For the past month or so Volkswagen has been in serious bother. An “insider”
went to the German press and claimed the whole company was a hotbed of sex,
bribery, corruption, hookers and champagne-fuelled orgies on private jets.
It all sounded a bit far-fetched to be honest, the notion that the makers of
the Golf diesel, with its sensible seats and big boot, could be a corporate
version of the mafia. But blow me down. Heads have begun to roll. Executives
have started to resign.
This is extraordinary — Volkswagen is more powerful than half the world’s
countries. It owns Audi, Seat, Skoda and Bentley and employs 340,000 people.
It makes 5m cars and turns over £60 billion every year. And it’s run by my
old friend Burnt Fish Trousers, who’s a model of decency, dignity and good
old-fashioned manners.
Yet the essence of the story, so far as I can tell, is that trade union
leaders, who in Germany have a great deal of power, have allegedly been
flown round the world on company jets and given £20,000 company vouchers
that they can use to pay for exotic escort girls and lap dancers. And then,
in return, the Red Robboes are supposed to let the company reform its
expensive labour policy.
Frankly, I can’t see what’s wrong with that. If Mrs Thatcher had put Arthur
Scargill on a private jet full of naked Vietnamese girls, an awful lot of
stone throwing and angst would surely have been avoided. It’s possible also
that we would still have a car industry if Sir Michael Edwardes had
shovelled vast quantities of drugs up the noses of those lunatic trade
unionists at British Leyland.
Money, sex and drugs: they’re a Dyno-Rod dynamite tripod when it comes to
unblocking negotiations that have stalled. I’d suggest teaming them with a
spot of bribery and blackmail. Most men will give in on almost all they hold
dear if you have photographs of them semi-submerged in a Portuguese lap
dancer.
It’s corruption like this on which the entire Italian economy is founded, and
it’s corruption like this that could solve the Iraqi problem at a stroke.
The cost to the American government since the conflict began is put by some
observers at £100 billion. And they could have given everyone in Iraq a
small car for less than that. Actually, with an order of that size, I
suspect discounts might well have been available, so it could have been a
large car or even an SUV.
This is bribery, of course, but what’s wrong with that? It would have saved
25,000 lives, made everyone over there happy, removed the motive for the
London bombings and thus saved Britain £3 billion. Furthermore, it would
have provided a much-needed boost for the beleaguered American motor
industry. Make cars, not war. That’s what I say.
No really. The United Nations and the world of rock’n’roll are consumed at the
moment with how corrupt African leaders might be dissuaded from stealing all
the aid. Simple: give them all a golden Rolls-Royce and ask them to look the
other way when the food parcels arrive.
And so we arrive back with Volkswagen, wondering who has suffered if all the
allegations turn out to be correct. If German labour laws are changed, VW
makes more money, which is good for shareholders; Europe gets cheaper cars,
which is good for everyone; a few union leaders get laid and some hookers
get paid. Everyone wins.
There’s also talk, strongly denied by VW, of dummy corporations set up to
smooth their entry into new markets such as Angola, which apparently have
been funded by suppliers who need Volkswagen for their survival. And again,
what’s wrong with that? Suppliers would stay in business and Angola would
get Golfs instead of oxen. If Mercedes or Renault see this as unfair
competition — well, instead of wailing and gnashing their teeth maybe they
should stop being so sanctimonious and get down to Spearmint Rhino with a
pocket full of blank cheques.
There is, however, a drawback to this plan. In the same way that General
Motors makes lousy cars because it spends most of its time and effort
running the company pension scheme, and McLaren only wins races when it’s
not busy building road cars, the bigwigs at VW were obviously not paying
attention when the new Passat was being developed.
But then I suppose it’s hard to think about rear axle configuration when
you’ve got a face full of Brazilian and your bank manager’s on the phone
asking what you want him to do with this week’s gold ingot.
If you thought the last Passat was dull to behold, you really ain’t seen
nothing yet. This new one is sculptured ditchwater. It looks like it was
styled by someone who was either in a big hurry to get the job done or who
was having sex at the time. As a result, it is the motoring equivalent of
Belgium: something you simply won’t notice.
Underneath the dreary skin the news is no better. It sits on a strengthened
version of the Golf’s platform and is powered by a selection of Golf and
Audi engines. Plainly the engineer in charge just raided the parts bin and
then went back to the George V in Paris with the lovely Lucinda.
Apparently the best configuration you can buy is the 140bhp 2 litre
turbodiesel allied to the double clutch DSG flappy paddle gearbox. But
really, choosing the best from a range like this is like choosing what sort
of wallpaper paste you’d most like to eat. It is a little bigger than the
old Passat but thanks to extensive use of aluminium it’s no heavier. So fuel
consumption will be about the same as before. They couldn’t even be bothered
to think up new prices so it costs the same as before as well.
To drive, I will say it is a little better, although like all German cars the
ride is too firm at slow speeds. Mind you, this is offset to some extent by
really comfortable seats. If you suffer from a bad back you’ll like them a
lot.
There is some other stuff you’ll like as well, if I’m honest, like the hazard
warning lights that come on automatically if the antilock brakes have been
engaged for more than two seconds. And the umbrella built into the driver’s
door, and the Bluetooth connection, although if you were attracted to the
Passat because of your backache, chances are you’ll be too old for this
feature to have any meaning.
You will also like the sun visors that work on the side windows and the
windscreen at the same time, the air-conditioned glove box that prevents
your Werther’s Originals from melting and, best of all, the towel that lives
in the boot and can be draped over the rear bumper when you need a clean
place to sit when donning your wellies.
In other words there are lots of rather useful small features in the Passat,
all of which have been provided by suppliers who, if the stories are true,
are now to be found at Le Touessrok in Mauritius sipping cold drinks with
the buyers at Volkswagen.
A classic case of bribery working. VW executives get a free holiday in the
sun. The suppliers keep on employing their staff. And you keep your trousers
clean when you’ve come back from a refreshing walk in the countryside.
I must say that overall the Passat is a dreary and boring car. But it does
have just enough attention to detail to make it a worthwhile buy for those
who don’t care about cutting a dash. Except of course all these people
already have a Honda Accord and they’re jolly happy with it.
Vital statistics
Model Volkswagen Passat 2.0 TDI
Engine Four cylinders, 1968cc
Power 140bhp @ 4000rpm
Torque 236 lb ft @ 1750rpm
Transmission Six-speed manual
Fuel 47.1mpg (combined cycle)
CO2 162g/km
Acceleration 0-62mph: 9.8sec
Top speed 130mph
Price £17,145
Verdict Has every gadget except one to stop you nodding off
with boredom
Rating 3/5
