Jeremy Clarkson
Life's A Picnic
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From
April 29, 2007
Nissan Qashqai 2.0 Tekna (4x4)
Trying sooo hard not to be a hatchback
As you may know, I do not like stretched limousines very much. And nor do I care much about the wellbeing of the planet. It’s big and old enough to be able to look after itself. So I was not best pleased last week when the BBC announced that I was to be picked up at Los Angeles airport in something called an eco limo.
Horrible visions kept me awake and sweating on the flight. It’d be an elongated Prius with a nasal George Monbiot at the wheel. Or a G-Wiz with a trailer full of wheat juice. Or a tandem with Bill Oddie at the front and a disturbingly empty saddle at the back.
I needn’t have worried, though, because while California is embracing all aspects of the green revolution, it seems it really hasn’t got the hang of a nuclear-free fairtrade peace limo.
It was a Ford Excursion, the largest SUV made by Ford. It was so big, in fact, that it was parked outside terminals one, two and three. And the back was picking up someone else . . . in San Francisco.
This is a car that weighs more than most people’s houses, and the eco version weighs even more because they’ve taken out the petrol engine and replaced it with the same diesel motor that’s used to move the space shuttle to its launch pad. When it chugged into life you could see people at the airport diving for the earthquake shelters.
No matter, emblazoned down the side was a green sign saying it was an eco limo, and in the back were certificates from the state of California, commending the vehicle’s owners for their responsible attitude towards Mother Earth.
The driver, a chap we shall call Swampy Bin Laden, was very proud of his car; so proud that he launched immediately into a not very scientific lecture about the benefits and origins of the fuel he was using. “It’s from a bio-plant,” he beamed.
To hammer the point home, he’d placed some stickers in the back window that said: “This vehicle runs on foreign oil.” Only the word “foreign” had been crossed out and replaced with the word “vegetable”.
I asked him if he would mind using British oil, expecting that this might have him stumped. “Yessir, I would,” he replied. “But,” I said, “you don’t mind leaving all the world’s normal oil in the ground and running your car on what could be an African’s lunch?” Bzzz went his head. Then he twitched a bit. For a while he looked a bit like a sci-fi robot that had been given conflicting orders.
Other motorists, however, thought he might be the second coming. At every set of lights they’d pull up alongside and wave their arms about, frantically pointing to the back of the car as though it might be on fire. But no. They simply wanted to know as much as possible about bio-plants before the lights turned as green as they hoped to be.
“It runs real good,” said Swampy, which was a lie. It had the smoothness of a Bulgarian road drill and the volume of a swimming pool full of kids. And every time he wanted to make it move he had to plant his foot deep into the carpet. “Yeah. And I’m getting 16 to the gallon,” he’d add. I seriously doubt that. Not with the air-conditioning on full blast and his shoe in the engine bay.
Swampy may have thought he was doing his bit for the world, sticking a lentil into the side of George Bush. But the truth was that every time he started that engine half the bougainvillea bushes in LA County withered and died.
An eco limo cannot be. It’s like a torpedo that’s built to be harmless or an alcohol-free beer. It has no point. It is as useless as a Jamaican pathologist. One element of the name will always cancel out the other. If you want to be green, you can’t tool around town in a limo. And if you want a limo, you are on a hen night in Bradford and the only green element of that is what comes out of your stomach at four in the morning when you’re on your hands and knees in a shop doorway.
Now, though, I’m back from the land of the free and the home of the confused and am behind the wheel of a Nissan Kumquat, which offers another solution to the problem of making an eco-friendly four-wheel-drive car. Cleverly, it doesn’t have four-wheel drive.
Oh, it looks like a four-wheel driver, which means other road users will think you’ve just come back from a kayaking expedition up the Zambezi. And yes, it’s named after an Iranian tribe and means, literally, “Your marines are rubbish”. But don’t be fooled because the base models at least are just run-of-the-mill, two-wheel-drive five-seater hatchbacks with plastic kneepads.
Brilliant. You can’t drive it across a field or through a puddle but it looks like an SUV, which means you must bathe in a sea of hate from the world’s liberal democrats every time you go anywhere. That sounds like lose lose.
It’d be like walking into a crowd with a false beard and a backpack full of alarm clocks and then shouting: “Only kidding.” That’s why I chose to test the top-of-the-range model, which does have four-wheel drive. This is like walking into a crowd with a backpack full of explosives and then actually exploding.
Of course you might say at this point that you don’t need a four-wheel-drive car, and that you’d rather just have a normal Nissan hatch. Tough, I’m afraid, since Nissan doesn’t actually make a normal hatchback any more. The Kumquat, it says, is the future. And it’s not a warped Japanese idea of the future either. It was designed in Paddington and engineered in Bedfordshire. It really is as British as a plate of Chinese chicken, except of course Nissan these days is French.
Anyway, the problem with making a family hatch butch is that it becomes bigger and therefore harder to park. And heavier, too, which means less oomph and more frequent trips to the pumps. The downsides seem big on paper but in reality all is surprisingly good.
The Kumquat rides smoothly, thanks to independent suspension, and if a sensor detects that you may have been too exuberant with the throttle, some of the power is sent to the back wheels. Engine-wise, I tried both the turbodiesel, which was fine, and the 2 litre petrol, which was perfectly all right.
To drive, then, it’s good. And it’s a nice place to be as well. Sure, you don’t get three rows of seats or a back bench that swivels or revolves or turns into an ice breaker, and at first that’s disappointing. But then you don’t get these things in a Ford Focus either and that’s what the Kumquat – despite appearances – is up against.
The Ford, of course, is nicer to drive – with a lower centre of gravity it has to be, and it’s easier to park as well. And cheaper. And more roomy in the back. And is the one I’d buy.
But I sort of get the Kumquat. For all its abilities, and there are many, the Focus is a bit boring. The Nissan isn’t. It gives you a sense of wellbeing, a sense that while you may live in a normal house with two normal children, at least the car you use makes you look a little bit interesting.
What’s more, if anyone does come up at the lights and ask what on earth you’re driving, and what kind of gas mileage you get you can just take a leaf out of Swampy Bin Laden’s book. And lie.
Vital statistics
Model Nissan Qashqai 2.0 Tekna (4x4)
Engine 1997cc, four cylinders
Power 138bhp @ 6000rpm
Torque 144 lb ft @ 4800rpm
Transmission Six-speed manual
Fuel 33.6mpg (combined cycle)
CO2 204g/km
Acceleration 0-62mph: 10.6sec
Top speed 118mph
Price £19,499
Rating 
Verdict An interesting car for normal people
Qashqai is the best car I've ever owned. Built quality, interior finish, looks and comfort are excellent.Getting 36mpg from 2litre petrol engine. Dislikes---None!
Peter Coulthard, Houghton-le-Spring, England
I think Kumquat is an altogether better name. It even sounds green. I hope they are cheap second hand, as I would quite like one.
Andrew, London, England
I have just brought one, i had it in black it looks smart, drives beautiful, its the best cari ave ever driven, its so comfortable it untrue.The service from Westway nissanStourbrige was exceptional, the staff went above and beyond for me it took two weeks to get a brand new qashqi up and running for me i am over the moon.
Tracey Bunce, Wednesbury, West Midlands
I have just bought one and it is certainly the best car I have ever driven. I use it primarily for work, and I have ginally found a car I feel safe in, even during the odd hours I work, which can go right through the night. I like the style, the layout, and I feel very positive about its safety specs, and I would highly reccomend it to anyone who was thinking of changing their car .
Gina Barrett, Deryneia, Cyprus
I have one - I love it. It is beautiful to look at - and drives very well - on long journeys its petrol consumption is reasonable. The sat nav has given me some interesting adventures including driving cows up a Cornish lane, and seeing wonderful scenery off the normal A roads, all this it did with great aplomb. I am grateful for the rear camera for reversing it is such a relief for my frozen shoulder! It has been quite an experience getting used to all the lovely toys. I am not surprised it has got a good safety score it feels as strong as a tank and on the whole people get out of the way. “Its not easy being green!â€
Kathy, Bognor Regis , Sussex
I drive a Ford Focus and have a few niggling problems with the last 2 models i've had.The main Ford dealers after sales service left alot to be desired so took a Qashqai for a test.I found it great and responsive to drive and the dealership were a pleasure to deal with,so i'm afraid its bye bye to Ford for me next year.
James Foley, Roscommon, Ireland
Wouldnt it be far more green not to move, not to eat and die young... don't take shower and not brush your teeth... what a healhty earth we will have...
sg, birmingham, uk
There is no 'Auto' in 4x4 All-mode. There is 4x2 mode, that gives traction only to front wheels, 4x4 mode, that gives traction to back wheels based on driving needs, and 'Lock' mode, wich blocks the traction distribution 50-50 between front and back wheels, and is only operable up to 40 km/h.
David CC, Taradell, Catalunya
Thanks jeremy you have just helped me make up my mind about the Qashqui! I have just returned from a kayaking trip up the zambezi so now i know this is the car for me and besides everyone i know drives a Golf yawn!
Susannah Mayne, london, uk
Actually the Qashqai IS 4x4, on higher spec versions, for 2.0 petrol and diesel engines. And it has a higher ground clearance than Toyota Rav4. It also has the brilliant X-Trail all-mode 4x4, which means you can choose between 4x2, 4x4 and Auto (car decides).
Jeremy has quite a great journalist style, but about Qashqai's capabilities is not very well informed.
Xilen, Bucharest, Romania
Wait, they're only going to have the Qashqai? What about the Tiida? Isn't that on sale there?
For the record, the Qashqai's coming here (Australia) later this year, and they're calling it the Dualis.
Dean, Geelong, Victoria, Australia
Actually Swampy was likely correct abou the mileage. The Ford Excursion diesel gets at least 16mpg city....biodiesel or dinosaur diesel. It is the same engine as the 1 ton pickups... I have several friends who use them for towing and even with towing a 26ft enclosed box trailer with a car inside they get over 12mpg... and you can buy them second-hand for the equivalent of 10-12 thousand pounds.
jim, arlington hts, il
The reasoning behind the 'Kumquat' is pure market cynicism, and reminds me how little we've progressed since the Matra Rancho - another ill thought out fraud.
As for the name, you have to remember that this is the company (under the Datsun name) that marketed the 'Cedric'. People are trousering shed loads to come up with these brilliant ideas!!
Adrian Taylor, Rotherfield, East Sussex
Anyone who claims to be worried about CO2 emissions should have their car converted to run on LPG. Otherwise they're just an eco-windbag. As usual, Jeremy is totally honest.
Ivor Duarte, Shepperton, Middx
"wouldn't it be far more green to not have a car."
As green as it is not to have a car, Why would that sway your descision?
Cars are a wonderful thing, and denying people them because of personal liberal guilt is a really narrow minded thing to do. More narrow minded, infact, than owning a Range Rover.
So, despite the possible greenness of you not owning a car, don't force that on other people... That applies to any self proclaimed eco-nut.
Heres an idea, lets force Greenpeace members to own 4x4's until they stop medaling in other peoples lives.
Anyway, great article Jeremy - keep up the good work!
Owen, Wales,
Matthew Parris Mondays to Saturdays. Sundays is Clarkson. The Sunday Times, for me, is Clarkson. As always, I would pay ten times that amount to read both their columns. I am sorry, but there is something about both these guys. Both, totally different, both, always get it just right.
Alan Howarth, Milton Keynes, Buckinghamshire
Very good yet still amusing article Mr C your short departure's obviously worked wonders in refreshing your unique style the car sounds good too - although as you say its now French which would put me of & sadly I dont have 20k to spend :-(
D Jenkins, Staffordshire,
Oh yeah, and by the way, those of you who want Top Gear to stop because of the type of cars they review, please feel free to send your reviews about the Toyota Prius you have bought. I'm sure it's an excellent car and that the planet will be saved because of you.
If I don't want to read some humorous writing I would post here now, would I? I would post on duller sections feauturing "serious" articles written by "serious" writers.
C & T, Bugibba, Malta
I have to say I disagree with you guys. In my opinion this is one of Jeremy's best articles. So what if his articles are funny?? His style is unique since he blends humour with car reviewing, and that makes it more interesting for non-car fans. Believe me when I say that his style isn't anywhere near past the best by date, as someone wishes to imply. And no, he doesn't use his humour to keep Top Gear running. Anyone who believes this has either needs to get laid or is part of those group of people who wants the program to stop, because they think it promotes speed or something. FYI reviews are done in a bloody airfield, where noone else is "in danger" but the reviewer himself. I mean, can anyone come up with the name of any other program where a review of an LP640 has been done?? I can't. Some other evidence to support my arguments are the millions of tv viewers who tune in every sunday evening to watch Top Gear.
Anyways, great article as always Jeremy. Keep up the good work!!
C & T, Bugibba, Malta
Jeremy, are you bored?
Stop writing rubbish in a style which I regret to tell you is now well past the best by date. Make some effort!
You can do better than this.
Brian Herren, Guildford, UK
Let's face it - Clarkson long ago gave up being a serious motoring journalist in favour of being an entertainer for whom cars are just useful props. So, as expected, a Clarkson review is strong on witty one liners, full of outrageous ego and very short of real information or objective assessment. It's like the Top Gear TV programme - very good light entertainment but not really about cars or motoring. Fine of that's what you want but I read motoring columns to read about cars.
Kevin, Kent,
And yes, it’s named after an Iranian tribe and means, literally, “Your marines are rubbish”
Mwahahahaha!! Hilarious!
Ryno, Pretoria, South Africa
Typical Jeremy review.. 80 % about me, me, me and 10 %
about the car .
The other 10 % usual stereotypical dross.
In previous reviews he talks about cars being "boring and bland" just what sort of relationship is he expecting to have with them ???
Henry Raison, Portsmouth, Hants
If you take a good look at a map of the USA, you'll notice that it's tilted down and to the left. As a result, everything that's loose in the America slides into LA.
Mark, New Jersey, USA
To Patrick from London, while it may be a viable option in a city like London not to have a car, the rest of us in the real world have to contend with terrible or non-existant public transport in the country and thus have to have a car to get around whatever our views on the state of the planet.
David from Lemoore, I'd just like to reiterate the point that many British people try to make to Americans, that while you may think your 'gas' prices are high (39.7p/litre on average for a standard litre of gas - gasbuddy.com) prices in the UK are far higher (94.4p/litre -petrolprices.com). So, while your prices may be 'exhorborant,' ours are more than double.
Furthermore, I don't see how having a large car will protect you from being squashed by an enormous truck and the greater visibility argument doesn't stand up to much scrutiny, especially given the size of American built cars in general.
Why not save some money and help keep your gas prices down by going for better fuel economy?
Harry, Bristol, UK
Wouldnt it be far more green not to have children?
Peter East, Grays, Essex
Why the hilarity over the name of this car, when Jeremy never seems to have trouble pronouncing "Lamborghini Superleggera", "Ferrari Testarossa" or "Bugatti Veyron", which may not sound like soft fruit but do all sound like South American footballers?
Sam Tana, Preston, England
wouldn't it be far more green to not have a car.
patrick daykin, london, uk
gas guzzling? The problem is that autos share the roads with much larger vehicles, such as tractor-trailer rigs weighing up to 80,000 lbs and pickup trucks weighing in at 8,000lbs.
I will continue to pay exhorborant fuel prices (due primarily to rediculously high taxation) to be safe from larger vehicles on the road. And smaller vehicles are less likely to overlook my presence on the road, thereby avoiding collisions.
David59, Lemoore, Ca
Ho ho ho...your casual "nor do I care much about the well being of the planet" quip has just simply reduced me....you're such a hoot Jeremy and your 'devil may care' attitude is truly inspiring...what a geezer...the Times really does just keep getting better....quality stuff...
robf, liverpool,
Hmmmm... so, let's say that you really REALLY want a Nissan, for what ever reason you may have.
You could choose the Qashqai, or you could go for something that looks much nicer, seems more practical, and is more powerful, in the Murano.
And, lets face it, the Murano has a much less silly name, which should always be a critical element in the car buying decision.
Phil, Wellington, New Zealand
You're starting to see the beginnings of America wanting something other than gas-guzzling vehicles. As prices slowly go up for fuel and people become more aware of the effect on the planet, and the dependence on "hostile oil", there are more people looking at smaller machines like this one than ever before.
However, one of the biggest problems here (literally) are the multitudes of large cars and trucks already on the road. In an accident, mass still matters (or at least the disparity does), and so it will be a while before I buy something really tiny to put the planet's safety before my and my family's own...
Gus, Los Angeles, USA / CA
Every time i look at a a pic of the Qashqai,i think it must be a Vel Satis in drag.But, but, then the Vel Satis is an Espace in drag...has Jeremy not copped on yet? of course he has.He really has a liking for these clever French cars.
Mike Niblett, Castlewellan, United Kingdom
When I started to be worried about my weight, I switched to DIET Coke with my Snickers bar & people laughed - I said, I could have another 150 calories if I drank regular Coke. But they didn't seem to get it.
Similarly, there are people who WILL use a limo from the airport - but if at least some use alternative fuels, it will help a little.
Of course, here in Arizona, we despise Southern California, just about as much as Clarkson (although we are quite happy to fill San Diego beach property in Summer, when the temperatre is getting up towards 50C).
But does anyone notice what vehicles (in he USA) produce the most CO2 - Ferrari, Mercedes & Aston Martin - come on guys, give us some greener vehicles please - Saab & Volvo (aka Ford) are selling most of the bi-fuel & hybrid vehicles in Europe - can't y'all recipocate ?
Dave Cawdell, Phoenix, Arizona
Agree about the Eco-limo and the friendly torpedo comparison.
As for the Nissan, we've just bought a 1.6 Golf, which is a very good car of a similar size (well, other than height) for less money, and according to the on-board computer we are averaging just under 40mpg in general use with similar performance. I think we made the right choice.
Ian Blanchard, St Albans, UK
You can buy a BMW X5 in the US for this price!!!
TP, New Jersey,, USA
I thought a kumquat was a orangey thingy,so definitely not green,wich Jeremy was construeing too.
maurice, liverpool, uk
I love how you Europeans hate our lifestyle. If we wnated to overpay for smaller portions we would have stayed there in the first place. We got tired of knottheads like you telling us how to live so we left and for the better. Liberty, something you should not be afraid of. Oh, but then you might have to take responsibility for your own welfare. Well we can't have that can we? Long Live Jeremy at least he hates us for the right reasons!
Dan Mueller, Ft Deposit, AL
But I like alcohol-free beer. Not as much as a chilled bottle of English bacchus wine, I'll grant you.
As for the Kumquat, it's the sort of vehicle I'd like to see less of. Not because of any anti-4x4 sentiments but because it looks like a large cardboard box and accelerates at the rate of a tortoise on speed.
Given the choice of which to get stuck behind on a winding mountain road, I'd choose a low-loader carrying a lump of nuclear power station than the Kumquat.
Mark, Worthing,
16mpg from a car (of any description or variety) that is doing less than 120mph in 3rd gear! This is economy? I have a Ford Transit with a 20-foot house on the back than can outperform that, returning just below 30mpg cruising at 60mph.
If you want the US motor industry to go green then try haveing £1/liter prices - that just over 7 dollars/US gallon by my reckoning when American drivers are actually paying around less than 3$ per US gallon by April '07 prices.
KR, Stockport,
This car looks Ok but sounds about as eco-friendly as that Lexus 4 x 4 monster hybrid thingy. It's all relative I suppose. I mean, a bloody great Range Rover is pretty small and economical next to a Chieftain tank, as you well know. I think the sad truth is that, over here in the EU we can make great little cars and recycle our waste as much as we like, but unless the US start to understand what frugal really is - whether that be their average food portions or their average fuel consumption - than our efforts here will continue to be a drop in the ocean.
Alan B., Buxton, UK
I'm not certain what to think of this "thing." Nissan is effectively calling the Qashqai the "Rogue" here in North America, and I'm so certain what makes it so. Considering the amount of small, crossover wagon things out there, it may just be a guess, but the Qashqai/Rogue may as well join the also-ran category dominated by the Antara/VUE, CR-V/RDX, RAV-4, and Outlander. Whoo-freaking-hoo!
Thanks, but no thanks Nissan. Why this is any better than the Versa is just beyond me...
Brad Ysseldke, Grand Rapids, Michigan, USA
The nissan qashqai (it's pronounced somehow like "kashkai"), or kumquat, as you say, is, in my opinion, useless.
A bit like the BMW X3 that you've tested in Top Gear, it looks like an Offroader, but it only is an 3-series Estate with worse fuel economy.
Nissan should make a normal version of the Kumquat, because all in all it looks good and, from what i've read, it is also built not bad at all.
As usual, your columns are the best!
Fabrizio, Valmorea, Italy
The reason limo and chauffeur companies are 'going green' is to pander to their corporate clients who have to pander to the goverment which panders to its clients, no, not the electorate, the lobbies!
If we dould find a way to containerise this B.S we really would have cheap, and everlasting fuel, distibruted without opportunistic taxes.
Frank H., London,