Jeremy Clarkson
The Big Apple
Take a trip to New York and see the city from the air
Navigation - link to other main sections from here
From
December 23, 2007
Mini Cooper S Clubman
Just what you didn’t want - a turbo toilet
If you are a frizzy-headed, saggily breasted, left-threaded lunatic, Christmas is not a time for giving or receiving. It’s not quality time for the family. Nor is it a time to worship the baby Jesus, because of course that’s not multicultural or Winterval enough.
Christmas for these people is mostly a time of industrial-strength guilt. All year they feel guilty for being paid and comfortable but at Christmas they can really turn up the heat in the sauna of shame. They are guilty about the carbon vapour trail left by their cranberry sauce as it came over from America. They are guilty about the sheer volume of presents they bought for Tarquin. They are guilty about having central heating and a well-toned tummy, and teeth.
And so, to assuage the guilt, many have been buying charity Christmas presents for random families in Africa. All you do is make a donation to Oxfam and it will send a gift down the chimney of some mud hut in Mozambique.
You may think this is all jolly noble, and I’d have to agree if the presents were iPods or Manchester United football shirts or something the average African villager might actually want.
But unfortunately we are talking about a bunch of fair-trade lunatics so what they’ve actually been buying is goats. Hundreds of them. Oxfam says this is a brilliant idea, and ActionAid even posts a quote from Elias Nadeba Silva, a farmer, who was given one last year. “I have great plans for my field,” he said, “and my family is very grateful for ActionAid’s help . . .
“But next year, no more goats, Okay? I’d prefer a copy of Mothership by Led Zeppelin.”
Other popular choices from well-meaning idealists in the media-fuelled parts of eastern London include cans of worms, piles of dung, catering packs of condoms and the materials for making toilets. Who wants that for Christmas? “Daddy, Daddy. Santa’s been!! He’s been!!!! And he’s brought me . . . an Armitage Shanks Accolade back-to-wall bog, which combines classical elegance with a contemporary style.”
I can only begin to imagine the look of desperation on the little lad’s face. That crushing, all-enveloping sense of overwhelming disappointment. Someone in faraway England has gone to all the bother of buying him a Christmas present. It’s probably the only one he’ll get. And it’s a bloody bog.
Think about it. We’re told that we should never buy our wives or girlfriends anything with a plug, because this is bound to be something they need, rather than want. And exactly the same thing holds true the world over. No child anywhere wants a lavatory for Christmas. You need a lavatory. You want teddies and footballs and BMX bicycles. And AK47s.
It is hard, honestly, to think of a more useless, patronising and stupid present than a toilet. Not even a gift-wrapped copy of the worst book ever written - Versailles: The View from Sweden – comes close. But after much sucking of my ballpoint, I have come up with something: a turbocharged Mini Cooper S Clubman.
I should make it plain from the outset that I like the normal Mini. I think that although it has a wheelbase longer than the Land Rover Defender, and therefore isn’t mini at all, it has a lot of charm and so many natty design features, you really don’t care that the back is suitable only for Anne Boleyn and that the boot couldn’t handle even half a king charles spaniel.
I was therefore expecting great things from the Clubman. Because here is a car that offers all of the Mini’s edge-thin, Conran-cute design stuff in a package that doesn’t force you to amputate your passengers’ extremities.
Or butcher your dog.
My expectations were lifted still further by an excellent review in this newspaper back in September, and then by the look of the thing when it arrived at my house. I loved the double doors at the back. I loved the huge speedo. And I loved the fact that this practical little car was fitted with a turbocharged 1.6 litre engine that pumped out 175bhp. On paper, it’s hard to think of any car that offers the modern motorist quite so much. And all for a shade more than £17,000.
Unfortunately, after a week, I have decided it’s one of the worst cars in the world. About as desirable as a packet of dung or a can of worms. Truthfully? I’d rather have a goat.
The first problem is the single rear passenger door. It’s on the right-hand side of the car, which is fine if you live in Germany or America, where everyone drives on the wrong side of the road - pull up at the kerb and your kids get out onto the pavement. But here in Britain, where we do things properly, your kids are forced to get out into the traffic.
Then there’s the boot. Yes, access is good, and yes, you get 100 more litres of space than you do in the normal Mini. But it’s still pretty small. As that September review pointed out, the boot in a Honda Jazz is 100 litres bigger.
Furthermore, you can see out of the back of a Honda Jazz. You can see out of the back of most cars, in fact. Seeing out of the back is jolly useful and is one of the reasons the Lamborghini Countach was not a big seller. But you can’t see out of the back of a Mini Clubman. Glance in the rear-view mirror and all you can see is the pillar where the two doors meet.
It’s a good job that speeding is now monitored by civil servants in vans, because there’s no way you’d see a police car if it were on your tail. And it’s a doubly good job because the natural cruising speed of the Clubman S is 110mph.
The cruising speed of a car is a bit like the natural parting in your hair. It’s just there, and you have to concentrate hard to make it go somewhere else. Weirdly, it has nothing to do with engine size. It’s a combination of things – the resonance of the body, the suspension settings, the gearing. My Merc, if I’m not concentrating, sits at 85. It’s its default setting. And that’s fine. But fail to concentrate in the Mini, and it sails up past 100. You have to be alert to keep it down, and that’s wearing.
But not as wearing as the torque steer. I do not know why the Clubman is so badly affected when the normal car, with exactly the same engine, is not. But I do know that there is no point paying extra for satellite navigation, because this is a car that goes where the camber of the road dictates. You, the man behind the wheel, have no say at all.
And woe betide the chap who decides to put his foot down hard coming off a greasy roundabout, because what happens next, in my experience, gets perilously close to dangerous. At best, it appears to be an extreme flaw.
And that’s probably enough problems to be going on with, if I’m honest. Looking for good things in a car that torque-steers like a wayward horse and has no boot, no rear visibility, a silly door and a ridiculous cruising speed is a bit like looking for good things in a piece of fish that’s dry, tasteless and bony. There’s no point.
Anyone who grew up in the age of loon trousers knows that style can often win out over practicality. But with the Mini, the price is too high. There are just too many issues to make it work as a car. Think of it as loon trousers with no crotch.
And on that rather unusual concept it’s time to move on to a seasonal close. Please have a wonderful Christmas. Drink too much. Eat too much. Don’t feel guilty about the presents you give or those that you receive. Care not for your carbon footprint or the impact of your naked consumerism. Be happy. And remember, you are having a much better time than Gordon Brown because he has no friends and you’ve got lots.
Vital statistics
Model Mini Cooper S Clubman
Engine 1598cc, four cylinders
Power turbo 175bhp @ 5500rpm
Torque 177 lb ft @ 1600rpm
Transmission Six-speed manual
Fuel 44.8mpg (combined cycle)
CO2 150g/km
Acceleration 0-62mph: 7.6sec
Top speed 139mph
UK price £17,210
Verdict Humbug
The small door is on the correct side for the driver in a RHD car so that he or she can open both doors and quickly stow their coat or briefcase etc for a quick getaway. The driver has to get in or out on the road side so why should this be a problem for passengers. I've got one it's great!
Alan Thomas, Tunbridge Wells, England
It's so easy Ade...don't watch it..meanwhile I'm driving one and all the people take photos of my beauty, exclusive and unique car...By the way, what car do you have? Do you test one??..mmmm, no need to answer ;)
Albert, Barcelona, Spain
The Bog roll holder cum hand brake handle is in an awkward place when you need it .
Apart from that it's probably the smartest compact hearse I've ever seen.
Andre Bianchi, Lija, Malta
Great review Jeremy,
Totally agree.
Ugly looking car that can be summarised in one word - POINTLESS.
Just like all the idiots that will buy it I suppose.
Ade, Swansea, UK
This is in reply to James Riley. I fully understand your point that anybody trying to help the less fortunate should not be ridiculed for it but remember you are reading a piece written for entertainment. Clarkson has been to Africa several times before and he is more than aware of some of the terrible conditions people live in.
Remember its his job to write and be entertaining, once again I enjoyed this article and found it very funny (ipod in a mud hut). And just incase you think im being insensitive, I live in South Africa. Ok we're are far from the conditions of other African countries but i am exposed to it and well aware of the happiness a single plate of food brings to somebody who has nothing.
Nathan, Somerset West, South Africa
As Jeremy from London states, Clarkson is wrong. Aside from the issues mentioned by him, Clarkson's statement that "it cruises at 110mph if you don't concentrate" is a stupid one. Firstly, you should be concentrating while driving (maybe it's your driving that needs to adapt). Secondly, you could use cruise control on the car instead if you don't fancy concentrating, or just use the function that warns you if you have gone over a speed you have programmed into it.
It's also stupid to ridicule those who help people in poor countries. Clarkson's naive comments prove that he has no idea of the very basic amenities that third world countries lack. To them having something to eat or clean water is an excellent present.
To suggest that these people should not be helped devalues yourself, as they are a human being just like you- if their life is worth nothing neither is yours.
£4bn per year is wasted on unwanted gits which clutter up your home- why not spend the money helping others?
James Riley, Oxford,
I have to say that I must disagree with Mr Clarkson on a number of issues. To describe this as the worst car in the world is ridiculous and something I shall just put down to him being full of Christmas ill-feeling. I have had my Cooper Clubman for a month now and can say with confidence that it is a vast improvement on the Mini One Convertible that I had been driving for the previous three years. Now there's a car with no rear visibility. I was merrily bombing down the M3 several times over the Christmas break and was always able to notice the police vehicles behind me before it was too late. In fact visibility is great in this car thanks to the huge rear windows.
Ok, so the side back door is a bit of a fun gimmick rather than a wholly practical advancement but it does provide great access as long as you haven't parked on a motorway and the suspension is a huge improvement on previous minis, giving a smooth ride even on London's speed bump infested roads. Buy this car. It rocks!
Jeremy, London,
Is it me or is my memory letting me down? I heard that the naming of the new Clubman was a reference to the original.
The original Mini Clubman wasn't an "estate" version (they were called either the Traveller or the Countryman). The Clubman was more or less as the original Mini but with a re-styled "square" front end.
It doesn't matter a jot 'cos BMW can call the car what they like but I'm a little perplexed.....
A Happy New Year to one and all......
Colin, Wokingham, UK
I think everyone who is using the comments of this article to convince others that it is better to drive on one side of the road or the other should keep it up, because it will obviously change the way people drive everywhere.
I hope everyone had a very merry Christmas and plans to get very drunk on New Year's. Or if not drunk, at least plans to point and laugh at those who do.
Paula, New Orleans, America
Actually driving on the left makes perfect sense, especially when the steering wheel is on the right....
Will, Hannover, Germany
Is Kerry Crompton referring to Australia?
Got your book for Christmas Jeremy. Also got young Hammond's. Which should I read first?
And driving on the left is obviously wrong. All white van drivers prove this beyond any shadow of a doubt.
Keep up the good work young Jeremy.
Rudi, Fleet, Hampshire
"There's a huge body of research that shows driving on the left is safer."
we need are left hand on the wheel so we can hold our mobile phones with are right hand
PGT, Washington DC,
All the yanks trying to defend driving on the right need to remember that in your country roads tend to have few bends and the bulk of cars are automatic. If you factor in winding roads and repeated gear changes you'd understand why it is always preferable that drivers haver their right hand (the most dextrous and powerful for more than 95% of drivers) on the steering wheel. There's a huge body of research that shows driving on the left is safer.
Ian Moreton, London,
I've always liked the Mini, and in many cities in the States it's quite a good commuter car. But the Clubman? Ridiculous in too many ways -- if I want an ugly wagon, I'll get a PT Cruiser.
phoenix, Silver Spring, MD, USA
The wife has just bought one. They're not *quite* as bad as Jeremy says, but the visibility is amusingly bad. Just use the wing mirrors and get rid of the rear view mirror completely.
Rob, Birmingham, West Midlands
Others car reviews (in Hong Kong) doesn't said anything about torque steer
Only you say about it, you test a car very throughly, good job
MT, Hong Kong, China
I hope someone from those charities reads this. Which i think they will considering there friends from the 'watch your carbon footprint' will not be impressed if they bought newspapers. Its realy not such a great idea to send Africans goats (danm we got lots of those). Rather sponsor a primary school with books, join your friends and build a classroom. Do something meaninfull what are we going to do with a goat (besides braai of cause).
LKt, Lilongwe, Malawi
The goat gifts are as ultimately useful to the African villagers as the Mini would be to Jeremy, and about as well thought out too. As anyone will tell you, goats eat everything, literally everything, so having ever so kindly given one to some poor unsuspecting chap in Mozambique, the damn thing goes around and eats firstly all the grass and any planted vegetables, then all the leaves off the bushes, which of course kills them; that coupled with the locals cutting down all the trees for firewood for cooking, and guess what? The whole area is an overgrazed and lifeless dustbowl, and the goat then dies either of starvation or is killed by necessity by the farmer who's starving! My NGO then has to go in and teach them how to restore the land for crops.
The ipod 's no good as there's no electricity, however the Man Utd kit will be a big hit - I know as I've taken the shirts I've picked up in the UK into totally remote villages and the response from the kids has been heart warming!
MW, Cape Town, South Africa
and what do yanks know about driving anyway, other than in a straight line
dkatwa, london,
"But here in Britain, where we do things properly"
sure :)
there's not only one lunatic, who is going in front of the traffic on a motorway, all of them are! right?!
Peter, Budapest, Hungary
Hear Hear! I drive on the American side and am glad you drive on yours. You should have the right to drive on whatever side you want.... just move contries. We did a coupla hundred years ago and it worked for us. I test drove a mini and the only thing I ever liked about it was Carlize Theron driving it in some movie. I'll still with my Jeep or my wifes Neon. Cheers to ya mate...
Dave Pepper, Anchorage, Alaska, USA
Wrong, you Brits drive on the wrong side of the road, live with it.
Joseph, Bristol,
Mini? Poser's car at best. Get a grip!
Incidentally more people drive on the left than the right in this world!
Tom Taylor-Duxbury, Ludlow,
Amusing to read some comments here, where people think that just because Clarkson can (occasionally) be an amusing read, his views on the merits of a car must be taken as gospel.
Say what you like about the Clubman's looks, practicality (or lack of), but just about every other review that I’ve read rates the Clubman as an excellent drive. So, it’s more likely that it is Clarkson that is talking bollocks; not the other way round.
As for those queuing up to berate BMW for daring make the Clubman with its side on the “wrong†side, maybe they should keep in mind that after years of decline under British ownership it is BMW that has single headedly rescued and resurrected Mini (and Roll Royce) and made them once again successful brands worldwide.
Paul, London,
Well you couldn't crucify a cars reputation more than this Mini Clubman review he should know more than most that this might be Cowley Plants last new Model and it's a well made stylish car. I was an apprentice Toolmaker at Pressed Steel Fisher and it breaks my heart to see British industry go overseas.
By Jeremy Clarksons own admittance the public don't take a blind bit of notice of his reviews and the Clubman will sell, in bucket loads!
Andrew Bateman, Witney, United Kingdom
History lesson: Most of Europe drives on the right because they were invaded by a little man with a hat on the wrong way round. Hence, driving on the right IS the wrong way round.
Good logic, eh?
Charlie, Munich, Germany
Two things Jeremy. You aren't funny , you have an ego the size of a Mac Truck, and your values are all screwed up - still you know that anyway.
As for correspondent "rwn" a mini may emit less methane than an outdoor dunny but you should not consider dropping a brown one in a mini, it's for driving in you moron! Still you are a "follower" of Jeremy. He drives cars and spouts it.
And I will have a happier Christmas knowing that some people who will never ever sit in a car will be able to sit in an outdoor dunny.
Kerry Crompton, Melbourne, Australia
As what you guys said in the TG show before, the Germans think Britsh children are less important that the Germans did, BMW are always like that.
Since they are producing the New mini, they have broke the rules of what Mini should be act, they made giant useless fat slow hatch and say they are "Mini", that's what the hell they said!!
Timothy , Hong Kong, China
Hmm
The Clubman. My first ever car and a G Reg when I purchased it for £60 back in 77'.
Yes indeed. It was crap. And they say things change, eh?
Steve, Cambridge,
I'm not surprised that the side door opens on the wrong side of the car. Since when has BMW cared about the British market?
After all, Britain is only their 3rd biggest market after Germany and the US.
Buy a Golf GTI. It does everything that the Mini can do and a whole lot more. Spec for spec it would probably be cheaper too.
Darryl Rowe, Naperville, IL, USA
The clubman car is aweful. Mini is starting to look a bit weary on the road now. The practicality offered by much better value supermini's on the road are starting to win over the compromises needed to live with the mini. If this is an effort to close the gap then it falls somewhat short. It was a great drive but I wont have one again its had its day.
tolu, manchester,
I think i read this somewhere in the times
""Oxfam has enlisted the actress Helen Mirren to persuade us that we should pay £50 to give a latrine for Christmas..the charity has also enlisted the actresses Helena Bonham-Carter and the singer Will Young to persuade us that, instead of splashing out on an iPhone or a Nintendo.....
Abul Taher
02 December 2007 The Sunday Times""
I think a long drop bog creates more methane/gas than a mini.. is that right
rwn, muston,
Selling a vehicle with only right side opening doors in a country that drives on the left side of the road is akin to selling only left hand drive in these markets. I guess BMW consider the sales of the Mini Clubman in the UK and other countries who drive on the left will be so low as to not justify the cost of fitting them out correctly for these markets. From my own perspective it is an ugly little vehicle anyway, and spoils completely the concept of the original BRITISH mini.
Trevor Greenwood, Vancouver, Canada
The Clubman is a great car - the fact is it does everything you want and need. So what if the extra door is on the right - its all to do with the fuel tank!! If you do not like it, do what you do with the other minis - move the front seats.
I wonder if Clarkson actually has anything to add to the world except carbon!
Richard, Plymouth,
In the UK, they park facing any direction they feel like.
So, what is the problem with a right opening rear door?
Radford, Detroit, Michigan
Actually in America, thay drove where they bloodywell want to and have o\no thought for their fellow man. Sorry, I mean person.
Ron, Denver, CO
In Germany and America (among others) people drive on the right side of the road.
Joaquin, Duesseldorf, Germany
Well said re. the wheelbase. Now if Land Rover could just get the Defender's emssions below 225 (so red Ken would let me keep one in the congestion zone next year) I'd buy one immediately. Until then a regular mini's still looking tempting.
Redcliffe, London,
Jeremy, enough with the Winterval nonsense - you know very well that the vast majority of these Mail/Sun/Expressian mouth frothes do not stand up to scrutiny and Winterval no less so than the rest. Only one city, once, proposed (but didn't go through with) that it called its Christmas festival "Winterval" and they didn't do it as a sop to Islam but as a misguided sop to the that great, unheard from, uncared for and unrecognised, British "religious" minority - atheists like me. Glad you think the Clubman's an offence; it is - but you and I will still have to share the A429 with those too young or too dull to remember or understand the value and utility of the original.
Cotswoldian, Moreton, UK
Merry Christmas to you and your family too Jeremy. Keep on keeping on mate your the best..
John, Perth, Western Australia
I really like your reviews
mainly because they are so raw, and brutally truthful
Just like life should be
But not many will admit.
Andrew, Vancouver, BC
Thank the lord Jeremy has the courage to criticize all those stupid 'give them a goat' presents, offered to us sinners by our wonderful multinational 'charities'.
Talk about the kings new clothes, perhaps we can all see that these schemes are thought up by focus groups to assuage our fevered consciences, and stop us from buying products that keep us all in work.
One large bloated charity had problems a few years ago with knitted blankets, which when sent to the colonies to keep the poor warm, actually made their blanket makers unemployed and destitute.
killed by kindness! Good on you Jeremy!
Moriarty, torquay, U.K
I can't believe you loved the looks. The mini looks very pretty indeed, but the clubman looks like it was swallowed by a constipated whale and then squeezed out with some discomfort. It's hideous. I can confirm its awful to drive too. My daughter, always the optimist, insisted that I test drive one with her ("just to see what it's like, daddy'), and despite being 19 and thus stupid, not to mention desparately trying to manipulate a less than fond parent, she quickly gave up on the idea when faced with the reality of driving it. It's just ghastly.
Eric, London,
drop the mini clubman into a giant blender and, if you're lucky, it will emerge as a brand new Fiat 500 in pretty Italian sporting blue...
tim, haywards heath,
Thank God for Jeremy.
He has prevented a lot of people from wasting their hard earned cash on buying a bad car.
Joe Mooney, Wymondham, Norfolk
bit strong, eh Jeremy?
tim, gdansk, Poland
Best closing ever.
On a car related note, i once owned the original MR2, and dispite all its good features i couldn't get over the fact that it sat better at 110 then it did at 80. It really can get annoying in a place where speed is limited (aka everywhere)
Nicholas Osoursocks, Saline/Ann Arbor, Mi,USA