How many actors are there in the world? I’m counting everyone, from the “boy”
in an amateur dramatic society’s performance of The Winslow Boy, to the
Latvian teenager who appears only on webcams, covered in baby oil.
I’m counting people in Bollywood, people in French art house films, people at
provincial Brazilian drama colleges. And if you do that, the number must be
into the millions.
Some of them must be very good. It stands to reason. But they’ll never make
it. The hand of fate will continue to deal them low diamonds and mid-range
clubs until eventually they wind up teaching Stanislavski to self-harming
inmates at Pentonville. Even those who make it to the top struggle to become
Tom Cruise. The big-name star. The guarantee of bums on seats.
Take Christopher Walken as a prime example. He’s big, all right. He could get
a table at the Ivy any time he wanted. And he’s also fabulously watchable.
That gold watch scene in Pulp Fiction was, I think, the finest performance
from any big screen actor since . . . well, ever.
But he still couldn’t fill a theatre. I mean, since Pulp Fiction he’s appeared
in Kangaroo Jack, Engine Trouble, The Country Bears, Poolhall Junkies, The
Affair of the Necklace, Joe Dirt, Jungle Juice, The Opportunists, Kiss
Toledo Goodbye, Mousehunt and countless other movies that I can pretty much
guarantee you haven’t seen. Since Top Gun, however, there isn’t a single Tom
Cruise film I’ve missed. In fact there isn’t a single Tom Cruise film I
don’t own on DVD. Of course Tom’s a fine actor. His performance alongside
Dustin Hoffman’s twitchery in Rain Man was especially memorable. But is he
better than Walken?
So it goes with all things, especially cars. Last week, after a hard day’s
filming, I drove home in a new 3-series BMW. The Tom Cruise of motoring. The
machine you would automatically choose if you wanted a well-made, reasonably
sporty four-door saloon. And it was fine. But the next day an Alfa Romeo 159
arrived at my house. Now this is a car you would automatically not choose if
you wanted a well-made, reasonably sporty four-door saloon. This is
Christopher Walken.
Actually, that’s one of my less risible metaphors. Because in its long history
of making cars, Alfa only rarely produces a Deer Hunter or a gold watch
scene in Pulp Fiction. The vast majority of its offerings are complicated,
silly and badly made. And as a result most go straight to the discount DVD
bin at Blockbuster.
The thing is, though, with the exception of the simply appalling Arna, I’ve
loved all Alfas. In fact I’ve argued time and again that nobody can be a
petrolhead until they’ve owned one. It’s a rite of passage. Think of it as
the great sex that leaves you with an embarrassing itch.
Take the old GTV6 as a prime example. I owned one once and it was a nightmare.
The worst car I’ve owned. Deeply uncomfortable, spectacularly impractical
and blessed with steering so heavy that navigating into a London parking
space was like navigating a donkey into a budgie cage.
Then there was the complete lack of quality. Nothing worked. And when you got
one thing fixed something else would break on the way home. Once it tried to
murder me. The linkage from the gearlever to the rear-mounted gearbox fell
off and jammed the prop shaft, causing a sound not heard on earth since
Krakatoa blew up, and the rear wheels to lock.
But behind the oyster-like impregnability of its ergonomics and hidden in the
sea of snot were two perfect pearls. The styling. And the howl from its V6
engine. In a tunnel, at 4000rpm, it was more sonorous than any music. It was
like having your soul licked by angels.
In essence, then, Alfa has always understood what makes driving a thrill. But
it has never been able to make a car. Well, not a car that a rational,
normal human being might want to buy.
Think of them as underground German art films. Great for serious-minded
critics but not quite in the same everyman league as BMWillis on an asteroid.
At first I thought the 159 would be more of the same. The boot release button
is in the roof, just where you wouldn’t expect it to be, the electric
windows have a mind of their own, and like the Fiat Grande Punto I reviewed
last week, it couldn’t find or hold Radio 2. It could pick up pigs squeaking
on Io, and Radio Leicester. But not Johnnie Walker.
These, however, are trivial faults. No more annoying in the big scheme of
things than the iDrive in a BMW or the harsh ride you get on an Audi. Unlike
Alfas of old you have to look long and hard in a 159 to find something
deeply disturbing. But I found it, all right.
The greatest sensation of speed afforded to ordinary man is not on a go-kart
or a rollercoaster. It comes when you’ve got the cruise control set at
70mph, the traffic in front is stopping and momentarily you can’t find the
button to turn it off. In that hiccup of time it doesn’t feel like you’re
doing 70mph. It feels like you’re doing three times the speed of light.
That’s why, in most cars, the cruise control “off” button is clearly visible
and easy to use in a hurry. Not in the Alfa it isn’t. It looks like one of
the pieces from a game of Risk and it’s mounted on a stalk just below and
slightly behind the indicator.
So when the traffic ground to a halt on the M40 I bet the chap behind me was
keen to know why I didn’t slow at all and then, for no obvious reason,
suddenly indicated left. This, then, is proper swivel-eyed Alfa lunacy but
it is the only thing in the car that’s truly wrong and there’s a simple way
round the problem. Ignore it. Pretend it isn’t there.
But do not pretend the 159 isn’t there next time you want a mid-range
four-door saloon because that would be a mistake. A bad one. First of all,
it is exactly one million times better looking than a BMW 3-series. And with
those triple headlamps, and perfect proportions, at least half a million
times better looking than any rivals from Audi, Mercedes or Jaguar.
Inside, it’s even better. The driving position is spot on, the dials look like
they’ve come from a Swiss watch and the quality of the leather, especially
if you have it in red, gives the impression that it costs Rolls-Royce money.
But it doesn’t. A 159 Lusso, which is the luxury version, is £22,395. That’s
about what BMW charges for a 320i SE, but Alfa gives you far more equipment
as standard and lots more power as well. The 2.2 litre engine is a peach
that just begs to be taken outside and given a damn good thrashing. Porsche
engineered an exhaust rasp into the Boxster at 5000rpm to reward the sporty
driver. Alfa hasn’t bothered. It just gives you a simple four-cylinder
engine that, all on its own, sounds better and better until you’re up at
6500 when it sounds like a metallic werewolf.
You can pootle around slowly but somehow you tend to drive the 159 very hard
and very fast. But the engine, torquey, powerful and smooth though it may
be, is not the best part of this car. That accolade goes to the steering.
It’s fast, sharp, more informative than the internet and more tactile than a
freshly carved stone otter.
The handling is also sweet and yet the ride isn’t even slightly uncomfortable.
Which means that the 159 drives and feels like no other car in its class. If
you have even the faintest trace of petrol in your veins, if you are even on
nodding terms with the concept of simple, good engineering, you should drive
this car. Because it doesn’t matter what you have now, you’ll be smitten. I
was.
This is one of those cars that’s demonstrably and appreciably better than any
other mid-range four-door family saloon. And unlike any Alfa of the past,
you don’t have to machete your way through a million inconveniences to find
the point. This car does not hide its gold watch up its behind. It is an
absolute gem.
Land Rover
Nissan
Peugeot
Volkswagen
Subaru
Alfa Romeo
Fiat
Suggesting a drive in the new Alfa, 1750 cc turbo. What's in a number hey?
Andries Griede, Middelburg, Holland
Glad Mr Clarkson likes the new Alfa. But I wonder why it took him nearly a year to review the car on his TV show and even then only reveiewed the 4 cylinder model. You do realise they also make a 3.2 litre V6 4 Wheel drive. But BMW change the tyres on an existing model they get a whole show. M3 CSL?
Nadeem, Ilford, UK
Whats the re sale value like. I'm told it's low. The reason I ask I have to choose a new car which will be leased.
Tim Tobin, Luxembourg,
Swivel-eyed Alfa lunacy is there alright, but only at night:
1) the unlit button you would always choose to turn the interior light on actually opens the boot
2) if you don't stretch your finger far enough to operate the indicator stalk (turning left) you just turn all the lights off instead!
Rob Marshall, Gerrards Cross,
My first Alfa was an Alfasud 1.3SC which cost me 300 quid. My 5th Alfa is a 159 Lusso which cost me considerably more.
It is without doubt the most comfortable car I have owned and probably the best looking. I love it !
David Payne, Wimborne, UK
If finding the off button for the cruise control is all Jeremy can find wrong with the 159 then it must be good. Anyway the easiest way to turn off cruise control is to simply hit the brakes.
The car looks great and drives like a dream. I've had mine for 6 months and thoroughly recommend it.
Paul Donohue, Perth, Australia
I am driving my 159 for over a year of blissful motoring, i upgraded from a 156 due to maintenance costs. The maintenance plan makes the 159 all the more desirable. My other car is an e46 M3 which was supposed to be mine and the Alfa the wifes, there are some months were i have never touched the BM!
Reshaad, JHB, South Africa
We purchased a new 159Ti, & after 3,500km it's going back to the dealer for the 3rd attempt to fix the rattle around the windscreen ... it doesn't always start first time. It's certainly a sexy car & fun to drive, but in looking for a 2nd car, it won't be an Alfa/Fiat -we can't have 2 problem kids!
Scott, Auckland, New Zealand
I have a 56 plate 159 Lusso 1.9 jTDM. picked it over the usual sheep fodder. Always wanted an Alfa, just put off in the past due to stories relating to reliability and dealer service. Got to say both the supplying dealer and the car have been faultless.
Love it!!!
Jon Hardcastle, Wirral, England
Just traded my Citroen Dyane in for a 159 1.9jtdm Sportwagon. Pretty car. What is it with the Air Con/heater? Comes on like a jet fighter at take off for no discernible reason.
The intermittent wiper makes its own judgement calls and the boot lid only opens when it feels like it. This is my first Alfa Romeo. Is this standard Alfa electrics or is there some sort of poltergeist in the workings? Love the car none the less for it though.
Jonathan Dobson, Richmond, North Yorkshire
It is good to see non alfisti buying this fantastic car and proving the sheep (who drive german cars have nokia phones and always have the latest album on thier inferior ipod) wrong - You see Alfa have been improving for a good ten years now and this really is one you can buy with head and heart - it's almost like sleeping with your favourite supermodel or that crush you have at work along with being happily married at home - like having cake and eating it - so if those boring clones want to buy boring german cars then let them as I think there are enough of us now who buy Alfa's to keep them going and now they are stablemates with Maserati and to a point with Ferrari the sky really is the limit - Excellent review.
Mike Gipson, Bicester, England
I must be one of the few remaining Alfa 33 drivers who use their ageing toy every day - now there's a certain railway bridge in north London that I like to accelerate through, with the windows open, changing up to second at about 4000 rpm as I do so, just to hear the boxer engine doing its orchestral thang and imagining the smile that it puts on peoples' faces.
Let's be honest, at the age of ten, no one's gripped by the idea of driving a BMW and banking the interest on its residuals.
So who are the real fools? Those of us who buy Alfas or those who don't?
Dan Bird, London,
Having had an Alfa 33 some 15 years ago that drove like a manic overpowered skateboard, which on at least 2 occaisions had to be recovered to the main dealers because it refused to start, it was an unnerving feeling when I fell in love with the 159 at first sight 15 months ago. Despite the jibes from my colleagues about the Alfa's renowned unreliability I decided that I had to have one and signed up for a black 2.4 JTDM Lusso with red leather seats. 12 months and 22,000 miles on and it has become, and remains, the automotive love of my life. The performance and ride is sublime and the black paint and red leather is a combination that works better in the flesh rather than in the imagination. My only slight gripe is the cramped rear seats, but as I am never in them who cares! When I leave it parked on the drive I cannot help having that over the shoulder look at it's crouched muscular beauty that evokes soul. Oh and other than a loose windscreen wiper nut the car has been 100% reliable.
G Kemp, Aylesbury,
Like many of the other contributors to this page, I too have just ordered my 159. Its Lusso spec with a host of extra goodies including electric seats and bluetooth handsfree. I know that these extras are probably, on balance, a mistake as Alfa are to electrics what the american president is to grammar.
However, I am on my 4th Alfa now and have been buying them since 2000, when my first 156 stole my heart (and quite a lot of cash I seem to recall from the day I traded it back in at the dealership). My friends think I am mad, saying things like "Another Alfa, are you mad!" and "Why?" as they get into their beigemobiles.
The thing is I know why, its just as Jeremy says, despite the odd foibles of Alfas, since Ive owned them I simply havent been able to find a car that ignites my interest and passion for driving in quite the same way. Above all Alfas are cars that are there for driving, not just travelling, and thats why my vote, and driveway, will always belong to Alfa.
Leon Poole, Burntwood, Staffordshire
Greetings from Scotland.
I have just bought my first Alfa. One seat in a 159 convinced me & I have bought one unseen(well photographs) from way down south.
I'm due to pick it up this weekend & drive back up North - can't wait!
I have gone for a 159 2.4JTDm Lusso Auto.
Update on return!
Very best regard
Doug S
Doug Simpson, Aberdeen, UK
I just signed up for an an Alfa 159 in the guise of a 2.4 TDi Auto with all the bells and whistles. It is this review that has helped me make the decision. I have driven Mercs, BMW's before and yes This is one hot & sexy car. I shall post an update after I have driven it. I just cannot wait and I shall fall into a sweet slumber every night awaiting the arrival of my girl.....to have thought that I was considering Toyota Aurion, Ford XR6 and Holden Commodore SV6...in hind sight I must have been patso...There is nothing wrong with the 3 cars but I was cought up in the V6/8 thingy. I am glad JC and my brother Walter led me down the path of PASSION..
Willis Teoh, Adelaide, South Australia
I too have experienced 3 times the speed of light!
But press the clutch or brake and no problem, the thing is to remember you've got it switched on! look at all those rear end shunts on tv from america!
rhett hayes, Sleaford, Lincs
Because I do about 30k miles PA I had test drives in an Audi, BMW, Lexus, Merc and the 159 to ensure I would be comfortable and the quality was right. I brought the 159 lusso having never owned an Alfa before and unlike a lot of company car drivers I spent my owm money and am highly delighted with my decision, great car and service from my local dealer. So glad I did not have another Audi A4 even though they are great cars you don't have to be boring, be different and have fun driving again.
Andy, Stafford, UK
Most Alfas don't have cruise control, and who uses it anyway, you lose control of what you are doing, and it is impossible to use it on a busy motorway
And, er, just tap the brake pedal and that disables cruise control anyway - why try to switch it off
Andrew, Cambridge,
Oh come on Jeremy who needs a cruise control nowadays?? You,like me, have got right foot and pressing the accelerator pedal on any Alfa takes you into any moon shot that you can't compare please to a crappy BMW - they are what the first moon walkers were thinking of - BMW "bye moon we are home" well around 200 years later once you worked out all the electric gizmos!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Come on admit the Alfa is a great car and one to love.
peter wells, Vienna, austria
Mr C it’s the middle peddle on a manual or the one on the left if its automatic... But you're spot on with the Alfa 159, a pure delight to drive. I’ve had my 2.4 JTDm Lusso for just over a month and have managed to clock up around 3000 miles, I just can’t get out of the thing, it’s blinking fantastic, would say something stronger but I don’t want to offend all the people that turn their head for another look. The car is like a beautiful Italian model that's just caught Naomi Campbell’s mobile in her left hand, placed it gently on the floor with the style and grace of a debutant and run over it with a fiery Italian temper. Let’s face it, how satisfying would that be... The Alfa 159 has the looks, the style and most importantly the aggression to satisfy most real car lovers, the only thing you will have to watch is the jealous looks from the BarrrrMW and Audi sheep like followers when you pull up at the lights, or maybe Clarkson behind you trying to turn off the cruise control...
Anthony Chmarny, Southampton, UK
Absolutely spot on - i had the 2007 159 for a weeks testing - and loved it- outside it looks the smart and stylish small family car solution-- har har - its really a psyched sports car that knows it can carry a lot more shopping and small screaming kids I reckon... Night after night I found myself "just popping out for some milk dear" via twisty adelaide hills and an hour later popping home with a silly grin - it was actually as much fun as the Spider i had the week after - as long as i ept the top up [that ones another story] all up the 159 is a classic in the making - i miss the little turbo howler ...........belle
nick ramage, adelaide, south australia
We hired a brand new 159 in Italy. It was horrible. Ok so the engine sounded great, but the inside was falling to bits after 1000km and after two weeks of driving, not mad in any way, the clutch was perhaps a little more useful than a chocolate tea pot.
Maybe it was the combination of badly maintained Italian roads and the poor build quality that did it. But it was not the best car by a mile.
Tim Allen, Colchester,
Surely the cruise control switches off when you depress the brake pedal? This is the way it worked in a few different cars I've driven (in the US).
Good and funny comment about the hiccup in time though - been there, done that, got the sweat stained t-shirt :-)
Richie, Dublin,
What can I say.. Great writing JC!
I recently sold my 147GTA (like you I believe everyone should have at least experienced an AR once in their life if they are into motor sport) as I had enough thrills to now be ready for something sedate as the 159 SW.
& what a vehicle, it may not have the sheer grunt & noise as the 147GTA - but in another world it is a beautiful space to be in & to see the looks of what others portray when they see it.
Especially in a sea of drab cars - sure there is something to be said about German teutonic engineering & Japanese efficiency, but I much prefer to be in the surrounds of Italian passion..
I'm going to go for another drive.
Graeme W, Sydney, Australia
Just one bugger of a question from 'across the pond', as the prior generation used to refers to us 'yanks',.... any idea if and when Alpha Romeo will be offering this beauty to the US market?
I just returned from three weeks in Tuscany and Provence and to say that it consistently turned my head would be an understatement of near epic proportions. In good ol' American slang - SWEET! And my desire to actually seek chiropractic assistance (which I firmly believe is Wiccan-like manipulation of money from your wallet to theirs) confirms it.
By the by, best damn review I've ever read. Period. Your sense of humor is being wasted on combustion engines (unless you're already published elsewhere).
Cheers.
Gary L Ford, San Ramon, California USA
Jeremy, I love your comments about Alfa. I do think you have just hit the nail. It does not matter how many "defects" they can have. Once they have tested one of them they can not step back anymore. They will be in love forever. I am Italian and I have had loads of Alfas in my life, so, nobody understands better than me your comments and your feelings. I think that about mechanics Italians and British are very similar. We look for good engineering but above all we look for objects having soul, tradition, style and above all personality. Do they want a perfect, always working, piece of ice, anonymous BMW? Fine, but I do prefer the personality and the soul of my Alfa!!!
I adore your comments Jeremy!
Massimo Fergnani, Milano, Italy
I've just bought a 159 Sportswagon 1.9 JTDM Lusso,black and beige leather,stunning looker and drives like a dream,I'm now a total Alfa convert and can never go back to the mundane rep fodder most manufacturers turn out these days,so get out there and see what you're missing
pat stubbs, shrewsbury, uk
During my recent trip to France I was bless by europcar with a silver Alfa 159 1.9 JDTx. This beauty makes my BMW look as bland as brewed coffee from McDonalds. After spending 10 fanatic minutes trying to put the car into reverse, off I went heading to the mountains of Lot.
Let's just say this is my most memorable driving vacation of all time! I only wish they'll sell it in the U.S.
Xiaoqing Zhu, Ashburn, Virginia, USA
Clarkson at his best and I'm not just saying that because I love Alfas. The criticisms are as right and entertaining to read as the praise. Objectivity incarnate.
Most of all though, pay attention to what he says - this is an Alfa like none before...
St John Harvey, Ashford, Kent
I must admit that Jeremy Clarkson is an exceptional journalist. A sleek and funny narrator I don't see equal in italy. So honest in saying what he likes adn waht he doesn't. I love reading his articles even when his opinions are different from mine.
Greetings from Italy.
martin\, milan, italy
I read and keep reading this article and it just keeps getting better and better. It's a fine piece of writing and a tribute to an exceptionally beautiful car that's simply left me gasping for air.
Maarten Contreras, Oudenaarde, Flanders