Smash hit

The pair have requested Harrods vouchers instead of gifts and are reported to have struck an exclusive deal with OK! magazine to the tune of £1 million (by coincidence, the sum the event is reputed to have cost). Lionel Richie is rumoured to be performing, while Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich is expected to bless the couple with his presence, together with a honeymoon on his yacht. Other attendees should include Frank Lampard and attendant WAG Elen Rives, and Ashley and Cheryl (Girls Aloud) Cole.

Gerrard and Curran will also grace the pages of OK!, and are widely predicted to play host to the glitziest guests with a three-day affair at Cliveden, Berkshire, seat of the Profumo scandal. Their guesstimated £750,000 celebrations will include supper at the Roux brothers’ Waterside Inn and an innovative private golf tournament.

With the exception of Posh and her heir presumptive Coleen McLoughlin, Curran is Queen of the Wags. Rumours regarding her dress abound, and it has been variously reported as being the work of Dior, Balenciaga, and Lebanese designer Elie Saab whose trademark is to bespeckle his frocks with diamonds. All that the bride has confirmed that her fittings have taken place in Paris and that she is “dead pleased” with her attire.

Naturally, given such consummate WAGgishness, she will juxtapose her white number with a burnished teak tan.

Such is Curran’s might that their guest list reads like a footballing Who’s Who, including Michael Owen, Ashley and Cheryl Cole, Danny Murphy, robotic dancing Peter Crouch, and Robbie and Kerry Fowler.

They will party until the wee small hours, sustained by a bacon buttie and chip repast, and with no less a luminary than Take That’s Gary Barlow on the piano.

Tyne and Wear teen sweethearts Carrick and Roughead will preside over the most touchingly low-key celebration, albeit one with a bill expected to hit £500,000.

They will marry at a church near Melton Mowbray, with a reception at neighbouring Stapleford Hall. Frustratingly, these down-to-earth Geordies appear considerably more interested in cementing their union than in securing media headlines, with entertainment provided by the bride’s brother’s band. Spurs striker Jermain Defoe and Carly Lucker, Joe Cole’s resident WAG, are expected to attend.

In contrast to this rather lacklustre display, Neville and Hadfield will be keeping the WAG flag flying with what is predicted to be the most exorbitant bash: at £1million and counting – no more than one would expect from the Beckhams’ best man.

A ceremony at Manchester Cathedral will be followed by a stay-at-home do (home being a recently renovated £6 million estate in Bradshaw, Bolton, said to rival the much-vaunted Beckingham Palace).

So desperate were the couple to show it off to family and friends that Neville employed 200 workmen around the clock to pummel it into a fit state.

Size is important and Neville can claim the weekend’s largest marquee, in addition to being reputed to have spent a cool £170,000 on his intended’s engagement ring, compared with Gerrard’s positively miserly £30,000.

Once again, Vera Wang is expected to have taken responsibility for the dress, which will be set off by a decorous motif of red, white and black (Manchester United’s colours). Neville’s close ally David Beckham is not expected to attend due to training commitments at Real Madrid but may be represented by his Posh inamorata.

If such a punishing bout of glitz is exhausting merely to contemplate, one can only imagine the logistical nightmare for attendees. Indeed, the weekend has long been regarded as the ultimate etiquette nightmare for the footballing fraternity, at least, for those of them aware of the meaning of the word.

In a case of (really colossal) handbags at dawn, England striker and Shrek-a-like Wayne Rooney and his partner Coleen McLoughlin have been under particular pressure, as they are believed to have been invited to all four big days.

The pair are rumoured to have opted for the Terry v Poole and Neville v Hadfield playoffs, plus a late barbeque-based appearance at Carrick v Roughead.

It is to be hoped that unlikely fashion icon Coleen intends to stay clear of Curran’s acrylic manicure.