1 “Expect it to grow a little chilly in the evening.” (Translation: Expect conditions to rival those prevailing during the final moments of Captain Oates.)

2 “Fair-skinned people might catch the sun.” (Translation: Take factor 20 or by evening you will look like an old, leather, person-shaped bag.)

3 “There could be a few showers when the match kicks off.” (Translation: You know that bit in The Matrix Reloaded when Neo finds that everyone on Earth has turned into Agent Smith? Remember their fight? With the rain beating down in droplets the size of watermelons? That’s your football match, that is.)

4 “This cloud has a silver lining.” (Translation: This cloud has a lining made of lead, that is about to fall out and squash your house.)

5 “It will be mostly dry in London.” (Translation: It will be dry in London, but only in the parts where nobody you know has ever been, such as Theydon Bois or Mudchute. Elsewhere, it will be like an octopus’s garden.)

6 “It will be raining shrews and voles.” (Translation: It will be raining cats and dogs.)

7 “It will be raining cats and dogs.”(Translation: It will be raining elephants and angry rhinoceroses.)

8 “There will be isolated storms.”(Translation: There will be one storm, isolated above your head.)

9 “We’ll be having an Indian summer.” (Translation: It might as well be monsoon season.)

10 “Earlier today a lady rang the BBC and said she had heard that there was a hurricane on the way. Well, don’t worry if you’re watching, there isn’t.” (Translation: Four horsemen ride, the Beast comes from the sea, it is the end of days, etc, etc.)