AUTUMN LOVER

Recently, I have fallen in love, but it’s not good. The man is more than twice my age. He is in his late thirties and has a long-term girlfriend who has two young children. It’s been two months since I last saw him, and I thought that, by now, my feelings would have calmed down a bit, but they haven’t at all. I still feel as strongly for him as I did then, and I don’t know what to do. Also, every year, we all go on a camping holiday in the summer and I don’t want to not go, as it’s a long-standing tradition, but I don’t think I could take seeing him and going through all these feelings again. I need some advice before I do something stupid.

CR, by e-mail

Camping should bring you close to nature and thus to a keen appreciation of physical decay — the dank decline of rotting wood, the sweet odour of corrupting flesh, the inexorable atrophy of life . . . Now, look closely at this man: the twisting, recalcitrant clumps of hair sprouting from his ears and nose, the broken veins starting to appear on his cheeks, the horny thickening of his nails, the yellowing of his eyes, the slackening flesh around his midriff, the veiny coarseness of his hands, the drooping wattle beneath his chin . . . Consider, he is only just beginning on the downward slope; he has a long way to go yet. So, find some boy on whom the dew of youth still glistens (and decay together).

BROTHERLY LOVE

How do you deal with an irksome younger brother who seems to find it acceptable to leave apple cores floating in the toilet?

OT, by e-mail

Throwing his PlayStation, Wii and seven favourite computer games down there to join the next apple core you find might seem a hysterical overreaction, but undoubtedly satisfying and a lesson he would remember.

PEEPING TOM

I have a nice house in a nice middle-class area. We have a nice outdoor heated swimming pool in the garden. The pool has underwater lighting and is surrounded by decking that can also be lit at night. It looks very romantic. Unfortunately, I have discovered that as soon as I switch the lights off at night, the two young women who share the house next door creep through the hedge and go skinny-dipping in the pool. I find this very irritating as I don’t have any means of turning the lights back on from inside the house. Is there anything you can suggest?

CL, Surrey

Night-vision goggles are available from all good military outfitters, as all sad, slightly inadequate men know.

OPENING MOVES

If a gentleman and lady approach an automatic door, should the man step forward so that his image opens the door, then step aside to allow the passage of the lady, or allow the lady to go first and follow? This would mean that the lady in effect opens the door for the man.

DAR, Herts

In olden times, a gentleman would have drawn his sword and waved it just in front of the lady to catch the “magic eye” and thus cause the door to open. Obviously, not very many men carry swords these days, but an umbrella will serve just as readily.

DRIVEN APART

If two couples are out for a Sunday drive, what is the correct etiquette for who sits where? Is it that both males sit in the front if they are working class, spouses sit together if they are middle class, or alternate spouses in front and rear?

GB, West Norwood

Actually, as Mr Mills and I have discovered over the years, it is all dependent on intended sleeping arrangements.

Send problems to: Mrs Mills, The Sunday Times, 1 Pennington Street, London E98 1ST, or mrs.mills@sunday-times.co.uk. No correspondence can be entered into