Despair not. Loving hearts are more than expensive and sentimental stationery. Pick up a bunch on your way home tonight. The red roses will cost about £5 a stem, and they will all have gone anyway. There is still time to lash out on a last minute investment in chocolates, champagne or flowers. Curious how this romantic anniversary (supposed to be the first day of spring, when the birds begin to mate) has become so immensely popular, boosted by the powerful greetings-card industry and huge media coverage, Hein? Do not despair. Love makes the world go round, not just on this one day of the year.
Are there any differences in etiquette at the marriages of divorcees? Presumably, previous marriages and spouses should not be alluded to in the speeches at reception. And what about gifts - what do you think would be appropriate?P. D. L., Surrey
The etiquette of second weddings is problematic, relaxed and evolving. There are no strict rules in modern manners that are are appropriate for all such weddings. Logically, the bride's ex should give her away, since he is passing on the traditional responsibility for keeping her. But this will never do. It is not necessary for anybody to give the bride of deuxièmes noces away. She is no longer a child being handed over by her Daddy. It used to be assumed that the second bride should not wear white, since white is a symbol of virginity, which cannot be assumed in the case of second marriages. Impertinent "experts" advise ivory, champagne or pastel wedding-dresses for the second-hand bride. Children of either party should be included. I have seen two sons "give away" their mother. I went to a wedding last year at which the mother of the bridegroom had three husbands present, her present partner and two trade-ins. It was all perfectly friendly. With sensible divorces, as they should be, that is the way things should be. It should be possible to refer to previous marriages in speeches, provided that this is done with a light touch. I have heard it done. Much better than have a great unspoken cloud overhanging everything. Presents for a first wedding (American: shower) are traditionally intended to help the happy couple set up house. Second weddings have presumably already been set up twice. A pox on any more CD-racks and woks. It is a bit presumptuous and ungenerous to put "no presents please" on the invitation. Many friends will want to give something for this second great leap into the dark. An occasion for a second wedding-list, for those who ring to ask what you would like.
If I have a trolley groaning under the big Saturday shop, I let somebody who turns up behind me with only two or three items through ahead of me. It is the generous thing to do. It saves me from sensing a shopper groaning impatiently behind me. And it is a little lesson that Saturday is for relaxation not hustle, and that the world is not going to come to a stop if I spend another minute at check-out. The little problem of etiquette arises if a stream of shoppers turns up with smaller shopping behind me. This is the same difficulty as holding the door open for somebody to pass through first, and being stuck there, while a stream as constant as the animals going into the Ark passes through. In fact, this does not happen. My supermarket has a fast stream for those with "less than ten items". This annoys pedants, who asseverate that correct grammar demands "fewer than ten items". To whom, I say: "OK. By your 'correct' rules: 'My house is fewer than five miles from the station. So it takes a taxi fewer than 15 minutes to drive to the station. And it costs fewer than £5." In each case, my idiom prefers "less than" 5, 15 and 5.
Following the tsunami, a friend has recently become heavily involved in charity fund raising and it seems as though she is seeking sponsorship just about every time she leaves the house. While appreciating the need to give to charity, and also that her heart is in the right place, I'd rather not feel bullied into giving to her collections on an almost weekly basis. How can I get back to giving to charities of my choosing and at my own pace without offending my friend? Barbara Chaplow, East Cheam
You must tell her in a perfectly friendly way that you prefer to choose your own charities. We live in a charitable age. But sponsorship is a modern form of charity mugging or chugging. Of course we support our friends and our young to encourage them in their noble endeavours. But we must also remember that charity is not an ego-trip. The best charity does not let its left hand know what its right hand is doing. And gives generously, behind the scenes, without hope of any reward or gratitude. Charity is a human good without the publicity. Explain this gently and with good humour to your charitable friend. Do not squash her charitable instincts. But explain that we are all bound to do our own charitable works, better in stealth than with fanfares of trumpets. Comic Relief raises vast sums for desperately needy causes. It is a pity that in so doing it has to flaunt the ego-trips of so many second-rate show-offs.
My wife and I enjoy cruising, including formal dressing up when required. Up to now, I have preferred a conventional dinner suit, black jacket with black tie and a white breast pocket handkerchief. However, since we now visit the Caribbean more often, I have "succumbed" to a white shawl collar tuxedo that admittedly is cooler. But I prefer to stick solely to my black tie worn with a black cummerbund and I refuse to adopt any other coloured combinations. My question is – is a white breast pocket handkerchief "de rigueur" or is it strictly necessary at all? Hoping to maintain standards abroad without appearing an old f—t. Anthony Jury, Cheltenham
Black bow tie and white hanky in breast pocket are conventional accessories with conventional DJ. But even these conventions are widely ignored by dashing (mostly young) men, who wish to be perceived as the Beau Brummells of our day and Arbitres Elegantiae. Striped bow ties in the old gold and magenta of Old St Custard's are seen, and red spotted handkerchiefs in the breast pocket. Severe fashionistas deem matching bow tie and hanky in mixed colours Charlie, naff and a touch vulgar. With hot weather wear (ie on a Caribbean cruise), white tux goes with other tropical gear first introduced by the Royal Navy. A white handkerchief does not stand out against a white background. A modest triangle of red or black is perfectly in order. A black tie is still the most elegant option. But we must take care not to be mistaken as attempting a James Bond impersonation for the Captain's fancy dress evening.
A close female friend of mine recently introduced me to her latest boyfriend. He seemed rather surprised to meet me, as I had met him the night before at a nightclub quite randomly, where he was dressed-up as a woman. They seem to be so in love, but shall I tell my close female friend that he is a cross-dresser? Or leave it up to him to break the news? S. M., London
The latter. Definitely. It really is none of our business. You must let your close female friend dance her own dance, and find out about her boyfriends for herself. All else is gossip, and could be interpreted as malicious gossip. Keep mum. Never by look or hint interfere. We do not know why he cross-dresses. It is not our affair.
Advice on ordering when taken out to a restaurant, please. I am embarrassed between appearing greedy and choosing something that I don't like. Whatever I choose, as soon as the plates arrive, I wish that I had chosen something else. I do not want to exploit my host. But I should also like, occasionally, to enjoy my meal. What do you advise? Elspeth J, Stokesley
What a thoughtful guest you are. And fortunate, to be dined out so often. This is a common dilemma among the sensitive, rather like the donkey who died of starvation because she could not make up her mind between two equidistant piles of hay. It is pushy (and greedy) to dive straight into the most expensive items on the menu - "Oysters, caviare and lobster, please." Unless directly encouraged to splurge by your host(ess), or unless you know his boundless generosity well. It is flattering to shove the bidding back to her/him: "What would you recommend?" It may often be sensible to go for one of the chef's dishes of the day. These do not always carry the subtext "leftover from yesterday," or "I ordered too much of this rubbish at the market." A restaurant that cannot get its dish of the day and house wine right is not worth a stuffed olive.
My boyfriend, with whom I have been for a year now, wants to go on holiday next month. He is somewhat picky over the type of destination he is willing to consider and anything below 4-star is out of the question. Unfortunately I am not in a position finacially to be able to afford such a holiday, so he has offered to pay for me. He earns about four times as much as I do and therefore can certainly afford to pay for my ticket but I feel guilty about accepting such generosity, preferring to pay my own way in order to not appear a gold-digger. This causes rows between us as he wants his luxury holiday and I do not want charity as I will not be in a position to pay him back. Should I accept his offer just to keep the peace, but at the risk of future comments of "but I paid for your holiday?" Name and address withheld
He is a generous boyfriend. And one must learn to accept such generosity with grace. I think that you should accept his offer, but first of all, explain to him why you are apprehensive about doing so. It is difficult to lay down firm advice without knowing the characters involved. He would be unkind to bring up the fact that he paid for your holiday in future exchanges. And he doesn't sound unkind. Generosity is a major virtue. But so is the acceptance of generosity in the spirit in which it is given. A generous giver deserves a grateful receiver.
Is it obligatory to wear a black tie to a funeral?Peter Brown, Colchester
The black tie is flotsam of the Victorian panoply of death, with plumed black horses drawing the hearse and black-edged writing paper. Not many of the young possess a black tie to go with a lounge suit. The custom varies geographically between classes. In country districts custom takes longer to change. Funerals bring out a village in black ties, and even bowler hats. Surprisingly, on the other hand, country graveyards have modernised with a bang. Gravestones carry coloured photos of the dear departed, and even recorded messages of his last words. A black, or at any rate sub-fus,c tie declares mourning respect for the deceased. It may be a suitable occasion for wearing the old school/ club/ or regimental tie that you and the subject of the funeral share. Dress is not the prime factor. Love, memory and support for the immediate family are what matter.
