It can't be easy being a GP. Trying to diagnose and treat a patient's problem during a quick consultation is hard, especially when the patient resorts to euphemism to avoid embarrassment. Dr Ian Sykes, in GP (May 2), recalls asking a woman which method of contraception she used. Pressed further about her opaque reply - “I get off at Bilston” - the woman added: “We don't go all the way to Wolverhampton.” Dr Sykes was confused. And who wouldn't be? “Then,” he says, “the penny dropped - she was using the withdrawal method.”

Talking of contraception, the RAF is using condoms to recruit “practical and resourceful” young men, Campaign (May 2) reports. A marketing pack designed to flag up a recruiting event included a condom and a question: “Is a condom simply for personal protection or does it have other uses?” Apparently, it does, and many of them, although tantalisingly the magazine lists only one: storing water. What could the others be? Rocket launcher? Camouflage? Regimental tie?

Police in Cumbria also have a secret weapon: the humble napkin. In an attempt to cut the carnage on the county's roads, fast-food serviettes, distributed to burger vans on popular routes, are being used to “spread vital bike and road safety messages”, says Police Professional (May 1). Among the “vital” messages is “Dead tired or just dead?”, which has a certain eloquent simplicity, and this: “Bikers: don't crunch after lunch - fight fatigue, take a break.” The fundamental flaw in this brilliant scheme is that real bikers never use napkins - just their sleeves.

From speeding bikers to the tranquil waters of the River Dove in Derbyshire, where head teacher Bob Yeomans can sometimes be found casting a line and tickling a trout. When a water bailiff came along and pointed out that Yeomans' rod licence had expired, the head was mortified, says The Times Educational Supplement (May 2).

Assessors wreathed in secrecy

Research assessment exercises are now so secretive that academics are using the Freedom of Information Act to view assessors' reports

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Acknowledging his oversight, he paid a fine and costs. A year later, his heinous misdemeanour cropped up during an enhanced Criminal Records Bureau check, and St John's Primary in Walsall is now waiting for clearance to keep its fishing head. “It was just child protection gone mad,” says Yeomans. “It was clear the offence was irrelevant.” Other teachers have also come unstuck because of CRB checks: one was reported to police by a neighbour for walking around his house naked. No action was taken but the incident was recorded on the teacher's enhanced check. Obvious lesson: mind your tackle.

Other Views

“The tragedy of today's academic public intellectuals is that the public they are trying to reach is the very one for which they have a ‘diminished' vision.” Academics have a low opinion of the public, says Dennis Jayes, head of the Centre for Professional Education, Canterbury Christ Church University, in Times Higher Education (May 1)

“I understand that I have been barred from more pubs than any person in history, including pubs I have never been into.”Alistair Darling's alcohol duty rise may leave him with few options for a night out, reports The House Magazine (April 28)

“In the modern world, there is a greater need for police in A&E than there is at football matches.” Mark Radcliffe hits out at hospital hooligans, in Nursing Times (April 29)

“Kids who don't play [video games] at all are actually at greater risk of getting into trouble.” Lawrence Kutner, author of a study that found that playing games helps unite children, especially boys, in The Times Educational Supplement (May 2)

“We have seen the emergence of a kind of cold war in some parts of the country, where very separate communities exist side by side, increasing the likelihood of little interaction across racial or religious lines.” Trevor Phillips, chair of the Equality and Human Rights Commission, in Regeneration & Renewal (May 2)

“The professional view, although it is not unanimous, is mergers are inevitable.” Sir Norman Bettison, the lead on the future of policing for the Association of Chief Police Officers, quoted in Police Review (May 2)

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