Dame Barbara Cartland thought that eight was the ideal number for a dinner party. Which meant that I failed miserably at the first hurdle when attempting to live by the late romantic novelist’s Etiquette Handbook: Guide to Good Behaviour from the Boudoir to the Boardroom this week. I have only six dining chairs in my tiny flat in North London (four of them fold-out), so two of my guests had to sit stoically on the arm of the sofa. Despite the setback, I was determined to follow the Great Dame’s exacting advice as closely as possible.

Her book, first published in 1962 and due to be reissued next month, decreed that it would be “dirty and slovenly” to entertain guests in normal attire. And so I put on a cocktail dress, decorated the table with flower heads (the book suggested roses or dahlias but I could only get carnations) and set about my task as model host.

Some things I simply could not live up to. There was no parlour maid to take my guests’ non-existent hats and fur stoles, and I was without finger bowls and the small lace mats on which they should sit. It was also tricky, in my distinctly one-storey flat, for the ladies to retire upstairs to powder their noses while the men chatted about manly things after liqueurs. Otherwise, it was by the book(ish).

I picked a modest three-course spread — prawn cocktail, roast beef and lemon cheesecake — to reflect that I had no paid help. Dame Barbara, who was born in 1901 and became step-grandmother to Diana, Princess of Wales, did instruct me to enlist the help of my husband, but as I don’t have one, a live-in boyfriend had to do. Suited and looking dapper, he escorted arrivals into the drawing room while I did my level best “not to appear flustered or worried”. As this also doubles as the dining room, we did not have far to walk to the table, which was laid with gold name cards and already set, in the manner of any wise host, with the starter.

The evening was a moderate success, although some of the invitees could have paid more attention to the “Ideal Guest” chapter I left open on the table. “A tip to those who are not wealthy is that any quite cheap white wine, if sufficiently chilled, tastes good,” the book reassures, but what is a lady to do when a friend arrives with a bottle from Costcutter? And there was a vegetarian. I am sure that Dame Barbara didn’t have to put up with those.

The next morning I rose promptly to prepare breakfast for my “husband”. Female emancipation, supposedly, is no substitute for “the happiness of being a fragile, delicate little woman protected and looked after by a big strong man”. As a woman used to being brought a cup of morning tea before her feet touch the ground, this was a particularly trying reversal of fortunes. Nevertheless, I rustled up a rather fabulous double-decker bacon and egg sandwich amid the piles of dinner-party washing-up.

“Probably the most important years of a girl’s ‘public life’ are spent at work,” Dame Barbara says, so, eschewing any garment worthy of a “prima donna or film star”, I kissed my better half goodbye and left for the office, where “girl employees have never had it so good”.

I kept jewellery to a minimum. Dame Barbara apparently “knew a man who got rid of a really efficient girl because the interminable jangling of her trinket-festooned bracelet as she typed sent him nearly insane”, and I was determined not to upset my male colleagues. But my calling them “Sir” and “Mr” did not last very long.

Quite honestly, Dame Barbara was beginning to grate. What readers made of her at the start of the swinging Sixties is one thing, but in 2008, eating an apple with a silver knife and fork is an unnecessary hassle.

After less than 24 hours on planet Cartland, rather than heading home to look “smart and attractive” I went to the pub in search of a very unladylike pint.

The done thing

From Dame Barbara Cartland’s Etiquette Handbook: A Guide to Good Behaviour from the Boudoir to the Boardroom

— On every formal occasion, whether Luncheon, Bazaar or a Meeting , a hat should be worn

— Women use cosmetics, but that is no reason to advertise the fact or demonstrate the method of applying them in public

— If you are out with your marriage partner, make an effort to look amused. To look bored is advertising the failure of your personal relationship, even if you remain tied together

— Marriage partners should never open each other’s letters

— “Mummy” and “Daddy” have become universal terms among all classes of children when addressing their parents. “Ma” and “Pa” are obviously abhorrent

The Do’s and Don’t’s according to Debrett’s

First-date rules

You should try to kiss her (if it’s gone well), but you should not try to get her into bed (take the lead from her). If it went well, never say “thank you”

How to ask for a pay rise

Think about what you’d like and ask for a bit more. Avoid ultimatums; don’t threaten to leave (unless you’re serious) – they may just say OK

How to pack a suitcase

Lay trousers flat against the bottom of the case, leave legs hanging over the sides. Place tissue paper over the top. Pack shirts, jumpers, jackets. To finish, wrap overhanging trouser legs around everything. This will ensure there are only soft folds rather than unsightly creases in your trousers

Ten classic plays you should see

King Lear, Death of a Salesman, The Duchess of Malfi, Glengarry Glen Ross, The Homecoming, The Importance of Being Earnest, Look Back in Anger, Long Day’s Journey into Night, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead, Waiting for Godot

Which television?

Above 42in, buy a plasma TV. Below 42in, go for LCD.

Dealing with doormen

Treat them with respect. Don’t argue. They have the power to refuse entry. They can also throw you out. Only the brave attempt bribery.