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From The Sunday Times
December 7, 2008

Vauxhall Insignia 2.8 V6

An adequate way to drive to hell

Vauxhall Insignia
Jeremy Clarkson

I was in Dublin last weekend, and had a very real sense I’d been invited to the last days of the Roman empire. As far as I could work out, everyone had a Rolls-Royce Phantom and a coat made from something that’s now extinct. And then there were the women. Wow. Not that long ago every girl on the Emerald Isle had a face the colour of straw and orange hair. Now it’s the other way around.

Everyone appeared to be drunk on naked hedonism. I’ve never seen so much jus being drizzled onto so many improbable things, none of which was potted herring. It was like Barcelona but with beer. And as I careered from bar to bar all I could think was: “Jesus. Can’t they see what’s coming?”

Ireland is tiny. Its population is smaller than New Zealand’s, so how could the Irish ever have generated the cash for so many trips to the hairdressers, so many lobsters and so many Rollers? And how, now, as they become the first country in Europe to go officially into recession, can they not see the financial meteorite coming? Why are they not all at home, singing mournful songs?

It’s the same story on this side of the Irish Sea, of course. We’re all still plunging hither and thither, guzzling wine and wondering what preposterously expensive electronic toys the children will want to smash on Christmas morning this year. We can’t see the meteorite coming either.

BACKGROUND

BACKGROUND

I think mainly this is because the government is not telling us the truth. It’s painting Gordon Brown as a global economic messiah and fiddling about with Vat, pretending that the coming recession will be bad. But that it can deal with it.

I don’t think it can. I have spoken to a couple of pretty senior bankers in the past couple of weeks and their story is rather different. They don’t refer to the looming problems as being like 1992 or even 1929. They talk about a total financial meltdown. They talk about the End of Days.

Already we are seeing household names disappearing from the high street and with them will go the suppliers whose names have only ever been visible behind the grime on motorway vans. The job losses will mount. And mount. And mount. And as they climb, the bad debt will put even more pressure on the banks until every single one of them stutters and fails.

The European banks took one hell of a battering when things went wrong in America. Imagine, then, how life will be when the crisis arrives on this side of the Atlantic. Small wonder one City figure of my acquaintance ordered three safes for his London house just last week.

Of course, you may imagine the government will simply step in and nationalise everything, but to do that, it will have to borrow. And when every government is doing the same thing, there simply won’t be enough cash in the global pot. You can forget Iceland. From what I gather, Spain has had it. Along with Italy, Ireland and very possibly the UK.

It is impossible for someone who scored a U in his economics A-level to grapple with the consequences of all this but I’m told that in simple terms money will cease to function as a meaningful commodity. The binary dots and dashes that fuel the entire system will flicker and die. And without money there will be no business. No means of selling goods. No means of transporting them. No means of making them in the first place even. That’s why another friend of mine has recently sold his London house and bought somewhere in the country . . . with a kitchen garden.

These, as I see them, are the facts. Planet Earth thought it had £10. But it turns out we had only £2. Which means everyone must lose 80% of their wealth. And that’s going to be a problem if you were living on the breadline beforehand.

Eventually, of course, the system will reboot itself, but for a while there will be absolute chaos: riots, lynchings, starvation. It’ll be a world without power or fuel, and with no fuel there’s no way the modern agricultural system can be maintained. Which means there will be no food either. You might like to stop and think about that for a while.

I have, and as a result I can see the day when I will have to shoot some of my neighbours - maybe even David Cameron - as we fight for the last bar of Fry’s Turkish Delight in the smoking ruin that was Chipping Norton’s post office.

I believe the government knows this is a distinct possibility and that it might happen next year, and there is absolutely nothing it can do to stop Cameron getting both barrels from my Beretta. But instead of telling us straight, it calls the crisis the “credit crunch” to make it sound like a breakfast cereal and asks Alistair Darling to smile and big up Gordon when he’s being interviewed.

I can’t say I blame it, really. If an enormous meteorite was heading our way and the authorities knew it couldn’t be stopped or diverted, why bother telling anyone? Best to let us soldier on in the dark until it all goes dark for real.

On a more cheery note, Vauxhall has stopped making the Vectra, that dreary, designed-in-a-coffee-break Eurobox that no one wanted. In its place stands the new Insignia, which has been voted European car of the year for 2009.

This award is made by motoring journalists across Europe, and, with the best will in the world, the Swedes do not want the same thing from a car as the Greeks. That’s why they almost always get it wrong. Past winners have been the Talbot Horizon and the Renault 9.

They’ve got the Insignia even more wrong than usual because the absolutely last thing anyone wants right now, and I’m including in the list consumption, a severed artery and a massive shark bite, is a four-door saloon car with a bargain-basement badge.

Oh it’s not a bad car. It’s extremely good-looking, it appears to be very well made, it is spacious and the prices are reasonable. But set against that are seats that are far too hard, the visibility - you can’t see the corners of the car from the driver’s chair - and the solid, inescapable fact that the Ford Mondeo is a more joyful thing to drive.

In the past, none of this would have mattered. Fleet managers would have bought 100 of whichever was the cheapest, and Jenkins from Pots, Pans and Pyrex would have had no say in the matter. Those days, however, are gone. The travelling salesman is now an internet address, and the mini MPV has bopped the traditional saloon on the head. I cannot think of the question in today’s climate to which the answer is “A Vauxhall Insignia”. And I’m surprised my colleagues on the car of the year jury didn’t notice this as well.

Then I keep remembering the Renault 9 and I’m not surprised at all.

I feel, I really do, for the bosses at GM who’ve laboured so hard to make this car. It’s way better than the Vectra. It looks as though they were bothered. But asking their dealerships to sell such a thing in today’s world is a bit like asking men in the first world war trenches to charge the enemy’s machinegun nests with spears.

Right now, there are two paths you can go down. You can either adopt the Irish attitude to the impending catastrophe and party like it’s 1999. In which case you are better off ignoring the Vauxhall and buying a 24ft Donzi speedboat instead.

Or you can actually start to make some sensible preparations for the complete breakdown in society. In which case you don’t want a Vauxhall either. Better to spend the money on a pair of shotguns and an allotment.

The Clarksometer
Vauxhall Insignia 2.8 V6 4x4 Elite Nav
ENGINE 2792cc, six cylinders
POWER 256bhp @ 5500rpm
TRANSMISSION 258 lb ft @ 1900rpm
FUEL 24.4mpg (combined)
CO2 272g/km
ACCELERATION 0-60mph: 6.7sec
TOP SPEED 155mph
PRICE £28,280
ROAD TAX BAND G (£400 a year)
RELEASE DATE On sale now

Clarkson’s Verdict Who cares? We’re all doomed anyway

I purchased a brand new Vectra in 1998. and what a bucket of snot it was. 12 times back to the dealer while under warantry, and not much changed after the waranty ran out. and we are not talking minor faults. Quicker GM goes dow the pan the better

C Alexander, Perth, Australai

Clarkson is wrong about the insignia. Its a mid sized, rear wheel drive, decent performance and looks good; All from GM!! But if Mr Clarkson can't be swayed by the Insignia,then Clarkson you simply need to convince GM to bring them all to Australia and give them to HSV. Sick of IS250's and 3 serie

Kieran, Brisbane, Australia

I have a 2.2l Vectra that travelled 850 km on 1 tank of fuel on country roads in NSW. Yes, the new Mazda 6 and Honda Accords are newer, but my car holds about the same, has the similar built in features, but uses any fuel thrown in the tank. Clarkson, grow up and support Vauxhall cars.

Graeme McTighe, Sydney, Australia

I have been driving Vauxhalls for 40 years (yes I'm old !!!) with only 1 breakdown ( a cambelt) and because it was a Cavalier no damage was caused and it cost £11 to replace. I currently drive a CDTI Vectra and my wife has a CDTI Corsa. Both are great and I will soon be driving an Insignia.

Ian Crabbe, Horndean, U.K.

The Insignia is by far the best looking four door family saloon I have seen for some time. Mr Clarkson clearly has an aversion to all Vauxhall products and one day perhaps he'll say why. Fortunately, I ignore all his advice and look forward to replacing my current car with this work of art.

Chibi Nwosu, thorrock, essex

Yet again Mr. Clarkson's comments about a new product the Insigna will assist GM's demise which over the years has provided employment and vehicles for the masses in Europe, He should remember that the majority of the vehicles he enthuses over are only available to the minority.

John Dodson, Chester, United Kingdom

Dear Jeremy, we as South Africans would love to attend your shows but it is just a tad to expensive. Maybe you could keep this in mind for your next visit. I watch each and every show on the telly though... even though they're years behind your actual recording dates. May there be many more ;-)

Riaan, Johannesburg, South Africa

your a legend

curtis, littlehampton, england

Can I still eat my tinned food saved from the depression of 1987, 1991 & the end of days 2000? As for Vauxhall 'products'... Give me a GM built Buick any day. Sadly because of the incredible Global Warming we are experiencing the CO2 road tax would probably be £40,000 a year. Keep us smiling JC

Steve, Derby, UK

don't want to be a partyy-pooper.. but aren't your mates with the rollers and speed-boats part of the problem, and solution?

mount, dorset, gb

Financial meteorite...Jez that'll be the size of a small stone or grain of sand then so nothing to worry about. We should be concerned by the financial asteroid...that is more of a worry especially if it lands on your speedboat.

Peter, London,

ZR1 = £106,690 = $155,000. This car only cost $73,000 - how come so much money? This is twice the price of what this car cost. I would like to hear what you have to say about this.

Walter, Castel, Guernsey

What colour was the car? Sorry- I thought this was supposed to be a motoring section.

David, Maldon, UK

Perhaps Man is evolving? It is known we have spiritual powers and awareness. What if these were the important things in life? Not the toys we play with. Cars will still be needed but you won't need extreme poverty for this to happen. Starvation and War are part of our current structure.

Chris, London,

Its hilarious that people take Clarksons car reviews seriously. Sure once upon a time he was a motoring journalist, now he is an entertainer, and a good one at that. His car reviews are full of hyperbole and his political views simply because a lot of people like that, and agree with him.

jim, manchester, uk

Humpf... I have a vectra. Sure it under steers but here in Australia all the roads are straight so what do I care? Its a 4 cylinder too which means I can drive from Sydney to Melbourne on a tank of fuel costing me 58 dollars at todays petrol prices. This is a 876km trip. Do that in a Bently.

Dave Walker, Newcastle , Australia

it doesn't even sound like he's driven the insignia... the above sounds more like a political broadcast than a review.. The question to the answer "an insignia" is simple..."what is an affordable stylish 4 door hatch, that is within the realms of the common man" We all wish we had clarksons money.

Paul , Southampton, UK

Jeremy

You have misinterpreted our hedonism. It is precisely because we know what's coming that we're going off the rails.

I suggest you do the same and enjoy Christmas 2008 because the world is going to be a very different place next year.

Muc Beag, Dublin, Ireland

So jeremy has been listening to the kevin smith show and reading Jeff rense,unfortunetly he is right ,(as usual!).

michael walsh, manchester, uk

The article is readable enough, but Peak Oil is rubbish. There's a book called "The Deep Hot Biosphere" that goes into it. Oil is either abiotic and constantly produced within the earth as a dissenting school of geologists claim, or at the very least it's far more abundant than usually assumed.

Wally, Munich, Germany

He is right on ... The banksters and economists were in 'Don't worry be happy mode' yet a few saw this coming.. read JSMINEST everything he has said for the past 4 yrs has been coming true.
There are CONSEQUENCES to printing all this money .. Google - Weimer Germany !! Buy Gold

Eileen, Kootenays, Canada

"Spot the odd one out in the spec.
CO2 272g/km "

not so odd. also metric;
ENGINE 2792cc

Rick, Sydney,

Peak Oil = MYTH
Rob O' = You are spot on, money can be issued and circulated interest-free by governments, but they will not because mass death seems to be the order of the day. Or perhaps they won't because they are in receivership to the banks.
Neil = The word 'saloon' was used for "perspective"

Larry, Chandler, AZ,

Jeremy,

A perfect grasp of the situation.
"The binary dots and dashes that fuel the entire system will flicker and die."

I have a suggestion...
Turn preparing for the collapse of civilization as we know it into a party.

Keep yer head down, yer powder dry, yer knives sharp, and the goblets full.

Roger, LA, USSA

There are 'perfectly' good alternative economic systems that don't rely on slavery. Unfortunately most people are completely programmed by the system to believe in 'money from thin air', 'ank fraud, rigged stock markets, governments spending their money, all backed with ludicrous 'Law' NOT JUSTICE!

Rob O'Loughlin, Presteigne, United Kingdom

Spot the odd one out in the spec.
CO2 272g/km
Mixing metric with imperial: Who do you think you are? The History Channel.

Andrew Milner, Karuizawa, Japan

Go Jeremy you're spot on! Peak Oil and the Credit Crisis will come as one almighty shock for the majority of people, just look at the replies to your article, they've no idea how bad this will be. --BTW. Do you visit PowerSwitch? or are you there already, incognito.

Eileen, Runcorn,

A sedan is an enclosed, windowed chair, generally carried by 2 or more persons. A saloon the living area of a yacht, the mess on a ship for the deck officers or a public house / tavern.

What do they have to do with cars?

Neil Smith, Newcastle Upon Tyne, England

This or Mazda 6? Mazda 6. All the time.

Chris, Ottawa, Canada

Yes Jeremy tends to rant...I thought I was reading the wrong article for a while. I had to scroll to the end to be sure...lol
Aside from the bad economics lesson, the Insignia is a great car and stop calling for the demise of the sedan. Despite past warnings to the contrary, it's still here!

Dane, Ft Lauderdale FL, USA

Jeremy, we will need a real economy, not a huge bank sector, not a hairdo service economy, yup-you guessed! We will need to mass manufacture cars in the UK, produce steel, engineer. A dream come true! They say it is nearly always bad when your dreams come true in reality. They'll have three wheels

Rich Kightley, Southampton, UK

Bah, everything shall be alright in the end. Every ten years or so there has been some sort of crisis that we've all claimed will ruin us all, even when it's complete and utter nonsense (I cite the idiotic Y2K nonsense from about eight or nine years ago). As long as Morgan is still around...

Anthony Michael Erickson, Seattle, Washington, USA

PEAK OIL is the main reason for everything breaking apart. We told you so! nobody listened and now they believe that if the oil price will go down, it will stay there. It's so cheap because nobody has any more money to buy the stuff any more. Good article Jeremy, I hope they don't shoot you too.

Flo, Montreal, Canada

"The EXPERTS foretold it all as a result of the Millennium Bug and boy did they look silly on New Years Day!"
Problems didn't occur because tens of thousands of man hours were spent resolving the issue before it happened. It's called prevention.

Stevo, Dorset,

Economists have predicted 11 of the last 4 recessions. The Bankers have made some pretty idiotic decisions of late so I wouldn't put anything past them now. Still no reason to not learn how to make food instead of phoning for it.

Justin, Nr Lincoln , UKI

And oil was NEVER going to go back down, according to the vast majority of "experts"...

Gus Chyba, Newport Beach, California, USA

Well, it seems to me that Bankers and Government Officials never get it anyway because they are aren't actually in the business of creating wealth, just taking their cut off of the top. This is why they both support going after the mafia... because it is competition.

Dennis, Everett, USA

Better late than never Mr Clarkson. For years you have been taking the mickey from those who DID see it coming, the silly old Peak Oil crowd.
You are right, things are abouit to change drastically, but the financial collapse is just a part of it.

greg, exeter, uk

Nice to live in a country where nobody cares about the financial crisis.. We`ll always have money.

Audun Bakkevoll, Tromsø, Norway

ssshhhhh Jeremy! I've stocked 3 years worth of tinned food/fruit and gas; these views should be kept between those clever enough to understand what's going on!

Wayne, hammersmith,

If we're all on the road to hell, wouldn't it make sense to hit that road in anything but a Vauxhall? Perhaps to learn from the Irish and get a Bentley/Ferrari/whatever we can get a max loan on, since it's a loan we'll never need to pay when hell breaks loose. Or, perhaps more aptly, a Hummer.

Andy, Manchester, UK

C'mon Jezza! Your listening to the very people that got us into this mess in the first place. I was a senior exec at a major bank for years and never stopped marvelling at how the v. top management could be so consistently wrong. They are hybrid sheep/lemmings. Its bad yes but recovery in 2 years.

Ozzy, Reading, UK

Rubbish.
My dad was alive in1929, and this is nothing.

Gus Chyba, Newport Beach, California, USA

The markets melt, planes fall from the skies, no single computerised machine functions, missiles launch themselves believing they are under attack, riots, looting and pestilence ensue. The EXPERTS foretold it all as a result of the Millennium Bug and boy did they look silly on New Years Day!

Jim Hamilton, SAN JOSE, Costa Rica

as far as i am concerned the vectra was and is a very good car, i have owned mine now for just over 2 year's and have had nothing but a joyfull time with it, i am an avid member of a car club that is dedicated to the vectra- & signum...along with 11k other people.. www.vectra-c.com

richard pearson, nottm , england

I have to say I Love my Veccy and i'm now on my second,(http://www.vectra-c.com/)Join if you luv em too!!!
But Jezzer is also very very correct about just how difficult it will be to shift the Insignia in 09 and beyond.For me...I'll get a good discount,for GM its an impending nightmare :-(

Mark Ballinger, Middlesbrough, GB

I,m right with you
Luckily our kitchen is built over a well, so soon I will be tearing up the fake slate flagstones under the table and digging for water;
The lawn gets it next, which will be handed over to poultry of varying types;
Squirrel meat can also be tasty.
p.s.im a bit scared

phil richards, melton mowbray, uk

Things are bad for sure. But taking any notice of what senior bankers are saying has to be the first signs of dementia. Better go get yourself checked out Jeremy.

Phil, London,

Go Jem ! Go Jem ! tell it like it is.
I am jolly sure that there are more entertaining cars to buy for #29k. And your observations about the government ... oops I mean the economy are just the truth ... dressed up as ... umm the truth. I don't suppose that the nation is ready for that.

Simon, Manchester, UK

Jeremy, like we need some countries' oil now, we now need their money, too . . .

Nick, Bundaberg, Australia

Jeremy might have got a 'U' but I got an 'F', so I know better than him. It's all going to be fine. If all the banks and insurers collapse there'll surely still be government able to take on the role. Remember West Germany - it took only a few years to make a jewel from its ruins post-WWII.

Jonathan, Hertford, UK

Well Jeremy, i think i'll get a shotgun, and strap it to speedboat !!

Charley, Versailles, France

Im normally irritated by the way that Clarkson tends, until the last couple of paragraphs, to opine on subjects other than the car under review in this column. However I do find it refreshing that he has had the courage to state just how bad things are and how much worse they may get in 2009.

Tim, London, UK

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