BARNYARD MASTURBATOR

Do you really love animals? Are you prepared to take the idea of animal husbandry extremely literally? Thanks to a recent staff suicide, we are delighted to announce a vacancy for the position of Barnyard Masturbator.

Intensely rewarding for the suitably-minded, the BM will be working in a fully hands-on partnership with compliant livestock, seeking to facilitate both reproduction and emotional wellbeing. The successful applicant should be exceedingly fond of cows, horses, sheep and pigs, and have previous experience in the field (or the barn, or the sty), but no convictions.

A thrusting self-motivator, fully able to grasp the point and cling on until results are inevitable, you will need a certain level of manual dexterity to stimulate the members of our farm. In return, you will become a part of our community at a stroke, enjoying the kind of intimate relationship with our livestock that Dr Doolittle could only dream of, and you will be paid the minimum wage. If desired, employees must provide their own rubber gloves. (Applicants should call at the Office, Lower Field, Handle Farm, Wales. Don’t worry about the bull. He’s very, very friendly.)

DYSENTERY STOOL SAMPLE ANALYSER

Hey! Yes, you! Are you prepared to look below the surface? Where others see decay, do you see new life begin? And are you FUN? If the answer to these three questions is “yes”, and you’re also an experienced bacteriologist with a strong stomach, then the DSSA Organisation wants to hear from you. Our wacky team of analysers live and breathe the dark mysteries of the nether regions, but we also like to foster a strong sense of camaraderie in the workplace. After all, when you’ve spent a day up to your arms in diseased Bournville goo, you’ll be happy for an excuse to crack a smile! That’s why novelty ties are a must in our labs (but keep them tucked into your shirt when you’re at the vats, eh?) and oh, you should have seen the cufflinks we gave Norm for his last wedding anniversary! We’re LOOPY, us. We just laugh SO MUCH. So hey, you don’t have to be MAD to work here, but it helps! Come along and join the FUN!

(Temporary staff are required ASAP after a spate of resignations over an unwise prank involving the drinking chocolate in the coffee room. Apply today!)

FLATUS ODOUR JUDGE

Olfactory distinction is rare, and those who possess it often fall into the predictable careers of perfumery and wine-tasting. Now, for the connoisseur of smell, there is a third option. The Gastroenterologist United Flatus Fellowship (GUFF), in partnership with the Flatus Association Research Team (FART), is seeking to establish a team of ten flatus odour judges to categorise the three million specimens of bowel gas we have in our olfactory archive.

This is a process that we expect to take three years. As part of the application process, candidates will thus be required to demonstrate willingness and ability to smell an average of 423 gaseous specimens a day, every working day, until September 2006. Our odour judges will be able to grade flatus in egginess and general eye-stinging, all-out hideousness and should be able to discern traces of curry, beer, garlic and all 57 varieties of baked beans.

(Applications should be delivered in person to GUFF Towers, Bedford, because the postman hasn’t come near here in years.)