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Unfortunately my married son and my daughter are ashamed of me. They say it’s a menial job and their mother would have been horrified. They forbid me to tell my grandchildren or say anything to their friends. My daughter and daughter-in-law are particularly vociferous; though he doesn’t say much I know my son agrees. They have as good as stopped seeing me. I dare say this sort of private service doesn’t have much status but I can’t see why: the work is reasonably paid and the conditions very acceptable. I dislike my children being ashamed of me, but why should I give up such a job to appease outdated snobbery? Can you suggest ways of getting them to see it for what it is?

Graeme

I have every sympathy for you and none whatsoever for your snooty offspring. But then I speak as someone whose beloved grandmother started her life in service as a maid in Liverpool, later worked as a dinner lady, and took a pride in cleaning houses for people who respected her and the impeccable loyalty and standards she espoused. So if anybody implies that to earn a living by working in the service of someone else is demeaning, they get a short, sharp (and very rude) response from me.

Would they feel this way about a friend who had trained as a nanny and lived “in” with a professional family? Or is it just because you are a man of a certain age? I wonder if they would have looked down on you if you’d taken a short course in carpentry or gardening and went around putting up bookshelves for people or pulling weeds? Honestly, I just don’t get it.

All that matters — and the only thing that should concern your children — is that you are happy. I expect that would have mattered most to your late wife, because when you love somebody their wellbeing is paramount — which is why I share your disappointment with your family. Would they prefer you to be lonely and bored, or fulfilled by an intriguing, offbeat new challenge? I’d ask them if they really want to tell the grandchildren that “ Grandpa is miserable, all by himself, rattling around that place of his with nothing to do”. How much better to say, “Grandpa has a lot of fun looking after Mr X” and “Mr X has pots of money and all those horses but he relies on Grandpa totally — so isn’t Grandpa unbelievably clever?” Because you are. You’ve been bold and smart, and have clearly translated your management skills to this new role. If you were my father I’d be proud of you.

I receive quite a few letters that hinge on family problems like yours, usually children trying to tell their parents what to do, having views on their new partners and so on. Of course it’s understandable, but we must always question our motives. Just as many parents require their children to do well at school and university out of sheer vanity, so many children later believe it’s their right to place their parents on the chess board as a part of their own game plan.

With quiet confidence, tell the carping voices to be still — because their self-serving interference demeans them, whereas your job confirms you in independence and that “dignity” so vital to the butler-hero of Kasuo Ishiguro’s The Remains of the Day.

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E-mail your problems to: bel.mooney@thetimes.co.uk or write to her at: times2, 1 Pennington Street, London E98 1TT. Detail such as your age is helpful. Please include your real name, but we will use your chosen pseudonym if you wish.

Bel Mooney reads all letters but regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence.