When was the last time you called your spouse into the kitchen to make a presentation about the “challenges to the family going forward”? You haven’t? Of course not, for this nonsense is talked only in the office. These phrases mangle language. Going forward? That would be instead of backwards?

Your colleagues talk like this for three reasons: first, it makes them feel part of a club. How they love discussing EBIT and what sounds like its father, EBITDA. But you can thwart them by looking up the terms on Google. Soon you will know all about LBOs and IPOs.

Second, why discuss nasty things clearly when you can make them sound friendly? That is why sacking became redundancy became downsizing became “rightsizing”. That last one sounds as if employers aim for a Goldilocks-style balance, rather than to cut costs by whacking half the workforce.

Businesses also try to exude optimism, even as bankruptcy looms. So problems become challenges and challenges — naturally — opportunities. But when did you last ring the repair man and say you had a challenge with the washing machine? You can get ahead by translating these euphemisms into English and gaining a reputation for “telling it like it is”.

Third, executives use irritating language because it fills in uncomfortable pauses. Just as courtiers developed an elaborate language for use in front of the king, so executives use circumlocutions to oil wheels. That’s why they don’t say “Here are the figures” but, “I would like to share some numbers with you”. Soon, phrases such as “going forward” become nervous, vocal tics, the equivalent of “at the end of the day”, which is the favourite of footballers on the telly. Be brave and vow never to use any word that you wouldn’t use in real life. The secret is, you will be the only person in the office talking sense.

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