Online is delighted to report that songstress and sometime broadcaster Charlotte Church has announced her pregnancy (www.CharlotteChurch.com). Yes, the creator of the seminal Tissues and Issues is today emitting only tears of joy. Well, that’s the official line, the patter of tiny feet not typically being first on one’s agenda at the grand old age of Just Turned 21.

Charmingly, the story broke after speculation that Church must be in the family way as she had enjoyed uncharacteristically sober birthday celebrations. (Contemporary cultural cross reference: seven months’ pregnant Kerry Katona’s alleged drunken brawl at her romantic Valentine’s wedding. Slebs, eh? One sniff of the barmaid’s apron and they’re toppling like ninepins.)

Today’s confirmation is unfortunate news for heat, Grazia and the like, which could have enjoyed months of speculation as to whether this was a case of a bun in the oven, or who ate all the pies. Happily, in La Church’s case, the situation is guaranteed to encompass both.

The world should not be too shocked at Church’s premature accession to up-the-duff status at an age when the only sane reaction would be an ashen-faced: “What are you going to do about it?” Celebrities, not least teen celebrities, do things differently. After all, once one has sung for the Pope at 12 and been voted Rear of the Year at 16, the only truly thrilling courses of action left open are the prosaic: purchasing a property in Wales, snogging a rugby player called Gavin, and drinking oneself witless.

Doubtless there will be finger wagging to the effect that Church has “trapped” her beaux, perma-tanned rugger bugger Gavin Henson; not least as she has long been declaring her intentions to ensnare him on any chat show that would have her (namely, her own). Although why a girl of Charl’s many and varied talents would use these wiles to attach herself to a man of such fundamental orangeness remains a mystery.

NOTE

The author would like to make clear that, where normally she might have peppered her remarks with references to the artist’s oeuvre, in this case such a strategy seemed gratuitous.