Andrew Frankel

There’s a rather simple but devastating ruse almost all car manufacturers employ to encourage people like me to write nice things about their products. After flying us in great comfort to somewhere warm and inviting, giving us a few hours at the wheel and then wining and dining us at some fabulous hotel, someone will always produce the Killer Question: “So, what did you think of our car?” You have about two seconds to formulate your response. Muttering something inaudible into your double Laphroaig will result only in the question being repeated; while staring gimlet-eyed at your interrogator and saying that you would rather take the bus back to the airport is tempting but impractical. But answer you must and by far the easiest option is to shrug and say “Oh, pretty good” in as non-committal a way as you can.

And then they’ve got you. If you write anything else, you appear at best inconsistent, at worst plain mendacious.

I wrestled with this one as I drove BMW’s new 7-series across 150 miles of pristine Andalusian countryside, discovering yet again that the company that makes the M5 — the best car I drove last year — has failed to channel this talent into making a truly convincing luxury saloon.

BMW has worked hard on the 7-series to bring about this comprehensive midlife update, cleaning up its once dubious looks, working on its suspension and the infamous iDrive operating system and installing a new range of scintillatingly powerful engines under the bonnet. And, as I said to the first BMW man who asked the Killer Question that evening, the whole is much improved.

This should surprise no one. Not only has BMW had four years to raise its flagship’s standards, but the bar was, in my view, not high to begin with.

So here are my criticisms: the car’s ride quality is still not good enough, there’s too much wind noise in the back, the iDrive remains a nonsense and the driving position is too high for me. These specific faults merely support the altogether more subjective concern that the 7-series still does not feel like a truly luxurious car.

Sure, it comes dripping in wood and leather and there’s reasonable (if not exceptional) room in the back, but I could say as much about a Peugeot 607. To me, the truly luxurious car of the 21st century is one that makes every journey an occasion, one that makes you feel privileged simply to be on board. It’s a feeling I get every time I drive a Mercedes S-class, Audi A8 or Jaguar XJ. And it’s a feeling I’ve never yet had in a 7-series.

Even the car I tested, the £59,700 750i — which boasts a truly wondrous 4.8 litre, 362bhp motor and will go around corners at speeds many sports cars would find hard to follow — fails in this most important regard. It’s not sleekly beautiful like the Merc or Audi, nor, for all its sheer grip and raw speed, does it talk to its driver on the open road like the Jag.

The second man to ask me the Killer Question got a eulogy on how powerful and responsive I found the new motor, and with a 0-62mph time of 5.9sec and a top speed that would crack 170mph were it not restricted, I told no lies. What I didn’t mention was that the car still felt like a conventional saloon that has been at the steroids to bulk it up and provide more power.

Above all, it creates the impression that BMW’s innate understanding of what makes a car stand out in any given class — and what makes the 3-series and the 5-series the best cars in their respective categories — has gone missing at this level. The exterior may no longer be ugly but it’s still some distance from being attractive — let alone beautiful — while the cabin, instead of standing as the crowning achievement of BMW’s interior designers, is the least pleasing of all its model ranges.

And after two days and many hours on board, including quite a few in the passenger seat with nothing better to do than fiddle with the controls, I still could not get my head around the allegedly simplified iDrive system that, via the medium of a single rotary dial, controls everything from the heating to the navigation, the radio to the suspension settings.

One engineer was kind enough to imply that this inability said more about me than the car, so I referred him to Audi’s MMI system, which does the same job but does it in such an intuitive way that even a dunce like me can figure it out in minutes.

Yet despite it all, I can still see why a certain type of customer would find the prospect of 7-series ownership enticing. It’s still an exceptionally well-engineered car, and to someone who has come up through the BMW ranks and expects BMW-style performance and handling, it feels like they would expect it to: just like a very big 3-series or 5-series.

I had decided I was not a 7-series person long before someone was unlucky enough to be the third person to ask me the Killer Question. “Are you a fan?” he inquired politely. This time I didn’t need my two seconds of thinking time. I simply said “No” and left it at that.

Vital statistics

Model BMW 750i
Engine type V8, 4799cc
Power/torque 362bhp @ 6300rpm / 361 lb ft @ 3400rpm
Transmission Six-speed automatic
Fuel/CO2 24.8mpg (combined) / 271g/km
Performance 0-62mph: 5.9sec / Top speed: 155mph (limited)
Price £59,700
Verdict A big sports saloon, not a true luxury car
Rating 2/5

The opposition

Model Jaguar XJR, £60,970
For Excellent performance, ride, handling and build
Against Looks far too traditional and boring

Model Mercedes-Benz S500, £63,910
For Still the best luxury, looks, comfort, and strong second-hand value
Against Showing its age, particularly on the inside