Gordon [Brown]’s jaw doesn’t work properly, he has no discernible sense of humour and the charisma of a boulder. And what’s more, in the past 10 years, he has been No 2 in a government that has almost completely ruined Britain.

David Cameron has never done anything to annoy you. In fact, so far as I can tell, he has never done anything at all.

[On flying on Concorde] They seated me right in front of the lavatory, or Piers Morgan, as you know him.

Several years after she left the Big Brother house, Jade Goody, who is part woman and part scientific blunder, is still unable to pop to the shops without being papped.

[Richard] Littlejohn spends a deal of time in a gated community in Florida. Much of his family lives in Detroit. He really thinks America is the land of the free and the home of the brave. If you cut him in half... I’d be grateful.

Ian Dury. Franklin D Roosevelt. David Blunkett. Admiral Nelson. History is littered with disabled people who have not just got by, but got on... Andrew Lloyd Webber made it even though at some point in his teenage years his face melted

[On Shirley Bassey] I would walk naked over a field of molten steel to avoid the shouty Welshster.

[On Richard Hammond] About as manly as Graham Norton’s knicker drawer.

We know where the stupid people are. They’re in the White House, or they’re on Big Brother, or they’re singing for Simon Cowell’s supper.

As you may know, I’m not well disposed to the idea of governments banning things, except for beards and ginger hair and Scotsmen sitting in Westminster and caravans and the Toyota Prius and costume dramas on ITV and Ken bloody Livingstone.

Things I’d rather do than own a Korean or Malaysian car include French-kissing Bill Oddie.

Getting Sebastian Faulks to write a Bond book is like asking Polly Toynbee to write the next Die Hard film. It’s like casting Vinnie Jones as Mr Darcy.