Your columnists are ailing. First Clarkson slips two discs, apparently in a Vauxhall — though I suspect falling out of a hovercraft didn’t help — and now I see my body disintegrating around me. I have a stabbing pain in my right ankle, my left knee makes crunching sounds every time it moves and as I stumbled out of bed this morning I creaked.

But what should I expect? As you read this I have been enjoying the doubtful privilege of being in my forties for precisely one day and, as my wife helpfully observed: “Count yourself lucky. If they measured it by mileage you’d have had a telegram from the Queen by now.”

What I needed was something to make me feel young again. I thought about a motorcycle but a brother has beaten me to that particular midlife cliché. In the end, however, help came from a most unlikely direction: the Peugeot 407 Coupé.

I’d like to tell you that the two days I spent in its company left me so invigorated by its youthful enthusiasm that I fairly skipped back to London, stopping only to buy a bottle of hair restorer. In fact, while it did the trick, it was not in the way you might imagine. For this is one of the most middle-of-the-road, tediously worthy machines ever to describe itself as a coupé. This is Pringle-wearing, bowls-playing, pipe-smoking automotive Ovaltine that could make the most jaded, world-weary correspondent feel like a fresh-fledged teenager by comparison.

Of course Peugeot will be outraged by this suggestion, at least in public. Privately I suspect it will be rather pleased, for whatever its protestations, this is a car aimed squarely at the monied and fast-growing Saga generation for whom remembering your children’s names and tying your shoelaces while standing replace meeting the mortgage payments as among the foremost challenges.

Worryingly, I quite liked it at first. It may be based on the 407 saloon, but it’s built more slowly on a separate line to a demonstrably higher standard and its quality comes close to providing a reason for spending almost 30 grand on a Peugeot. The awkward and angular exterior might not be a visual patch on its predecessor, the startlingly beautiful 406 Coupé, but its aluminium and leather cabin offers more civilised and classy surroundings than any French car I can recall.

There will be three engines but as we weren’t allowed to drive the 2.2 litre petrol unit (priced from £21,900) and, for reasons that will shortly become clear, buying the £26,700 3 litre V6 petrol motor is pointless, I shall concentrate my comments on the £29,200-£30,900 2.7 litre diesel variant that will account for half of the 2,500 likely to be sold each year in the UK.

This Ford-developed V6 engine is already found in various Land Rovers and Jaguars, and in the Peugeot it cements its claim to being the most mechanically refined diesel in production. Indeed it is both quieter and smoother than the petrol V6, not to mention more responsive and, in the real world rather than on the specification sheet, quicker too.

And if all you want to do is waft from place to place while making a somewhat questionable style statement, this is the car for you. It is limousine-quiet and rides like one of the better Mercedes.

What it is not, in any sense, is a driver’s car. It is not only hugely heavy but, thanks to the diesel engine and auto-only six-speed box, the vast majority of that weight sits over the front wheels, giving the steering a leaden feel that cannot be disguised by power assistance. And while it grips hard, the chassis feels so inert that driving it fast was a matter of professional obligation, not choice.

You’d need to drive off Eastbourne pier before you got a kick out of driving this one. Think of it as a pleasant place for the elderly to pass the time. It asks nothing of you, so you should not be too surprised that it offers commensurately little in return, a lot like Eastbourne, in fact.

So while I cannot bring myself to condemn it — for it has helped me through the first of my midlife moments — if this is what being middle aged is about I want no part in it. It’s what my father would have described as “a nice car for somebody else”, so I’ll pass, thanks very much. I might limp, creak and crunch, but at least I know I’m alive. Drive one of these and you could never be entirely sure.

Vital statistics

Model Peugeot 407 Coupé 2.7 V6 HDi SE
Engine type 2720cc, six cylinders
Power/Torque 205bhp @ 4000rpm / 330lb ft @ 1000rpm Transmission Six-speed automatic
Fuel/CO2 33.5mpg (combined cycle) / 226 g/km
Performance 0-62mph: 8.5sec / Top speed: 143mph
Price £29,200
Verdict The ultimate antidote to the midlife crisis
Rating 3/5

The opposition

Model Mercedes C 220 CDi Elegance £25,675
For Ride and refinement, fuel-efficient engine, image
Against Looks a little dated, limited performance

Model BMW 330Cd SE £30,600
For Superb engine, performance and handling
Against Still the old model, interior getting dated