When collecting my little Isabel from her primary school, I am trampled almost to death every afternoon by the rush of parents when the gates are opened. I stand back in terror. How can I teach them better manners, for the sake of their children?

I.L.R., Notting Hill Gate

You can’t. You shouldn’t even try. It is difficile to teach old dogs new tricks. Anyway, it is not a serious loss that you are at the back of the flood to pick up little Isabel. Stand back and admire the passing torrent with a Stoic smile. And teach your little girl good manners — never to push except in dire and life-threatening emergency. Good manners consist in putting the necessities of others before one’s own.

Could you please tell me the correct way to position a toilet roll on a holder and why? It causes much debate in the office.

Richard Anonymoses, The Jaques

Pedants of the bathroom place the roll with its back to the wall, unrolling backwards down the wall. Neptune, God of the Flushpots, knows why. Does it look tidier? The flushpots of Euston and the hanging garments of Marylebone (the fleshpots of Egypt and the Hanging Gardens of Babylon) — is Joyce contrasting the sublime antique and the sordid modern?

Once in a blue moon I have my hair cut at a upmarket salon — all the talk from the staff is about exotic holidays and lavish spending all beyond my means. What am I supposed to tip — or are they too grand to tip anyway?

Dorothy Beehive, The Clippers

Hairdressers are among the last survivors who expect a gratuity. Hairdressers, barbers, taxi-drivers and porters (if you can find one). Tipping is a curious and awkward survival from the Dark and Middling Ages, when the nobs tossed coins and purses to the plebs. We have evolved beyond such caste distinctions. But, in my experience, male barbers, however grand, are not offended to be tipped. Do not be put off by the boastful chatter of your hairdressers. If we spent all day with our fingers in other persons’ hair, we might well indulge in wishful chatter about the extravagance of foreign travel.

What is the correct behaviour in a London queue?

Molly White, Lavender Hill

George Mikes wrote: “An Englishman, even if he is alone, forms an orderly queue of one.” This is a complacent national myth. The first reference to queuing in English comes from Thomas Carlyle in 1837: “That talent of spontaneously standing in queue distinguishes the French People.” Perhaps in the war there was more camaraderie in the queue? The polite behaviour is not to push, not to queue-barge (horrid offence), not to lose one’s cool, not to descend into beastly queue rage, and to remember, even at Clapham Junction, that another bus might come along some time. Let us resolve to behave well in the London queue.

Is it always polite for the gentleman to walk outside the lady on the pavement?

Bill Dunne, Chelmsford

Traditionally the man walked the outside berth, in order to protect the woman from being splashed by passing horse traffic. The tradition still applies. On rainy days bus drivers take a vicious pleasure in giving pedestrians a shower. But it is offensive to make a big drama out of walking the outside walk. It treats the woman as the weaker vessel, which is a misapprehension. What does a gent do when he is walking along a towpath, with a river on one side and a road on the other?