(CONDITIONS: Travel permitted only on specified train. Your ticket must be booked at least nine weeks in advance.)

Super Special Apex: £9.99

(CONDITIONS: Travel permitted only on specified train. Your ticket must be booked online at least nine weeks in advance, between the hours of 4am and 5am, using a mouse with buttons that are blue.)

Super Special Unleaded Apex: £29.99

(CONDITIONS: Travel permitted only in your own car, paying for your own petrol. Do not drive on railway tracks.)

Super Next Day Semi-Apex: £90.01

(CONDITIONS: Travel permitted only on those sticky awful fold-down seats next to the toilet, beside a bin overflowing with the mayonnaise smeared wrappers of grim wholemeal sandwiches, next to a harassed mother with a small child who will drool on your knee and shout unintelligibly every 42 seconds for your entire six-hour journey.)

Super Flexi-Value Apex: £60.50

(CONDITIONS: Travel permitted either between 6am and 6.30am or not at all.)

Super Apex Twin: £9.99

(CONDITIONS: Travel permitted only while listening to slightly annoying late 1990s mildly ambient electronica.)

Super Mythological Apex of Yore: £10

(CONDITIONS: Travel permitted on any train at any time. Ticket must be fetched in person from the Eleusinian Fields of Greek Legend, past Cerberus the Three-Headed Dog and across the River Styx.)

Special Toilet Compartment Anti-Apex: £34.99

(CONDITIONS: On occasion, toilet compartment must be shared with Vicky Pollard lookalike, attempting vertical conception with a scary baseball capped man she appears to have only just met and who you worry has just been released from prison.)

Super Special Wonder Value Apex: £0.99

(CONDITIONS: Travel only on specified train. Your ticket must be booked over the telephone at least nine weeks in advance if you are travelling on Mon-Fri, 11 weeks in advance if you are travelling Sat, and three-eights of a lunar month in advance if you are travelling Sun. Bookings not made while balanced on one leg in a squeaky voice may be considered void.)

Standard Open Ticket: £900

(CONDITIONS: None)