVR, whereas a man does not. A girl looks cool in a Mitsubishi Evo, a man does not. A girl looks cool in a Smart Roadster, a man does not. Sadly, though, it doesn’t work the other way round. There are no cars that girls don’t look cool in but men do.

Colour matters
Some colours are overdone and render a car uncool. People buy cars in silver because they think it’s subtle and understated — a bit of Armani rather than Versace — but it’s about as original as exposed brick in loft apartments. Some colours, though, can make a car. I believe the Golf GTI, for example, to be inherently uncool, but in white that’s a different story.

Not all the badge is uncool
Most car companies have at least one car in the line-up that’s cool, so don’t write off a whole brand. Even Toyota has the funky little Yaris, and BMW has the 6-series coupé. Sift through the Polos and Passat estates at Volkswagen, and you’ll find the much-overlooked Phaeton.

Never discuss cool with salesmen
Just don’t even go there, as they have no idea what you’re on about. These are the people, remember, who try to entice customers into their showrooms by covering the forecourt with balloons. I ask you, what successful businessman in his forties, driving home, thinks: “Yes! Balloons. I must go in that shop and get a new Audi.”

Accessorising doesn't work
Trinny and Susannah may be able to liven up the woman who prices the fruit and veg in Asda with the deft addition of a belt or whatever, but sadly you cannot accessorise a car into cool. A Ford Fusion with a spoiler will merely look like a Ford Fusion with a spoiler that wishes it was still in Halfords.

Private plates are the worst crime. A 5 will never look like an S, and B16 B0Y will never spell Big Boy or be funny. The only useful accessory is dirt: not washing a Ferrari means you don’t care, which is a good signal to send out.

What Not to Drive, by Andy Wilman and Richard Hammond, is published by Weidenfield & Nicolson at £7.99. Copies can be ordered for £7.59 with postage from The Sunday Times BooksFirst on 0870 165 8585, or online at www.timesonline.co.uk/booksfirst

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