Jeremy Clarkson
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From The Sunday Times
February 18, 2007
Mini Cooper S
If it ain’t broke ... oh, fix it anyway
A man asked me last week what ringtone I’d selected for my new mobile phone. “Pah,” I scoffed indignantly. “The one it came with. Do I look like the sort of person who has either the time or the inclination to change the noise his phone makes?”
And then rather more hysterically: “Do I look like the sort of person who cares what people think when my mobile goes off? Do I? Do I?”
The man was a bit bemused by my ferocity but I was only just getting warmed up. “Look at my hair,” I thundered. “That’s styled by erosion and time. And have you not seen my clothes? If I haven’t changed those since 1978, what makes you think I’ve changed the ringtone on a phone I bought only yesterday?” Sadly, however, I was protesting too much. In fact I’m a compulsive fiddler, never really happy with anything for more than five minutes. Which means that secretly, and rather embarrassingly, I changed the ringtone on my old phone all the time. It was a 24 eeh eeh eehooh, and then it was the first few bars of Bryan Adams’s Summer of ’69, and now it’s a sort of soft and unobtrusive pinging noise. So soft and unobtrusive, in fact, that I only know when it’s ringing when the dogs start to bark.
There’s more. When there’s nothing on the television I rearrange the furniture in my sitting room. And since there’s never really anything on television my sofa has covered more miles than the average Boeing 747.
Sometimes I even move the sitting room to another place altogether. I’ve lived in this house for 10 years and so far it’s been in four different rooms. Tomorrow morning an architect is coming to talk about changing the shape of the kitchen and whether I can put a bog in the larder.
This fiddling is so bad that I send the children to their bedrooms at 9 o’clock every night. But it’s often gone 11 before they find them. Then there’s paint. I’ve put so many coats on the walls in the spare room that now it’s not even big enough to put up a veal for the night.
I bet you have a set route for your journey to work. I don’t. And, of course, the utter and absolute joy of this job is that I drive a different car every day. Often I’m relieved to climb out of a Lamborghini and into a Nissan Micra because in my world change is the adrenaline rush. Occasionally I even find myself looking at other people’s children . . .
And now it seems I have a kindred spirit high in the management at BMW, because they’ve changed the new Mini for absolutely no reason at all.
The last one was still hugely popular, and much loved by everyone except James May, who can’t see the appeal, because of his hair probably. So why did someone decide it needed a new engine and an interior rethink? Because he could, I suppose. I like that in a man.
And I especially like the interior lighting he’s fitted. Not long ago BMW fitted a pin-prick red bulb on the underside of the rear-view mirror that bathed the interior of the car with the soft red glow of a submarine at Defcon 3. It was without a doubt the greatest single advance in automotive technology since Cadillac introduced the starter motor.
Shortly afterwards Mercedes followed suit, but instead of a red light it went for yellow. And that was good, too. It made you feel all warm fuzzy as you drove home at night.
But the new Mini goes further because you can choose what colour light you’d like to bathe in. And better still there’s a slider knob that changes the hue on an infinite scale, from red through scarlet and then purple until it ends up vodka bar blue.
For me this is the greatest piece of in-car entertainment ever. It means I can spend 40 miles getting the colour exactly right. And then, after just five seconds, decide it’s wrong and start again.
You can also change the perspective of the satellite navigation map. You can change the dynamics of the car itself with the little sport button. And it’s very easy to station hop on the radio, which, unsurprisingly, I do a lot.
You’re even given a choice of speedometer to look at. One is small and digital. The other is circular and huge. Richard Porter, the man behind the Sniff Petrol website and the chap who writes the only jokes that ever actually work on Top Gear, claimed that he’d measured it . . . and it was bigger than his face. That would be true even if he were an elephant.
As you can tell, there is much I like about this new car. Like its predecessor, it pays homage to the original Mini, and has a genuinely classless feel as a result, but it’s loaded up with all sorts of gimmickry, too, which gives it a modern, funky feel.
The only thing I really didn’t like about the look of the Cooper S I tried was the power bulge on the bonnet, which doesn’t actually do anything. Though I understand it will in future, suggesting that a more powerful engine is planned.
For now, the most powerful engine you can have is the 1.6 turbo — pretty much the same engine that’s fitted to Peugeot’s lacklustre 207. But in the Mini it’s great. Torquey when you can’t be bothered to change gear and zingy when you can. It’s surprisingly economical as well. The old Cooper S would do 32mpg. This manages 40.
The only drawback is that there’s so much power the front wheels get all squirmy when you push too hard out of a bend. It’s no big deal, but I wish it wasn’t there. It means you need two hands on the wheel and that’s hard when you’ve just decided purple's all wrong and Virgin is playing another two hours of back-to-back ads for stuff you don’t want.
I also grew rather tired of the traction control, which if it were human would be king of the Health and Safety Executive, a high visibility control freak whose job was to make sure you never tripped over anything. Mostly, I turned it off.
Then on again. I must also say while I’m being negative that the rear legroom is suitable only for amputees and the boot is not even big enough for a mouse’s pants. And some of the stuff on the new model is just downright irritating.
You have to put the key fob in a slot before you press the starter button, but the slot is behind the steering wheel where it cannot be seen. And even when you’re fully familiar with the whereabouts of all the controls they still cannot be found. Every single time I wanted to lower the window I ended up lowering the temperature by mistake. Although this did mean I could spend the next hour putting it up and down and then up again until it was just wrong.
The biggest drawback with this car, though, is the price. If you want a car of this type, a not very commodious small city car that’s fun to behold and zesty to drive, the Suzuki Swift Sport is yours for £11,499. The Mini Cooper S is a whopping £15,995. And if you go a bit mad with the options list you can easily be faced with a bill for more than £20,000. That’s way too much.
As a result, I’d probably buy the Suzuki. And then, after five minutes, wish I had the Mini instead.
Vital statistics
Model Mini Cooper S
Engine 1598cc, four cylinders
Power 175bhp @ 5500rpm
Torque 177 lb ft @ 1600rpm
Transmission Six-speed manual
Fuel 40.9mpg (combined cycle)
CO2 164g/km
Acceleration 0-62mph: 7.1sec
Top speed 140mph
Price £15,995
Rating 4/5
Verdict Classy, classless, but not cheap
To Clive Gray,
The MINI doesn't unlock itself and drop its windows while you are sleeping - owners who haven't read the manual do it themselves by holding down the unlock button on the key fob (keys shoved in tight jeans pocket a common cause). This function can be de-activated - also in the manual!
Geoff K, London,
I purchased a Mini Cooper S last October. I agree with everything Jeremy has to say about my 'rollerskate' but I just love driving it. It's nippy and fast and the first time I tried the sport setting I nearly kacked my pants! By the way, I'm 51 years old and retired. One slight problem I had was when it was delivered, I specifically asked for the roof, mirrors and air-scoop to be the same colour as the body (British Racing Green) but when it arrived it had a ghastly white 'cup cake' roof and white mirrors. It was duly sent back and a week later it arrived with a written apology and a huge bunch of flowers. Overall I love the car.
Dave Brynolf, Glasgow, United Kingdom
av got an 03 cooper s jcw works 210 got it friday i nad a focus st before this is a better car n a good bit quicker
davy ross, invergordon, scotland
Reading the well informed 'Evo' title will tell you all you need to know about the new R56 Cooper s.
Whereas the old cooper s was average in the small hot hatch group this one is now the best against the Clio 182
et al and even rated amongst the fastest round a track against the bigger Golf GTI, Focus ST class.
Just traded my Clio 172 Cup for one, something that i would never of thought to do when the old supercharged model was still new.
Austin, Harrogate,
So, having just signed for a new Cooper S (Phase 2), am I going to be disappointed?
I don't think so.
Perhaps I'm missing something here, but what exactly has been lost in the upgrade (with the exception of the addition of some rather tasteless air-con controls)?
Development of a marque is something all manufacturers should be doing, and Mini have done it well, the Phase 2 looks very similar to Phase 1 and has lost none of the charm.
Perhaps the doubters are bedaubed with seeds of envy, perhaps they hate change so much they prefer fly buttons to zips, or perhaps they just like superchargers....whatever the reason, the one thing P1 and P2 owners have in common is the pleasure of owning a car which has cost a reassuringly large sum of money, and will repay handsomely when the times comes for P3.
Oh yes to answer the other point, can JC really compare the S with a Suzuki Swift which is plain, plasticky and simply not a MINI..
Mark Perkins, Poole, Dorset
Cooper S superb car you smile when you get in to drive and smile even more wfter the drive.
It is reasuringly expensive but you get what you pay for it handles superbly pulls superbly and is just brilliant, 140 road tax very good Insurance shop around its very good, and running costs with the service pack very reasonable.
ok YOU PAY FOR THE EXTRA'S BUT THERE WORTH IT.
One very happy Cooper D and Cooper S owner
Jim, Aberystwyth, Wales
Many years ago I made a point of reading the car review article in my parent's Sunday newspaper . If I wanted to read about the car and avoid the equivalent to the lead in to the religious bit in 'Thought for the Day' I would have to start the article about halfway through.
I have noticed that the Clarkson 'Thought for the Day' factor varies between 1/4 and 1/3.
But ¡horrorosa! sometimes there are whole articles like sermons which never get to Jesus.
Graham , Linlithgow, UK
Mine just broke . . .
Matthew Greaves, West Yorkshire,
The answer is simple, get yourself an BMW M5. If that's too expensive then a BMW 550. The Audi looks like Hitler's moustache and the Mercedes drives a sponge. If you worried about the snow, just stick winter tires on the you will fly through the winter. I just did my first winter with a 335i shod with Blizzak Revo RFT. No problems.
vix, Stamford, Connecticut
Being 5'4" ( just ) , I find that getting into my Mini I need a shoe horn....but once there , happiness indeed . The trouble is that , living in Canada I face many miles of straight roads , in and out of town , so that joy of going round bends in the road just isn't there.
Incidentally , using the correct tires the Mini is great in snow, unlike the Volvo P1800 I once owned which got bogged down after a few snowflakes, but then Sweden is a tropical country , n'est ce pas?
The Mini also has that " funky " appearance ( not unlike the revamped Beetle ) which excites comment .The same could be said of the Smart Car although one avoids the looks of pity from the average spectators.
Gordon Fulthorpe, Dundas, Canada
I have a phone set to the same ringtone it came with. I drive a Ford Mondeo and have done for many years. There's a washing machine in my larder, that's been there since the day I moved in.
Something definitely needs to change - but I agree with you that the new Mini's a bit on the pricey side. If I put a loo in my larder I'm not sure where the washing machine would go. And, if I'm being perfectly honest, I wouldn't know how to change a ringtone. So thank you for the Suzuki Swift Sport option - as it doesn't strike me as the most obvious solution - but I will let you know how I get on.
Ian, London, UK
As an avid U.S. reader I can say that you are unequivocally nuts, but highly entertaining.
If you were choosing between an Audi A8L quattro, Audi A6 4.2 quattro or Mercedes S550 4matic, what would you choose????
VSM, Bedford, New York
I have e-mailed you at Top Gear but am extremely anxious for your assistance following a car accident in France my family and I are now battling with our insurance co Privilege -who claim that as we did not have a green card we did not have fully comp insurance only third party. They have now admitted that you don't need a green card & that the policy booklet they sent to us has been updated & the section covering "driving abroad" which had "handy Hint" take a Green Card has been removed. PLEASE PLEASE help us if only to protect other people. We are forwarding allof these details onto the Omdudsman but our insurance co is part of the Direct Line, RBS, Tescos grp. How many other families will suffer the same fate.
Jo Fisher, Wokingham, Berks
Be sure to have a heated toilet seat fitted...my ones actually bettter then the heated seats in my BMW...which is a nice after a long hard days work.
Ken, Stevenage, Hertfordshire
I have a loo in my larder!.. I am 6ft and it's not exactly roomy! All I can say Jeremy is that you'd better make sure you have room for your knees or facilitating your new privvy may not be too unlike taking a 'pony' in the back of the mini you just described!
Mike, Dover, UK
Jeremy
An architectural idea for your new toilet - Obviously, this would be in the form of a new mini, cut in half, with a toilet bolted in. It gives you all the light changing freedom of the mobile version as well as a radio. In fact, you could even turn the large speedo into a fish bowl.
If you require any more great ideas don't hesitate to ask an architect....
SS, Surrey,
Jeremy
I hope someone will keep your loo seat warm-my larder is very cold!!!!
william meston, mistley,essex, uk
Halp - I'm being likened to James May (I'm one of those that can't stand the Mini - or understand the whole retro thing)
Mark, Taunton,
Jeremy,
Is that Ford GTX-1 really as good as it looks and sounds?
The Pod, Toronto, Canada
I wish you could get the diesel in the US. Running one of those things on B100 would be sweet!
Rich, Tucson, Arizona, USA
Hi Mr. Clarkson,
From the first time I see Top Gear, it's become immediately my favorite tv car show.
I only would ask you when you come back on BBC prime (i watch from swiss) and wish you continue to do so good as i see.
Thank you and wishing see you soon.
Arias, St-prex, Switzerland
As other enthusiasts have often pointed out the true replacement to the mk1 Mini is the Ford Ka......very cheap to buy & run, go kart handling & truly different to anything else @ the time they were introduced.....if they had been able to put the 1.25 Zetec engine in the Ka it would have been near perfect!
D Jenkinson, Stoke on Trent,
Hello,
Well, I don't know whether Jeremy is actually reading these comments, but in case he does, here's mine: I don't give a... penny for his car reports. It's the introduction of each article of him that gives me a good laugh. A real pleasure (usually).
Thank you Jeremy
ANTONIS KIRIAZIS, Roodt/Syre, LUXEMBOURG
Hello to ever reads this, I wonder if by some magic way that this can be forwarded to Jeremy Clarkson please.Nothing to do with cars although I watch Top Gear, but I belong to the Donkey Breed Society a National Society, we were all delighted to read Jeremy's account of when he first owned a donkey the fact thet he had to build a bus shelter etc think it was in the Sunday paper extremely well written we were in stitches.I was very sorry to hear that Geoffrey? had died . Would it be possible to have a copy of the original description of owning a donkey so that we can put it in our donkey magazine plus we would love to know a little more about the donkey and why he died and anything else that would make a good article(donkey related) I have been asked to write an article and I can think of nothing better than an article from Jeremy. Please move mountains for this and dare I ask, please could it be this week as otherwise I will miss the going to print date.Thanks a million.
Owner of nine donkeys.
Jean Fooks, Bristol, South Gloucestershire
Errr... Get a life people, it's a hatchback, a cool hatchback but it's still a hatchback.
That means you've had to make a compromise; it's not a sports car or a family car, but you needed something practical, fun and easy to park.
I would imagine that Gordon Ramsey uses a fish knife for cutting fish and a meat cleaver for chopping meat. It is unlikely he uses a Swiss Army Knife for both jobs.
In the same way that I have a fast car for having fun, and a big tank for being practical. If you have to settle for second best don't moan. There's nothing wrong with it, I quite like the new Mini but the saying 'jack of all trades, master of none' springs to mind.
Ps. Clive Gray - It's a BMW Mini mk2, or new Mini mk2; these new models have nothing to do with the last 200.
Hammond, cheshire,
Clive Gray
I suppose you would prefer the Germans close the factory in the UK and pass the jobs to another country? I expect you are just envious that it took a German company to produce such a good car. I have had 2 minis and neither have had ANY faults.
RD, Plymouth, Devon
Mini mark2? Does everyone have the attention span of a goldfish? The Mini mk2 came out over 40 years ago and there must have been another 12 or so versions before BMW stuck their fingers in the pie.
So here we are, with the Mini mk30, a car that we hope is better than the description offered about BMW's by a BMW mechanic....sorry......technician <Back for More Work>.
Then again, when BMW inflicted their version of the Mini upon us, it had a mind of it's own. The windows would open and the central locking would unlock whilst you were fast asleep in bed resulting in insurance companies refusing to cough up when it got nicked cos you left it unlocked with the windows open......and whilst it was raining, plant life evolved in your pride and joy and amphibians would stare at you from the driving seat as you went to open the door.
But we mustn't forget, price tag aside, this is a Mini. And why do we pay so much for a Mini? Three little words - Bavarian Motor Works. Over priced and over here.
Clive Gray, Sheffield, UK
The new 2007 Mini is nowhere near as good as the pervious one - Its definately lost that Mini feel - it's just another small car. I tried the 2007 model and decided to keep my old one year old CooperS and upgrade it with the Works Kit.
Tony Belcher, Warwick,
the cooper does not directly compete with the swift sport, more with the new clio 197 and golf gti
jem, new zealand,
Jeremy this car is way to expensive considering its size, but remember 'bout dynamite and its dimentions
wilbran, Cape Town, South Africa
Dan Red: What on earth are you on about?
Tim Simpson, Surbiton, UK
J.C.
All the bits that wind you up on the Cooper 's' are not on the cooper. Enough power, great fun and looks cool. So if like me you could not afford the 'S' by the Cooper anyway.
To all the Knockers: Realise your points are not really big points and try and find a better replacement for your "phase 1"
Stuart, Scunthorpe, U.K.
The car is just the car that I would to have as a second one.Just right for the city.I've droved the Suzuki wich let me cold.Go for the Mini.
Vicas, Oradea, Romania
A person would reads Jeremy's column and expects it to comment only on the car is the sort of person who would go to a Mercedes dealership and be genuinely ticked-off that he couldn't buy a BMW. Pure reading pleasure as always Jeremy. Shame BMW won't apply it's strict rear-wheel-drive-only policy to the Mini as it does with its own models.
Michael Carlesson, Perth, Western Australia
If people like myself, who pay more than ample tax through the fact that I work hard and have earned enough to drive a nice car like a Range Rover, which I do, is then labelled as someone who is killing this planet we live on, I would also like to stereo type the Soap Dodging, Drug taking, Benefit claiming, old campervan (which polutes more than my car) un insured people who have too much time on their hands to worry about what I am doing than concertrating on what they are doing. If any of them are to read this, if you save up enough of your benefits, then catch a flight to one of the countries that is building more and more coal powered power stations...oh but you may be shot for that.....if you would like to spend your time wisely and genuinely care about the world, give up smoking, sell your camper and buy a bike and a tent and get a job and pay your taxes so the government can use your taxes to help combat global warming........or cover up another scandle.....
Dan Red, London,
Absolutely agree with AJ. They messed up the Phase 2 and lost this Phase 1 owner in the process.
Rob L, Glasgow, UK
I wish you'd stick to commenting on the car in question and drop all the other extraneous rubbish.
Gerry Watts, Hobart, Tasmania, Australia
He manages to do it once again! A man of his time, master of his profession, Jeremy really has taken cars out of the bar and into the homes of thousands like me who look forward to every Sunday's overthought simile.
Juan Labuschagne, Johannesburg, South Africa
Agrea to an extent with all the comments, Although the phase 2 Mini does look very much like a Jap clone. Its almost as if Kia had designed it. Park a phase 2 next to a phase 1 and you realisese just what NCAP pedestrian requirements have messed up. And a Cooper S without the Whine, thats not an S, its a bloody emission friendly fun spoiler. So what if it does 40mpg now, if i wanted fuel economy i would have bought a Golf Tdi, Unfortunatley the Phase 2 will not get as many o the phase 1 owners returning. Do i have to remind BMW of the famous "bug-eyed impreza" that made us all sick a few years back. BMW need to speak to Porsche and ask them how they make the 911 better each time without spoiling the originla formula.
AJ, London,
God forbid, Clarkson, but you're beginning to sound more and more like Michael Winner, in particular, having read it three or four times, paragraph 9.
May I suggest that the two of you swap columns for a week?
Brian Garlick, London, U.K.
Amused by your ribald sense of humor but also concur with your comparatively harmless critique. You see my friend, you have been far less severe than I. For example, I absolutely abhor the bloated front-end. It totally destroyed the beautiful fender contours of its predessors. And to top it off, it now needs opthalmic surgery to get the headlights to appear to point straight ahead again. The enlarged wheel openings and lips ( although gigantic lips may now be in vogue) also look awkward and vertical. The black plastic C-pillara are far less elegant than the galss wrap-around as are the side markers. That's just the tip of the iceberg. This MINI is maxi messed-up and stands as a glaring testament you your credo --"if it ain't broke ... oh, fix it anyway. Or, as I like to put it -- who would trade their Betty Boop for an Ugly Betty! And Big Ben belongs atop a tower not stuck in a dashboard. The current iteration of the BMC classic needs less gimmicry and more "form follows function" design thrust.
Bud Dill, Las Vegas, USA NV 89119
The original BMW mini gave me many a happy hour, not driving one of course but giving the endless stream of "daddys posh girl at Uni in Edinburgh" new mini owners a pearl neackless or 2. This became boring as the price of the Mini 1 dropped and the housing scheme brigade could hp it, they actually liked the experience and reacted , not with horror and disgust, but appreciation, that a wealthy buisness man would pay them such close and personal attention.
Now a new glut of these waiting list servants will be on the radar again, thanks BMW, for making 2007 a little brighter, or at least untill the "stand-n-tan" crowd reappear.
Dean Bridge, Edinburgh,
I'd have to say that I agree completely. I recently had a look at the new Minis at the Chicago Auto Show, and although I came away with a mostly positive impression, I did find myself saying, why? Although Mini is now an established brand in America, they still have a horrible dealer network with gigantic gaps between cities in which BMW dealers will not work on them, and at least in my opinion that would be a problem I'd care to address before getting to a "new" model. But yes, everything just seems right in the car. Everything is in reach, where you would for the most part expect it to be, the driving positions are spot-on, and you obviously won't have any problem seeing the speedometer. Funny enough, even here in food-driven America, I don't think our dinner plates are as big as that thing...
Brad Y, Grand Rapids, Michigan, USA