I am a busy man. So busy, in fact, that when Rolls-Royce called last week to
see if I’d like to look round its new factory and maybe go for a spin in the
new car I had to say no.
Obviously I was interested, but it’d be two hours there and two hours back and
I just don’t have the time. So the PR man came up with a solution: “We’ll
send a helicopter.”
Interesting. The new Phantom is supposed to be the last word in engineering
excellence, a road-going private jet, a luxury yacht with a point, a car
that separates and distances you from both the tedium and the discomfort of
travel.
And yet if Rolls-Royce had offered to pick me up in one I would still have
said no, because no matter how much soundproofing there is between the cabin
and the road it would still have got stuck in traffic around Newbury. It
would still have taken two hours.
The helicopter, on the other hand, made sense. It might have been noisy,
rattly and 20 years old but it was convenient. And comparatively cheap. You
may be interested to know that the £250,000 Rolls-Royce is asking for the
Phantom would buy you half a million rental hours in a Jet Ranger.
That said, I don’t want to get into the hoary old car-versus-helicopter
argument. I just thought it funny that even Rolls-Royce recognises its new
car is beaten by a chopper when you have to get from Chipping Norton to
Goodwood on a sunny, windless day.
It’s not beaten by much else. The new Maybach, built in a big hurry by
Mercedes when it realised that its arch-rival BMW had bought Rolls-Royce, is
fitted with lots and lots of gadgets, like an electrochromatic roof panel,
to take your mind off the fact you’ve spent £250,000 on what is essentially
a stretched S-class.
The Rolls is different, not least because it’s built in an underground bunker
on the South Downs. What is it with the Germans? Why are they so fond of
bunkers? The roof is covered with soil and will be seeded. The lake is a
heat exchanger for the air-conditioning. It’s like something out of a Bond
film. The world’s first stealth factory.
The car, on the other hand, is not stealthy at all. It’s nearly 20ft long and
6ft 6in wide, so it absolutely dwarfs everything else on the road, including
the standard Maybach. Ever wondered what it would be like to drive around in
Salisbury Cathedral? Well, you need wonder no more.
You don’t really get a sense of scale from the pictures — and nor do you get
an impression of just how handsome it is. Designed largely by the same team
that did the Range Rover, it’s an extraordinary blend of aggression,
presence and tradition.
It’s a Rolls-Royce, there’s no doubt about that, but, unlike any other Roller
from the past hundred years, this one looks like it might kick your head in,
for fun.
Especially in black. In a pale colour or silver, it looks like Vinnie Jones in
one of Graham Norton’s T-shirts.
Part of the reason it looks so right is that the designers worked out that the
height of a car should always be twice the height of its wheels. And this
led to a problem. Because the Rolls is damn nearly as tall as me, the wheels
had to be enormous. And that, in turn, meant the Michelin man had to get out
of Gordon Ramsay’s new restaurant for 10 minutes and design a tyre that
could double up as one of Saturn’s rings.
Underneath, there were problems, too. BMW was very keen that the engineers
should use as many off-the-shelf BMW parts as possible. But none of its
suspension systems would fit. So an entirely new double wishbone set-up was
engineered for the front.
This is extraordinary. Usually, when a stylist wants something new and groovy
on a car, the engineers complain to the accountants and the idea is quietly
shot in the face. But on the Rolls, it seems the stylists were allowed a
free rein, and to hell with the cost.
We see a similar story at the back. To prevent passengers in the rear from
being seen by the riffraff as they’re chauffeured around, the car needed a
very wide C-pillar. But the car is made from aluminium. Sure, you can weld
short pieces of this lightweight material, but when you weld longer pieces
you end up with something that looks like those baggy knicker curtains you
find in Bryant executive homes.
I have no doubt that the engineers pleaded and begged and went to the
accountants and told tales. “The styling department’s stolen our milk again,
wah wah wah. And one of them pulled my hair.” But they lost and as a result
the weld that joins the roof to the rear wing is damn nearly 2ft across.
Then we get to the back doors, which open backwards. Now the problem with this
is that you can’t open the back door unless the front one is opened first.
This is deemed to be a safety issue and is therefore banned across Europe.
But on the Rolls the door closes electrically which, and I don’t really
understand this, bypasses the problem.
So, doors which close electrically. Mmm, wonderful. And, you’re thinking,
undoubtedly, the tip of a veritable gadget iceberg. Well, I’m sorry but this
car has as many toys as . . . Salisbury Cathedral springs to mind again.
It has the iDrive system from a 7-series BMW, but most of the functions have
been deleted, and the button itself is hidden away in a cabinet. Similarly,
the satellite navigation is behind the clock. In the back there are no fully
reclining aircraft seats, no DVD screens, no electrochromatic roof (however
will you manage?) and no drinks cabinet. It’s like being in a Wolseley,
albeit a jolly quiet one.
Rolls-Royce explains that its customers are not of the PlayStation generation.
They don’t know what an iPod is. They want the cabin to be cool on hot days
and warm in the winter and they don’t want to be bothered with steering air
of varying temperature around the place.
So the heater is just one temperature knob.
And that’s it.
Then there’s the engine. No standard BMW unit was up to the job — they’re all
too sporty — so the boys at Rolls-Royce took one of the mother ship’s 6
litre V8s and fiddled about until they ended up with a 6.75 litre V12 that
produces all its torque at tickover.
As a result, there is no rev counter in the dash, just a dial telling you how
much power the engine has in reserve. Apparently it’ll only read “zero” when
you’re flat out at 150mph. Even under hard acceleration it says there’s
something left, in the boot perhaps, or the centre console.
I am in no doubt that this is the best-engineered car ever made. It does not
blind you with gadgets or boggle your mind with speed. It is supremely
comfortable, but you can still sense what the front tyres are doing, even
from the passenger seat. It is utterly and fabulously exquisite and I have
no hesitation in giving it five stars.
But I do find myself wondering who will buy it. The chairman of Big Wig plc
will not be allowed to for fear of a shareholder rebellion and I can’t
imagine the tabloid press would take kindly to any government department
that spent so much on a car. “Think how many baby incubators it could have
bought . . .”
The Queen has a new Bentley for state occasions and uses a Vauxhall at other
times, and the younger generation of dotcom, IT and footballing millionaires
prefer something with a bit more zest and a lot more buttons.
And this is before we get to the thorny question of the Rolls-Royce badge.
Whenever I think of a Rolls-Royce owner I think of the man who looked round
my grandfather’s house many years ago. He liked it but was concerned about
the narrowness of the gateposts. “Tell you what,” he said in a broad
Yorkshire accent, “if I can get a f------ Roller in, I’ll have it.”
Even my Arab friends in the UAE think Rolls-Royces are a bit nouveau riche, a
bit naff.
So, that leaves you and me as potential customers. And we can’t afford it. So
like the dome and Concorde and Brunel’s 7ft railway gauge, here we have a
wonderful piece of engineering, a genuine step forward. But at the moment, I
must say, I can’t see a use for it.
VITAL STATISTICS
Model Rolls-Royce Phantom
Engine type V12, 6750cc
Power 455bhp @ 5350rpm
Torque 527 lb ft @ 3500rpm
Transmission Six-speed automatic
Suspension (front) double wishbones (rear) multi-link with
all-round air springs
Weight 5,478lb
Dimensions 5830mm length; 1981mm width; 1630mm height
Tyres Michelin PAX runflat tyres 265x790 R540A
Acceleration 0 to 60mph: 6sec
Top speed 150mph
Price £250,000
Verdict Perhaps the best-engineered car in the world, but
who's going to buy it?
