Jeremy Clarkson
Lip Service
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From
June 17, 2007
Mitsubishi Outlander Elegance
Are you in the north? And are you thinking of maybe moving down south for a better job and a better way of life? Well don’t bother, because it’s full. Last night I left the Top Gear test track in Surrey for the journey home. Simple. Go to Guildford, up the A3, round the M25, along the M40 to Oxford and then up the A44 to Chipping Norton. Do it all the time. Takes 90 minutes; less if I have some horsepowers.
Unfortunately, as I left the track a woman came on the radio to announce that some imbecile had crashed near Heathrow and that the M25 was all snarled up.
No big deal, I thought. It’s a lovely evening, the sun is shining, I’m in no desperate hurry and I’m in a Lamborghini Gallardo. I shall get the roof down and go home on the nation’s A roads. It’ll be like the olden days. I’ll feel like Christopher Plummer in his Battle of Britain MG. It’ll be fun.
It wasn’t. First of all, Guildford is a smallish town but evidently it has a population greater than that of Tokyo. And unlike London, where people work till six, seven, even 10 at night and the rush hour is prolonged, this is the provinces, where people leave the office at 5.30 on the dot. The result is as dramatic as a summer thunderstorm.
I arrived Guildford at 5.31, at the precise moment 8m IT consultants climbed into their BMWs and hit the road. It was a staggering, choking, infuriating, miserable crawl all the way to the A3 and I knew, as I joined it, heading south, that the M25, no matter how bad, would have been quicker.
Then I missed the A31 turn-off. Which meant I had to take the B3001 to Farnham. This is a nice road, snaking through some reasonable views and a couple of Ma Larkin villages. You might imagine, if you lived there, that you were in the countryside. But you bloody well aren’t because the road was chockablock. More crammed than a public bog in Algiers the day after Ramadan.
And because it was a lovely evening, some of the local cycling Nazis had slipped into a pair of Lycra shorts and, to get rid of the stresses of consulting an IT all day, gone out onto the road to get in everyone’s way.
It’s all very well thinking that your bicycle is only a foot wide and that there’s plenty of road for people to pass. But if we give you only a foot, you bang on our boot as we drive by and call us names. So we have to give you 3ft and we can’t because there’s a constant stream of traffic coming the other way, which means we’re forced to stumble along at 6mph with nothing to look at except your wizened, walnut hard, shiny black bottom jiggling about in front of us.
Then it was Farnham, which has a level crossing right next to a set of lights . . . that went red as I straddled the railway lines. I was therefore stuck, right in the path of the jammed-up commuter trains that rattle about at this time of day disgorging red-faced businessmen into their cars for the crawl home.
So I was forced to drive on the wrong side of the road – in a Lamborghini, which is not inconspicuous – and take shelter in a garage forecourt. So here we are, in 2007. I’m trying to get from Guildford to Chipping Norton, and I’m stuck on a forecourt, in the wrong town, sheltering from a train.
Eventually I arrived at the biggest roundabout in the world looking for signs to the next town on my list. Basingstoke.
There aren’t any. The council and the Highways Agency have decided instead to list a number of villages no one’s ever heard of. So, using the sun, I took a stab and miraculously ended up on the right road. Which, with no warning whatsoever, became the wrong road.
So then I was in a housing estate, stuck behind a school bus that was attempting to turn right. This might have been possible in the 1940s when there was a war on and no one had any petrol. But it isn’t possible now; not in the southeast of England – which, I learnt last week, would be the 11th richest country in the world if it were a state.
And no one got that rich by stopping to let a school bus past. So I sat there, with the metronomic dashboard clock ticking away my life, knowing that if I had set out on foot I’d have been home by now.
Eventually the bus oxidised and I was able to drive over it and back, through an industrial estate, on to the A287 to Basingstoke. Which I decided to miss by going along the A303 and then turning north onto the A34.
Now the A34 is a big road, a fast dual carriageway mostly and scene of those protests over the Newbury bypass. In essence, the town needed to divert traffic away from the town centre so there’d be fewer outbreaks of cancer, less smell, less noise, and fewer children being run over. But a chap with long hair, called Swampy, decided the bypass was a bad idea because it would mean having to rehouse some snails he’d found. So he made a lot of noise and lived in a tree.
Common sense, however, prevailed and the road was opened. But no one has thought to put up a signpost advertising its presence, which meant I was now on my way to Wiltshire. I like Wiltshire very much. The rolling chalk hills are beautiful at this time of year and there’s a chance you might catch a glimpse of Peter Gabriel.
But then again, I also like the south of France, northern California and the Italian lakes. I like lots of places but where I wanted to be was at home. So I pulled off the A303, only to discover that it was one of those junctions where you can’t get back on again, going the other way. This wasn’t signposted. It never is.
I wonder sometimes how much of the traffic on our roads today is made up of people in strange towns trying to make some kind of sense of the signs.
There’s one, in Olympia, in west London, that says the right turn ahead will take you to Clapham. Yes it will, but it will also take you to Earls Court, Fulham, Chelsea, Putney, Brixton, Brighton, France and the Kamchatka peninsula in eastern Russia. Why single out Clapham?
Then there are one-way systems. The day before my four-hour trip across the southeast I was in Lyndhurst, down there in the New Forest. You arrive at a set of lights and want to go straight on, but instead you’re forced to go left, into a one-way system of such mind-boggling complexity and such length that halfway round most people pull over and try to will themselves to die. Well I did.
And have you been to Stroud? You arrive from the west and no matter what you do you end up in the railway station car park. And Basingstoke, where you are sucked off a dual carriageway, whether you like it or not, and wind up in a multi-storey car park. And you have to pay to get out again. How fair’s that?
And now this idiotic government is trying to build another God knows how many million houses in this part of the world to accommodate people from Albania and Huddersfield who think life in the southeast is a bath of ass’s milk. It isn’t. It’s a seething mass of superheated metal, tarmac, frayed tempers and decking. It’s a manicured pressure cooker, a forest of carriage lamps, up-and-over garage doors, and ego. It was full years ago, and they keep on cramming more and more people into it so that now it doesn’t work any more.
Yes, there are tiny pockets of peace and tranquillity. There are roads, too, where you might have fun with a car. But the only reason they are empty is because they serve no useful purpose any more. They were created by sheep but the sheep have gone, replaced now by – well, more sheep actually, with suits and ties and tennis lessons.
There is, if you live in this vast suburban sprawl, no point having a nice car. It’d be like living in Niger with a Gordon Ramsay recipe book. The ingredients just don’t exist, not on the roads you actually use to get about.
What you want, then, is something reliable and practical but so unutterably boring that you never feel inclined to open it up anyway. The Mitsubishi Outlander fits the bill perfectly.
Enough said.
Vital statistics
Model Mitsubishi Outlander Elegance 2.0DID
Engine 1968cc, four cylinders, diesel
Power 138bhp @ 4000rpm
Torque 228 lb ft @ 1750rpm
Transmission Six-speed manual
Fuel 40.9mpg (combined cycle)
CO2 183g/km
Acceleration 0-62mph: 10.8sec
Top speed 116mph
Price £24,766
Rating 
Verdict A good car for going nowhere
1) Why does everyone hate, when Jeremys reviewing the supercars? If you dont have the faith to make enough money, thats your issue. Besides, you were never obliged to watch.
2) The mitsu outlander, an oversized taxi cab with you in the passenger seat would suit the same purpose.
Khalid Hassan , Doha, Qatar
Oh dear, now that is why I have an old ford banger... if I'm going to be stuck on the road, then I don't have to worry about the cycling nazi's beating it!!
lisa, ilford,
Clarkson is great ! The review is not great but then again the car is not inspiring? The man is a plain speaking gent without the need to be PC ! long may he stay that way.
Ian , Harrogate, UK
Utterly pathetic review.
Enjoyable read, though. On the other hand, I can hear very similar opinion of the South East anywhere in The Moaning SE. I came here looking for something different. Moto journalism.
I somehow wrongly believed I will find some usefull information, as I plan buying 4x4 or pick-up truck, but JC didn't help at all. Mitsubishi? Nissan? Toyota?
Erlandas, London, UK
I am a great fan of Top Gear but I think they test too many supercars.Ok, supercars with carbone this an that MIGHT (for someone..?!) be more interesting than a new Mitsubishi Outlander or a new Volvo but it is after all these "common" cars people actually buy..I live in Norway and a car like the new Mitsubishi Outlander is perfect for our winter conditions.I am afraid Mr. Clarkson would be up to his neck in deep cold Norwegian snow if he tried to drive one of his supercars in snowy winter conditions.I suppose Mr. Clarkson feels that the Mitsubishi is too common and without any "soul" but that is actually a good review coming from Mr. Clarkson.There is a You Tube video from a deep Russian snowy forest where this Mitsubishi drives in the snow and I think it is quite impressive hov it gets forward.I would have liked Mr. Clarkson to do the same route under the same conditions with a Koenigsegg, a Lamborghini,a Ferrari or one of his other useless socalled "supercars"...
Christian,Norway.
Christian, Bergen, Norway
I'm suprised Clarkson didnt have much of a kind word to say about the Outlander. There is plenty of room inside for Big Heads like him! I agree with the "reliable and practical" bit.
Roger, Whitehaven, UK
If Jeremy Clark slates a car then it is obviously a car to buy. Its time he entered the real world and joined the rest of us who not only can't afford a Lambo but don't want one. To sum up, if JC raves about a car then for God's sake dont even think about buying it.
Bruce macDonald Allan, Dedham Essex, UK
I wanted to read an opinion on the car. Jezza writes mildly amusing stuff about his annoyances rther than doing his job - again. We can't all afford 'exciting' cars.
Steve, Coulsdon,
The best argument I've heard for road pricing. If a commodity is in short supply and high demand then there will be a high price. In this case the price is hidden, but it's still there because we pay in time and inconvenience for crowded roads. Road pricing reduces the price paid in time and inconvenience and switches it to a price in terms of actual money.
John Small, Faversham, UK
Give up the day job and buy a MicroLight
Filby, Fondettes, FRANCE
This just goes to show, it's relative. I left cold grey & wet NW LEICS in 1993. Now I live in the USA.
My home state of Arizona is approximately the same size as the UK with less than 6 million people. I can quickly get 50 miles away from any sign of human influence except the dirt road I drive on - i.e. no paved road, no other cars, no houses, no power lines, no aircraft, no fences, no barns, no nothing - just jack rabbits , hawks and lizards.
I also find it esay to estimate travel times, traveleing outside the major ciites - miles = minutes. Although the 130 mile trip Phoenix to Flagstaff trip takes just about 90 minutes.
When I visit family in the UK, I feel the walls closing in & I can't wait to get home again - sorry. I half-expect to hear that the UK has sunk beneath the waves under the weight of all those people.
Dave Cawdell, Phoenix, Arizona.
Driving in England stunned me. I drove from Dover up to Derby via the M25 once and it was absolutely horrendous the entire way. And just as it got a *little* less crowded in the Midlands some moron with a truck literally, physically, pushed me off the motorway. The police said I was lucky to come out unharmed.
Never again. England makes driving in Holland (Europe's most densely populated nation unless you count Monaco) seem like a walk in the park.
Erik, The Hague, Netherlands
Haha, made me laugh all the way through, I know your pain!
I've lived in Guildford for the past 4 years and it's amazed me how it's pretty much the only town in the world where the bypass neatly splits the town in two! Guildford is promptly turned into the worlds biggest car park as soon as there is an accident on the A3.
A3/A31 turn off, why hide it behind a bridge!? So easy to miss!
And I know exactly what you mean about the Stroud train station car park. It's made even worse when you get penned in the corner of it by the inevitable rail replacement bus trying to get round the overly large planter posing as a roundabout!
Rich Upshall, Guildford, UK
you should then try using the road system in malaysia...ummm...hang on -what roads???!!! there's a system ???!!!
gazz, KL, Malaysia
I've just moved back to South Yorkshire after a decade of living in London. I can park outside my front door, drive 5 miles in 6 minutes, and get about an extra 15% mpg out of my BMW, which has become a pleasure to drive instead of a liabilty amongst London's uninsured cretins (oh yeah, I got a £70 refund on my insurance too). I could do with a job, mind.
Liz W, West Melton, Yorkshire
The bovine stupidity of petrol heads:
1. We hate congestion
2. We hate cyclists
3. We hate road pricing
4. We don't understand that 2+3 helps fix 1
alec mith, Maidenhead, Berks
Thank goodness for the Clarkson view on life,made the whole family laugh,which is all we can do regarding our current"roads" situation. We moved from Guildford many years ago to quieter Hampshire but at this rate may have to move to Sark!
Elaine, Lindford, Hants
Perhaps Jeremy should try a motorbike sorry maybe a scooter would be more suitable.......
Michael, Bussage, England
Good old Jeremy. Welcome back to reality C21 style. Actually, I think M*****bishi cars quite good value for money. I'd rather be stuck in traffic in one of these than a poncy Lambo.
Mr Steve, nr Oxford,
The usual grumpy old man slant from Clarkson on a trudge that any normal man or woman has to make daily for the whole of their working life. Thank God you don't live or work in the real world Jeremy - you wouldn't be able to take it. Maybe the situation you found yourself in was caused by there being far too many cars on the road. Maybe the solution would be to charge car users to use the roads. Maybe improving and investing in public transport might be the answer. Or maybe you just should have left work later, but then you might not have had a subject for your weekly rant ...
Andrew, Epsom, UK
Mr Clarkson has as usual found a witty way of communicating the bleeding obvious. Well it's been obvious to me for a long time. I'd go further and argue that with a few exceptions the UK as full. Period.
OK, so that is inconvenient for Mr Clarkson and other people that try to have 'fun' on the road, but it is also a nightmare for everyone else just trying to go about their business.
Roads aside, what about all the other pressures that overcrowding places on the economy? Like housing, hospitals, schools, welfare & benefits, water, pollution etc etc etc.
I also believe that the overcrowding is in part to blame for the lack of basic manners and politeness etc. We knaw at each other like rats in a crowded cage. What quality of life is that?
And as for the Nazi cyclists, I'm afraid Jeremy is confused. 20% of cyclist (in London) are anarchists not Nazi's. They blatently ignore all forms of traffic signal in their quest to cause accidents and then blame other road users.
Andrew, Maidenhead,
Hmmm..................
Add to this thousands of mini-bus taxis with zero respect for the law and you have a typical South African suburban road! Cyclists are the lowest form of life on our roads and they generally have a life expectancy of 20 minutes. A cyclist which has just been hit by a mini-bus taxi driving down the shoulder at 120km/h is not a pretty sight!
Warren, Pretoria, South Africa
a bit anoraky this week
simon, thornton, uk
If we had a 50mph national speed limit with 20mph in all built up areas we would all reach our destinations more quickly, death and injury would be reduced and there would be less fuel used and less pollution.
gordon love
S ave
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campaign
gordon love, deal, kent
you should then try using the roads in malaysia...ummm...hang on -what roads???!!!
gazz, KL, Malaysia
Hey guys..calm down, all this venting must be bad for the blood pressure!! Was in UK last year and we had a ball driving on your 'Motorway' system, it produced lots of laughs in our 'Panda ' rental , as our confusion caused sooo much anger and hatred from your drivers , it truly was amazing.
Come and visit South Island NZ , I can whistle over a 400km mountain pass in just over 4 hours and the grin never leaves my face the whole time , and with the top down all the way...yea !!
Timmy, Nelson , New Zealand
Ah Peter, he said everything about the car. Let me summarise - its as good as a traffic jam.
Enough said.
Just a point on the cyclists though - if each of them got in their car to go for a drive rather than a ride how much more congestion would there be? Mind you sitting on your bike riding through congestion is probably as healthy as sitting on your butt at home.
Thanks JC, entertaining as usual.
Andrew E, Otaihanga, Kapiti Coast, New Zealand
I met a Dutch man who had tried to drive into St Ives, Cornwall. He was dead keen to take the bus the next day!
jane, oxford,
Surprised the Lambo made it through the local backroads surrounding Farnham, to say nothing of the 'A' roads.
Over the past couple of years the quality of the local top surfaces would embarress dear old Fidel Castro's bazooka potholed excuses for roads in Cuba.
Pleasantly surprised to hear that you got out of Sandy Hill estate in 1 piece in the Lambo though, you should really be counting your blessings for that. Your family should be very grateful that no Richard the Lionheart style ransom note made its way back to the Chilterns rather than your good self Mr C.
Jeremy, Farnham,
If you want to drive your Dacia or Lamborghini ( if you can find one to steal) come to sunny Albania. Houses are cheap roads are empty, both of them. The girls are pretty.......well perhaps not pretty but they have a pulse and are very gratefull. Take a cheap flight to Stanstead once a month and break into some houses. If there is no car in the drive you know you have 3 hours especially at around 5.30 pm. You can sell cheap CD & DVD players to people stuck in traffic jams on the bus lanes. Then go back to Albania and blow your £20 on drink, women and more drink. It's legal to drive in Tirana while under the influence of drink and hookers and it's not as violent as Huddersfield. I originally came from Liverpool but hated the cafe society, as for the Mitsubushi, very safe cars they never get stolen.
Alfonze, London, UK
Poor Jeremy, he has finally got a taste of reality. Well next time he should test a Humma so he can role over some of the cars.
Duminda, Melbourne, Australia
"Anybody who buys a Lamborghini deserves all they get."
eric, harrogate, uk
Do I detect a slight ressonance of jealousy mixed with the realisation that eric (a very approriate abreviation!) will never be able to buy a lambo? I also smell a beard, a dead end job and a wife who he doesnt like anymore but will never divorce.
Good on you Jeremy, I love your ability to irritate! Eric- dont let yourself derive your only pleasure by pissing on other people parade!
Matt (an Ex-Pat), Dubai, UAE
Considering what you have described, and considering the national speed limits, why do you bother quoting the top speed?
Harry, Stirling, UK
Brtish road signage is probably the best in the world. Certainly better than my experience of the USA. Try locating the airport in Madison, Wisconsin from the beltline (ring road). It's not even signposted until you can smell the kerosene – and eventhen, it's a titchy little piece of enamel at a T-junction.
Andrew Gallant, Leicester, UK
I would second Al's comments re Sat Nav, shortest route equals less traffic. However be prepared for off-road conditions. Those with 4x4's (or even soft-roaders) will benefit most from shortest rather than quickest option.
The answer to the rush hour (or three) is of course a motorbike you may upset a lot of people when you are going up the middle of the road but at least you get home at a reasonable time and the rush you get is the same as a Lambo and probably much better than a Lambo in a traffic jam.
Kevin Alexander, London,
I LOVE good old Clarkson. Thank god for him!!! The only thing he has in common with Prescott is that they are both guaranteed to make you laugh , only Clarkson means to. Right on, Jem, keep making me happy.
elizabeth schumann, Paris, France
What is it with car design at the moment? Just about everyone has joined the cluttered mess look of Chris Bangles work. The X5 has always looked like a bad suit, and time will be cruel to it. Everything looks like a 70's Toyota, and the Outlander looks like everything else that's bland. When will a breath of fresh air arrive?
Derek Bell-Morris, Perth, West Australia
Why on earth would anyone from Huddersfiled want to downgrade and move South?
We need more passport control on the M1 to stop whingeing southerners heading north!
M62 Man, Yorkshire,
The roads where you might have fun with a car have speed cameras.
Ant Hayes, Kings Worthy, Hampshire
Jeremy, I am sure your enjoyment of driving would be greatly enhanced if there were fewer cars on the road, especially at peak times. Travel Planning helps employers to provide the facilities and incentives to work from home, car share, cycle, walk or take public transport, which due to the situation on the roads you describe, most prefer to use.
Although you may not realise it, in wishing for less congested roads you share the same aims as the sustainable transport field.
Rory McMullan, London,
Be glad you didn't end up in Aldershot!
Jason H, Ash, Surrey
I sympathise with Jeremy but?
He would be better to fall alongside the rest of the nation.
Buy a Sat Nav, avoid the heavy conjestion. Leave late like the Londoners and get straight home.
Lamborghini Gallardo, I bet it doesn't even have a CD player!
keith, manchester,
I think Jeremy's having a bit of fun, Chariie, I wouldn't take it to heart. You'll have a heart attack, man! (or woman?)
peach, prestatyn,
How in the name of God does that 6'5" fossil get into and operate a Gallardo? Is it a special?
Paul Kelly, Birmingham, England
Good point, the world (and not just the South of England) is terribly over crouded. Even up north it is not much fun getting in or out of Leeds or Manchester in rush hour.
The Chinese seem to be the only ones tackling the problem with their one child policy. Well done to them.
But I propose even more: a no child policy for the next ten years for everyone.
Then the roads someday will be quieter and driving will be fun again.
Richard Ward, Greensboro, NC, USA
Enough said? but you haven't said anything about the car!
Peter, london,
What is the relevance of Jeremy Clarkson, equal to that of John Prescott I think. Prescott is on his way out to pursue a career roaming the World dispensing his wisdom, any chance that Clarkson will follow suit.
Running on Empty, Gerrards Cross, Leafy Bucks
You should have a competition on Top Gear to find the most useless or misleading signposts. I've found that signposts are put up on the assumption that you're a local and already know where to go, 'cos if you aren't they're rarely any good. The classic is the series of signs to town X which lead to a junction where the only exits are signposted with every town except X. Civil servants must have competitions to see who can come up with the most confusing sets of signs.
John Small, Faversham, UK
What Jeremy is really trying to say is move to the South Island of New Zealand. Fantastic scenery, open roads, no congestion and best of all, no people.
Jim, Auckland, New Zealand
Having lived next door to Albanians, I can advise you that making fun of said Albanians is not conducive to long term good health.
Cruentus, New Jersey, USA
it's a deal so long as all the jeremy's stay darn sarf.
anthony morrow, jarrow,
The A303/A34 junction is well signed, but from what I can remember, the signs look a bit tatty and haven't been replaced since the 1970s or early 80s. The worst place for navigating is Milton Keynes - it has all the character of a Morrisons' supermarket car park. Since the Chieveley roundabout was bypassed, the A34 south of Oxford is never clogged up even at peak times. Hampshire isn't 'full', and neither is Oxfordshire. What is full are the commuter areas close to the M25, M3 and M4.
James, Derbyshire,
Try bloody Beziers in the South of France! I was once stuck there for over 3 hours trying to find any road that led anywhere other than back into Beziers! Even the locals avoid it.
Malcolm Glover, Penzance, UK
hope you enjoyed farnham :) you shouldve stopped by for tea
Nahid, farnham, surrey
'appen you came from "oop North" originally Clarkson and are doing very nicely in the South East as a civil servant, apparently.
What's Donny like to drive in at closing time then - (can you remember)?
Pete, London, UK
"maybe something to chat about rather than how much better it is "up north". Stay there then...."
Most of us have. Its just the boring ones that move to London.
You know... "When in Rome..."
Trust me... all the ones with any sense stay up north in the nicer parts of the towns and countryside. I wouldn't have it any other way :)
"Better to be middle class up north than middle class in the SE" - Never have truer words been spoken!
Jamie, Halifax, UK, West Yorkshire
Why won't more people give up the struggle and get on a scooter or motorbike? Your quality of life goes up by a factor of three knowing that your journey to work will take precisely 32 minutes, no matter what the traffic's doing and all you pay for is the petrol you burn.
You need not even get wet or be injured in a prang - BMW invented a very safe scooter called the C1 in 1999, but none of you wanted to buy it, so I did instead. And now I smile at EVERY other road user knowing that I have the best form of transport in existence whilst they fume in the stationary traffic, DON'T get wet and DON'T risk broken legs.
Stefan Szecsei, London, UK
Fantastic article! Clarkson on top form as always. And I agree totally about the cycling Nazis. THey should pay road tax or get off the roads!
Jonathan, Yelvertoft, Northamptonshire
You know, that's a good point.
Jeremy Clarkson, the guru of all things motorized, considers cars a burden. It really is sad, the machines that we love (particularly ones such as his speedy conveyance) are so hobbled by the sheer number of other vehicles on the road that it almost becomes a chore to drive unless you live far from civilization.
Gus, Los Angeles, USA / CA
Jeremy Clarkson needs to buy a GPS.
Raymond, Irvine, California
Nice one JC, have not laughed so much in weeks. Did you actually say anything about the Mitsu? While you are on the go about congestion you should try Abu Dhabi and Dubai, not just full but suicidal.
Nicholas J Scott, Abu Dhabi, United Arab Emirates
I feel Jeremy's pain... I really do. I live in Johannesburg, South Africa and Jeremy's decription of traffic is dead on about what it is like driving in Joburg. It seems that town planners live in their own little worlds and never EVER think about the knock on effects of cramming 2 billion people into an area the size of one of Pamela Andersons T-shirts. Its simple physics... IT DOESNT WORK! I really wish they would grow a brain and do some proper planning, rather than just designing towns based on what "looks good" on paper.
What do I suggest, lets all go back to basics and open fruit farms and make strawberry jam. I would rather wake up at 4 in the morning to spray deadly pesticides than sit in the mind numbing, life stealing rat race that is traffic and do 3km's in 2 hours just to make the corporates richER!
BTW we will also need playstations for our farms so decide amongst yourselves who will stay behind and make those.. I got dibs on the strawberries ;-)
Graeme Robertson, Johannesburg, South Africa
Has it really taken so many years for Clarkson to realise that his lifestyle is a joke?
Sam Tana, Preston, England
I thought people had already stopped moving South-East for "lifestyle" reasons? Get with it Jeremy, the wealthiest county in Britain is in the North (Cheshire/South Manchester) so remind me why I'd want to move to Guildford again? It comforts me to know that you think we're a bunch of monkeys up here, it means that the North is still the best kept secret and so our lifestyle gets better day by day.
Charlie, Manchester,
You should move back up north Jeremy - Rotherham is apparently very beautiful at this time of year.
Richard, The North is great - well yorkshire is.
richard, sheffield, yorkshire
There always used to be a particularly stupid roadsign at Guildford indicating to "A'Shot. B'shot, B'stoke" (Aldershot, Bagshot and Basingstoke). The road would be littered with unfortunate non English-speaking drivers desperately trying to find their way to Basingstoke through a maze of abbreviated signage.
As for road network policy formulated by a cyclist-based bureaucracy there is no better example than the current system in place for anyone trying to get from Aldershot to Wokingham or Sandhurst across the M3. A complexity of roundabouts, traffic lights and switchbacks leaves one breathless (in a non-cycling lycra sort of way) at the ingenuity of the road planning committee members who must still wake up in the middle of the night hugging themselves with glee at the snarl they created, which can even caused a SatNav system to fail.
Julian Taylor, London, UK
Jezza
Having lived in the Thames Valley for 30 odd years and covered the M3/M4/M25 (well every road west of the M1 through to the M23 excluding London, as far as possible, as there's a point beyond which life isn't worth living!) I moved to North Cheshire 18 months ago. It's so nice to find that they all drive as it was 30 years ago (excluding local neighbourhood overpaid footballers) in the South East and are polite. Which is why it's even greater fun driving as I've been used to with inches of space to spare between all the old jelopies!
Bernard Glossop, Altrincham, Greater Manchester
Jeremy, why don't you try a hot air balloon?
Martin Pilcher, Hertfordshire,
Maybe Jeremy should consider moving to Surrey in order to shorten his commute?
Andrew Montgomery, Manchester, UK
It's grim up north, anyone down south thinking of coming up here, please don't, we like to be poor, less well educated, without heritage or culture, all we have to eat are potatoes and turnips, and still travel round dirt tracks by hoss and cart.
Stay where you are, it's grim up North.
Shadrack, Durham, England
Well as long as they dont come north I,m happy!
Audi Driver, Kelso, Borders
I drove an Outlander around Victoria in Australia last year. It was quite good and handled forest tracks very well. apart from that...I really can't remember.
Steve Adamson, Blandford, Dorset UK, UK
If you think S California is busy - try Manila....
Makati, Manila,
Old man in "unable to find his way home" shocker.
M Jones, Brighton,
SO, I get the feeling that Jeremy now feels that cars are a burden, of course in a roundabout sort of fashion. I never thought I'd hear this from him.
Living in the south East and having to endure the depressingly drab northerners that come down here really is something. At least with immigration you get diversity and maybe something to chat about rather than how much better it is "up north". Stay there then....
So the Outlander isn't much cop then?
jugoya, oxford, GB
Maybe you should give cycling a go Jeremy. You might feel a little less stressed :)
Luke, London, UK
There are IT consultants like me, and i drive an S2000. Obviously not at 5.30 PM, when i would surely end up behind a 10 mph peugeot or renault, sucking toxic gas.
North italy is full too, we never asked for albanians or north africans, but they keep coming... so stay there at north, people.
PAOLO, bergamo, italy
Like the one about the cycling nazis. All they need is the uniform and the pictures complete.
Peter, Conwy,
Sorry Jeremy, but the roads of South East England are marvellous compared to South East Queensland.
Whilst it's taken me two hours to get from Bracknell to Reading in the past, it's mostly due to huge volumes of traffic or somebody crashing on a congested motorway at 100mph.
But here in Oz they compensate for their low population density by phasing traffic lights to ensure you stop every few minutes. Consequently, it takes me as long to drive across a near-deserted Aussie town as it did to drive out of Bracknell at rush hour.
Then, once your out of town, you're onto the highway. The 110kmh limit is strictly enforced and the highway is designed with curves, crests, dips and trees located in such a way that you can rarely see more than 500m ahead anyhow.
So if there's one thing that's more frustrating than being unable to drive because of congestion, it's being unable to drive on empty roads because they're so badly designed.
Chris, Buderim, QLD, Australia
If you think that's crowded, try Southern California...
Gus, Los Angeles, USA / CA
I commute from Hitchin to Rickmansworth and back every day. On the whole journey (32 miles), I only travel on A roads for 3 miles (the A505 and the A4147). The rest of the journey is all B roads and roads so insignificant, they don't even warrant a colour on Streetmap. The journey takes 1h 2mins there, and 1h 2mins back. It takes 1h 2mins on any day even a Sunday, at any time of day, whether the kids are at school or screaming their heads off in Disneyland. And I don't need a satnav. That's because I'm over 40, and I can still read a map.
You should try it, it does wonders for the stress levels, and even my Vauxhall Corsa feels like a rally car on a Welsh mountain stage each morning.
Stuart Robb, Hitchin, Herts
Is 5 minutes to drive the mile to work through nice Yorkshire streets with everyone raising their flatcaps to each other and letting each others' Morris Minors have right of way such a bad thing?
But its true about the SE being full. Last time I went it seemed to be trying to model an ant farm with each road being choc a bloc. Ants in nice cars mind.
Maybe earning less, but living with a bit of space isn't such a bad thing after all? But then again, maybe its because half of us can't afford BMW cars up here.
But then again, we can afford nice spacious houses in lovely scenery, which is more than can be said for the average SE dweller ;)
Jamie, People's state of Halifax, West Yorkshire
The 'best' way to get to anywhere in the South of England is not a matter of the route you take but WHEN you choose to travel.
If you can chose your travel time and are in Clarkson's income bracket, use your supercar. If you can't, then choice of car is immaterial but an automatic Mitsubishi Outlander Elegance with air conditioning and lots of gizmos to occupy you while-u-wait is as good as any.
That's 75 words in total, 33 on the MItsubishi but Clarkson had a column to fill.
ian, bath,
Stuck in a traffic jam and blaming "cycling nazis". Irony is not dead.
Sam, East Sussex,
Ah Lyndhurst.... It took me three times round the town before I eventually found the right road on the first occasion I had to travel through the place. Watch out for the deer in the New Forest too - they are apparently suicidal and I lost a wing mirror to one recently. I was lucky just to lose the mirror
G Wallis, Glasgow, UK
Oh the joys of driving in the south-east's rush hour - 6am to 10pm.
Justin, Wuhan, China
How many times have I missed the A31 turnoff from the A3 - I had to laugh! There is a better straight line route via Normandy, Bisley and Bracknell past Reading and on to Wallingford. I use it in preference to the M25.
Arnold Ward, Weybridge, Surrey, UK
Anybody who buys a Lamborghini deserves all they get.
eric, harrogate, uk
What other motoring journalist could get away with devoting his whole column to a 10 minute moan about the traffic on the way back from the office? Brilliant. Reminiscent of the completely blank column inspired - not quite the right word as I don't think anyone has been inspired by a Vectra - which appeared or rather didn't appear to mark that latest Vauxhall. How does JC get away with it? Glad to hear you were on your way back from the Top Gear track as the programme has been off the TV for too long.
T Griffiths, High Wycombe, Overcrowded UK
1485 words and only 32 about the car on “test” Must be some kind of record even for “the vituperative Mr Clarkson” Just as a bit of fun, award yourself 2 points if you can remember who said that about JC, the full 5 if you remember the car the author was referring to when they said it!
Tony Sharp, Corby, Northants, UK
The snails have been squashed under concrete and there are still too many cars to travel about in decent time. Swampy was right. Even one or two people cycling just makes things worse.
Ban the things. It is the only way. Then we won't need to go to war in the Middle East either.
Malcolm, McLean, Bradford, UK
Your mistake, Jeremy, was trying to leave (with the other sheep) at 5:30pm. Instead, you should have entertained yourself on the race track, signed some autographs, had some photo's taken with grateful school children trying to turn right, and also (as a result of the unique way you are funded) with the wealthier parents and their kids in their 4x4's. Having easily killed a miserable 90 minutes, you could have then set off home at 7pm when the roads are empty of pushy IT consultants in their BMW's and Audi's.
On one thing, I do agree though - the south east is full ....... if you are thinking of moving here, don't do it. And if I hear of one more blithering idiot in a HGV bending their lorry in two and closing either the M25 or the M40 at peak times any time soon, I am likely to burst a blood vessel .......... why can't these people learn how to drive?
Andrew, Oxford, England
I see NZ is hooked up to the Interweb. That's progress.
Jake, Earls court, London, UK
Your mistake, Jeremy, was trying to leave (with the other sheep) at 5:30pm. Instead, you should have entertained yourself on the race track, signed some autographs, had some photo's taken with grateful school children trying to turn right, and also (as a result of the unique way you are funded) with the wealthier parents and their kids in their 4x4's. Having easily killed a miserable 90 minutes, you could have then set off home at 7pm when the roads are empty of pushy IT consultants in their BMW's and Audi's.
On one thing, I do agree though - the south east is full ....... if you are thinking of moving here, don't do it. And if I hear of one more blithering idiot in a HGV bending their lorry in two and closing either the M25 or the M40 at peak times any time soon, I am likely to burst a blood vessel .......... why can't these people learn how to drive?
Andrew, Oxford, England
In case you were fed up enough to be thinking of packing up and moving downunder let me destroy your illusions: your description brought a touch of deja vu to this reader who has commuted in Sydney and Canberra. I won't even get into whinging about New York or Philadelphia suburbs traffic.
But look on the bright side, with peak oil upon us, in only a few years even the highly paid will have to give up driving and it will be just like the WWII petrol rations I've read of in history books and heard old people reminice about.
Steve P, Sydney,
Your first mistake was to rely on your brain to give you a route. A vital tool in the Southerner's arsenal has become satellite navigation. The first thing you do is change it from 'quickest route' to 'shortest route'. Your journey to work then changes from being a queue of traffic along the A303 to a hardcore drive along various B or unclassified roads. It's true that on most days the traffic jams get you there quicker, but a fun drive along windy roads more than makes up for that. My route through Wiltshire avoids all traffic jams and takes me down roads that nobody has travelled since the various bypasses were opened.
Stop trying to get from A-B in the quickest possible time and take the route which only a crazy person would take. Even in my 1.25 fiesta (not quite a Lambo) the drive results in me ending up at work with adrenaline pumping through my veins (blame the suicidal badgers). Get satellite navigation, ignore the sign posts, and rediscover driving ...
Al Nicol, Trowbridge, Wiltshire
How nice to read that Englishmen still have things to complain about.
edwinrogers, Auckland, New Zealand
It's not peculiar to the UK though. If you're driving in Ronda in southern Spain, and follow the road signs to get out of Ronda, you will never get out of Ronda. All signs lead you back to that damn bridge over the 90 thousand foot gorge into which you will eventually want to throw yourself...
John Polenski, San Francisco,
99% rant 1% review I wasn't going to buy one anyway.
Patrick Tolan, melbourne, Australia
Welcome to the worlds longest, and shortest car review ever. Brilliant!
Daren , Mpls MN,
I've decided to dedicate my life to righting the wrong that is 'city signage'. You could rewrite the article for Brisbane (yes, that tiny province of a million or so - the capital of Queensland, in Australia) and be bang on, simply by changing a few of the names - well, all of them actually.
But Jeremy, I'm disappointed. Your usual strength is that you offer a laterally (if somewhat half-baked or radical) alternative that will solve the problem you're illucidating on the day. So... where's the solution? I can't make it happen if you don't tell me what it is.
Graham, Brisbane, Australia/Queensland