When things in the Middle East finally kick off, George W----- Bush will be
able to field 120,000 troops, three carrier battle groups and more than
1,000 planes, including naval F-18 Hornets and F-14 Tomcats. There will
probably be three nuclear submarines on stand-by, too, as well as countless
tanks and Tomahawk cruise missiles.
Now let’s be brutally honest, shall we? A force as big as this would be enough
to conquer Britain or France. Probably both. At the same time. So why use it
on Iraq, which has no navy, an air force that was wiped out by George
W-----’s dad and an army that would much rather be back in Baghdad running
the family carpet shop? The problem is, of course, that Iraq has access to a
limitless supply of the Third World’s most fearsome fighting weapon — the
Toyota pick-up truck.
Whenever you tune to the news coverage of some far-flung conflict, the motley
army with its collection of home-made AK-47s is always seen tearing to the
front line in a wide and varied selection of flat-bed Toyotas. It’s the
Taliban Tonka toy, the Tamil’s Tiger tank, and it’s not hard to see why.
One minute it’s a troop transporter and the next it’s a hospital ship. And
that’s just the start. With a tube on the back, it’s a Scud launcher, and
with a gun, it’s an armoured personnel carrier. Fit a conning tower and it
could probably pass muster as a hunter-killer submarine, too.
Furthermore, the Toyota pick-up is a fearsome off-road campaigner. Many years
ago, I drove one extensively around the Arabian desert and though it was old
and knackered — we called it the Millennium Falcon — it really could reach
parts of the Middle East that other beards couldn’t.
For the past decade or so, America’s answer to the multi-skilled Toyota has
been the High Mobility Multipurpose Wheeled Vehicle. Or the HMMWV for short.
Not that HMMWV is particularly short, which is why most people call it the
Humvee.
With its wheels spaced far apart so it can run in the tracks left by tanks, it
has a 6.5 litre diesel engine and 16in of ground clearance — double that of
any other four-wheel-drive car.
After the second world war General Patton said victory was due in no small
measure to the Willys Jeep and some said the same of the Humvee after Desert
Storm in 1991. (Though the Iraqi army’s decision to run away might have had
something to do with it as well).
Indeed, back at home, Arnold Schwarzenegger was so enamoured of the Humvee he
went to the makers and insisted they make one for civilian use.
The result was spectacularly bad. Conversation between the driver and a
passenger was impossible, partly because the seats were 5ft apart and partly
because in between was that huge, rattly diesel engine. But also because the
driver in question was Schwarzenegger, whose accent is indecipherable even
on a clear, still day.
Then there was the price: $100,000. Not that this put people off. I have a
friend in Abu Dhabi — I won’t give you his name: it starts with His Highness
and ends two weeks later — but I can tell you he bought 20 of the damn
things, and then sent one to Germany to be fitted with an electrically
operated soft top.
That cost him another $100,000.
Just last week, we went for a spin in it through his garden and it was fine,
scaling 600ft dunes with consummate ease and flattening those that didn’t
measure up. We didn’t even need to get out to pump the tyres up — it was
done by a switch on the dashboard — but after 20 or so miles on his tarmac
drive, my ears were bleeding and my spine was bent. Off road, fighting wars,
it’s a fine tool. But for everyday use, on normal roads, it is about as much
use as a sniper’s rifle.
Today, however, things are different. General Motors has bought the rights to
make civilian Humvees, which are called Hummers, and now the big old
military barge has a road-going little sister. It’s called the H2 and while
I was out in the Middle East I thought it would be a good idea to try one
out.
Sadly, GM doesn’t actually sell them out there — too scary perhaps? — but
getting one was easy. I would just hang around the lobby of the hotel and
ask the first Arab who walked by. Crazy plan? Not at all. Asking someone in
a dish dash if they’ve got an H2 is like asking if they’ve got a prayer mat.
And being the most hospitable, generous people I’ve ever met, they were duty
bound to ask if I wanted to try it.
So here’s how it went. “Excuse me. Have you got an H2?” “Of course. Would you
like to drive it?” “Yes.”
So there I was with Ahmed Seddiq M Al Mutawaa by my side going for a cruise to
Jebel Ali in one of the most extraordinary cars I’ve ever had the good
fortune to try.
It’s based on a normal American 4x4 called the GMC Tahoe, which is very
probably the worst off-road car in the whole of human history. It’s too
ugly, too big, too thirsty, too slow, not well enough equipped and hopeless
when it’s presented with snow, mud, gravel, soil, grass, stone, drizzle or
even a light breeze. It doesn’t work on the road either and when I took one
into the desert I ended up coming home on a camel — that’s true, that is.
Anyway, the H2 has the same basic architecture as the Tahoe, albeit with
shorter overhangs, and the same engine: a 6 litre V8, which, according to
Ahmed, does 3.3 miles to the gallon when taken off road. He’s not bothered
because out there petrol is cheaper than water, and he’s very rich. But I
suspect that in Britain 3.3mpg might be unacceptable.
The size mightn’t work either. It’s shorter than a Range Rover and not so high
either. But to give it that Hummer look, it’s considerably wider. It’s so
wide, in fact, that it might need a police escort on motorways.
Other things? Well, it doesn’t appear to be very well made, and while the top
speed is good — for a boat — the acceleration feels geological, the brakes
are poor and the space inside cramped.
However, I loved it. I loved the look of the thing most of all and I loved the
detailing. The door handles are such as you would find on an old barn, the
tow hooks seem to have been lifted from a Boer war cart, and the gearlever
looks exactly like the throttle on an F-15.
It sounds, then, like a triumph for the heart over the head, like style, once
again, has walked all over substance. But dynamically the H2 does do some
things well. The ride is exceptionally good and a quick check of the dash
showed that it has all the toys you might need should things get sticky in
the middle of nowhere. The only thing that’s missing is a centre
differential lock.
Inside, you have a choice. If you have the 3ft tall spare wheel in the boot,
you get only one seat back there, but if you mount it on the tailgate, you
get two, which adds up to seating for six — seven at a pinch.
So really then, it can be viewed as a wide, thirsty alternative to the Land
Rover Discovery or the Volvo XC90.
Price? Well, it is for sale in America for $49,000 but don’t bother checking
the exchange rate because for some reason I’ve never been able to fathom —
greed, perhaps — the car industry works on the basis that one dollar equals
one pound.
So, by the time you’ve got it here and fitted a few options, you must reckon
on the H2 being at least a £50,000 car. You must also reckon that as you
drive around people will think you are Chris Eubank.
But this is a small price to pay for something genuinely different and
genuinely interesting.
I really did like it, a lot. Think of it as a caramel chocolate — a hard outer
shell with a soft chewy centre. Think of it as a nightclub bouncer with a
heart of gold.
And that, trust me on this, is the only support America’s military machine
will be getting from me in the next few weeks.
Vital statistics
Model Hummer H2
Engine type V8, 5,967cc
Power 316bhp @ 5200rpm
Torque 360lb ft @ 4000rpm
Transmission Four-speed automatic, four-wheel drive with
low range
Torque 315/70 17
Fuel 12mpg (approx)
Acceleration 0 to 60mph: 10sec
Top speed 92mph
Dimensions 4825mm length; 2063mm width; 2802mm height;
Price £62,000 (special import)
Verdict Extraordinary machine with unrivalled off-road
skills, but try driving one around England. Not a chance
