Pizzas galore!

“Keep a diary of the bullying and of your communication with the school. Schools all have anti-bullying policies, but many take the no-blame approach, which is useless. Parents are sick of it. Everyone chats, the target in the same room as the bully, and as soon as it’s over and the adults have gone, it starts again. Why shouldn’t the bullies take the blame?

“We find a letter from the doctor is often just the shock a school needs. It may be appropriate to contact the police. And it’s worth writing to the educational welfare officer (the old truancy officer), making it clear this could prevent your child going to school. There are things you can do.”

The best thing, though, is to try a new school. Field says there are three main types of bully: the frustrated child who finds the academic system irksome; the child from a violent background; and the child with a personality disorder. The trick is to identify a school which deals with them. You need to ask some tough questions.

“In some schools there is a bullying ethos that includes the head,” says Field, whose website serves those who are bullied at work as well as at school. “Our biggest single group of callers is teachers who are being bullied by the head. Ask about staff turnover, the absenteeism rate and how they deal with bullying.”

Carnell’s son was happier at Rossett School in Harrogate, where John Whittle is head. “Our policy is based upon simple precepts practised consistently,” he says. “Prevention is the big one: raising awareness in assemblies and in the staff. Then there’s approachability: including teachers, mentors, and sixth-form listeners. There’s communication: letting everyone know. And we use monitoring, such as staff, home, friends, listeners and CCTV.”

According to Carnell, the ideal environment is a “telling school”, one where bystanders tell those in authority if someone is being bullied. Children usually have a strong sense of fairness. She is in favour of “telling routes”, so that those who are too frightened to tell teachers will tell senior pupils with some training.

Should we ever tackle the bully or the bully’s parents? Carnell advises against it. “Many bullies come from homes where that sort of behaviour is accepted. Approaching them is usually useless and I’ve had one case of a mother who was punched by another mother for talking to her child.”

Field is less certain. “Talking is always good. Some parents are unaware of their child’s behaviour and will act, but there are potential problems too. Sometimes you just have to get your child out.”

We found it worked when done in a friendly way on the phone to an appalled mother who instantly took action.

But the two harder cases I verbally lashed in the local park now just give us drop-dead stares if we meet.

TEN WAYS TO TELL

• Obvious visible signs — bruising; damaged or persistently “lost” possessions; lunch money frequently lent and never returned
  
• Changes in social behaviour — temper tantrums at home; fighting with siblings; withdrawal from friendships
  
• Other behavioural changes — bed-wetting; refusing to eat; waking at night; hair-pulling; other signs of stress; avoiding questions about school
  
• Reluctance to attend school
  
• Fear of walking to and from home
  
• Deterioration in school performance; complaints that a teacher is unfair
  
• Self-harm or despairing remarks among the lines of “why am I alive?”
  
• Development of nervous habits such as stuttering
  
• Obsessive behaviour which attempts excessively to order and control a part of the child’s life
  
• Sullenness and depression
  

  WHAT TO DO

• Keep talking to your child.

  For more information: Bullycide: Death at Playtime, by Neil Marr and Tim Field, published by Success Unlimited. 101 Ways to Deal with Bullying: A Guide for Parents, by Michelle Elliott, published by Kidscape (www.kidscape.org.uk). Childline — www.childline.org.uk
  Bully Online (Field Foundation website) — www.bullyonline.org Bullying Online (Liz Carnell’s website) — www.bullying.co.uk
  
  
  Have you ever been bullied?
  Write to Bullied, T2, The Times, Penningon Street, E98 1TT; bullied@thetimes.co.uk