Pizzas galore!

“You can never get enough of it. Never. After a third of a lifetime analysing this, I can absolutely assure you that’s true.”

Suspect all eco-nazis

“All religions are methods of control. Eco-nazis are another form of Jesuit priests. They have built an enormous industry which they now have to support, and it all comes from probably the most deeply flawed book in the history of mankind, Silent Spring by Rachel Carson. Billions of dollars are spent on the planet every year based on its ridiculous assumptions. No one knows whether mankind has had one iota of effect on heating up the atmosphere or whether it’s just a cyclical pattern. But I don’t like people telling me: ‘You are a blood-sucking bastard draining the life out of this planet.’

I’m not remotely interested in your wretched and pathetic prognostications of gloom, Mister Eco-Nazi Jesuit Terrorist. You can collect all the plastic bottle caps you want as long as you give me the money so we can get off this death trap, find somewhere else and have tremendous fun screwing that up as well. That’s what all species on this planet were born to do. Screwing up a planet is changing it. I’m not planting this heartland forest with my ill-gotten gains for the benefit of human beings. I’m doing it for entirely egotistical reasons. I want 50,000 acres called The Forest of Dennis. I have no children apart from godchildren, and I never give them more than a quarter of a million each, so what else am I supposed to do with it?”

Get rich and you’ll never have a real friend again

“Money comes with a series of strings. The first thing that happens, if you remain rich, is there is absolutely no way that you will ever know, for the rest of your life — never mind that someone falls in love with you for yourself — that someone is even your friend for yourself. No way at all. No method has ever been found. This is the case for all rich people. The last time someone fell in love with me for myself was in 1982, before I trousered my first two million. You can give it all away and watch what happens. Ninety per cent of the people you used to hang out with won’t give you the time of day. There’s no point in pretending that human beings don’t behave like that, because we do.”

Anyone who wishes to rule should be excluded from ruling

“I’ve always voted Labour and given Labour money because I think there’s an inch of difference between Labour and the Conservatives, and that’s the inch in which millions of people who have a pretty tough life live. But all politicians are windbags, sycophants and scum because they have put themselves forward. They are here for the sole purpose of proving how important they are. Victorian and Edwardian politicians did give up many years to public service because they genuinely believed they had to, in the spirit of Rudyard Kipling’s ‘send forth the best ye breed’. But today’s politicians are liars — partly because we make them liars. If they don’t lie, we will throw them out. That’s the hypocritical nature of our society.”