Jeremy Clarkson
MPH 2008
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From
March 9, 2008
Fiat 500
No, princess, you may not have my Fiat
If you are a northern businessman whose solutions-system company has just been bought for thirty-thirteen million pounds, there are any number of people on hand with advice on how best to spend all your newly acquired loot. I find, however, that the best person to consult on these matters is the former mustachioed pop star Peter Sarstedt.
Today, Peter fills his time writing songs about global warming, which is rather wearisome, but back in 1969 he wrote the definitive guide on how life should be led if Mammon were suddenly to vomit untold riches into your bank account. It was a song called Where Do You Go to My Lovely?
In it, he explains who should make your clothes, what you should wear in your hair, whose records you should buy, what sort of brandy you should drink and even what you should do if the Aga Khan were to send you a racehorse for Christmas: “keep it, just for fun, for a laugh. Aha-haha”.
Left to your own devices, you may choose to go on your summer vacation somewhere terrible, such as Greece. But if you listen to the wise words of old Pete, you know it should be Juan-les-Pins. Similarly, if you were to buy a bolt hole in Paris, as somewhere to keep your old Rolling Stones records, you might go for an apartment on the rue Saint-Honoré. Pah. Peter says you should be on the Boulevard Saint-Michel. And he’s right.
He even has some sensible advice on where you should be when the snow falls. The travel agent will tell you all about the sheer size of Val d’Isère or the wide-open China Bowl in Vail. He’ll talk about the ski-in, ski-out facilities at the Park Hyatt in Beaver Creek or maybe tempt you with the joys of somewhere small and friendly, such as La Clusaz. Nonsense. You should go, as Peter suggests, with “the others of the jet set” to St Moritz.
St Moritz is the most bonkers town in all of the world. Superficially, it looks like any other ski resort, which means it resembles the outskirts of Warsaw in 1956, but the people: wow. I have never seen so much expensive hair in all my life. Sure, the Russians have more oil in their barnets than you’d find in a Kazakhstan well. And their wives are as orange as the interior of the average Lamborghini. But mostly, the whole place is crammed with people so bewitchingly beautiful that even Keira Knightley would feel like a zoo animal.
Then there are the titles. One chap introduced me to his companion and I’d nearly died of old age by the time he’d finished. “This is Princess di Contessa, di Sant’ Agata, de Baroness, Dowager de Luxembourg, Principessa . . . it went on for about a week. Until he said, “And this is Jeremy Clarkson”, and for the first time in my life I felt about six inches tall.
Mind you, if you set foot in any of the shops, you are made to feel smaller still because it is immediately apparent you are not Bill Gates, which means it’s immediately apparent you cannot afford to buy a single thing they have on offer. It’s all Hermès and Armani. God knows where the locals buy a box of Winalot or some bog roll.
Of course, you can buy a watch. Some even cost as little as £32,000. Mostly, though, they are much more than that because they all have 16 dials, a Swiss midget in the back winding all the cogs, 400 Kohinoors in the bezel, a device that summons an SAS extraction team if you get kidnapped and a facility for converting dollars into euros, which, at the touch of a button, can also convert your business rivals into pig food. Usually, they are bigger than a ride-on lawnmower.
Strangely, however, for what is certainly the watch capital of the world, nobody gets anywhere on time. When someone says they’ll be there at eight, what they mean is: “I will be there either at two in the morning or, more likely, not at all.” Probably this is because the jet set has no real concept of time. They don’t have to catch a plane because they have their own and it’ll wait. They don’t have to be at a meeting in the City at four because they don’t have jobs. They don’t even have to boil an egg, because they have an egg manager. I even met one who employed his own projectionist. And you know what? I loved it. I’ve always been fascinated by the jet set and if I had the chance to come back as anyone, at any time in history, I wouldn’t want to be Warren Beatty on the set of Shampoo in 1975 or even a hippie on the corner of Haight and Ashbury in 1967. Nope. I’d want to be Gianni Agnelli on a Riva speedboat in Juan-les-Pins in 1959.
Back then, easy travel had just become an option for the super-rich, which meant they could breakfast in Turin, lunch in St Tropez, fit in a cocktail in St Moritz and be at the opera in Milan by 10pm. They were making it up as they went along, sorting out the rules that were then enshrined by Peter Sarstedt. But strangely, they never really sorted out what sort of car you should drive. You see the problem in St Moritz today. It’s a mess. One chap turned up in a brand-new Rolls-Royce Phantom drop-head in white, and oh dear – that didn’t work at all. He’d driven it all the way from England and teamed his paintwork with the mountain backdrop. But it looked, I’m afraid, ridiculous.
I had a Mercedes M-class. It had the AMG 6.2 litre V8 under the bonnet, four exhausts and a restrained but good-looking body. I like this car very much but in St Moritz it was wrong as well. Certainly, the four-wheel-drive system was superfluous because this is Switzerland and any snow that falls on the road is immediately arrested.
I noticed that the Russians were partial to the Range Rover in the same way they are partial to onyx television cabinets and that most of the old guard, the ones with Scrabble high-score titles, had normal Vogues. But this struck me as a cop-out. Something they’d done because they couldn’t think of what else to buy.
Every one of the big hotels, the Kulm, the Palace and the Carlton, had an Audi R8 parked outside, among the Maybachs and Phantoms that they use as taxis, but nobody was looking. And that’s because everyone’s attention had been grabbed by a car that fitted into the place more perfectly than even Princess Caroline. The new Fiat 500. They were everywhere and everyone wanted one. There’s been a trend in recent years for bringing back old designs. VW started it when it reintroduced the Beetle; then Ford gave us the new GT, BMW relaunched the Mini and now it’s Fiat’s turn with this homage to its little people’s car from 50 years ago. It’s the most successful comeback of them all.
First of all, it’s cheap. Really cheap. The base, 1.2 litre model I drove when I came home is just £7,900. And that makes it a staggering £3,700 less than the cheapest Mini. It is bigger inside than a Mini too and, best of all, it looks better. It looks fantastic.
The looks are so wonderful, in fact, that you probably won’t care about the drawbacks. But there are a few. The headlights are hopeless, you really can’t see what’s coming from the left at oblique junctions, the engine is defeated by hills, and the ride, thanks to the short wheelbase, is awfully bouncy. Intolerably so, occasionally. This was the genius of the Mini. BMW gave it chic, want-one looks but underneath it was, and is, a proper car. One you can use everywhere, every day. The Fiat, on the other hand, is only an A to B car, and only then if B isn’t too far away.
But, my God, you come away from an experience behind the wheel absolutely loving it. It’s cheeky and nonthreatening without being pathetic. It’s practical without being boring. It’s well priced as well. And there’s something else.
It was born in the backstreets of Naples and, thanks to a burning ambition, it’s shaken off its lowly born tags. Now it’s mixing it with the others of the jet set in St Moritz. Ring any bells?
Vital statistics
Model Fiat 500 1.2 Pop
Engine 1242cc, four cylinders
Power 69bhp @ 5500rpm
Torque 75 lb ft @ 3000rpm
Transmission Five-speed manual
Fuel 55.4mpg (combined cycle)
CO2 119g/km
Acceleration 0-62mph: 12.9sec
Top speed 99mph
Price £7,900
Road tax Band B (£35 per year)
On sale Now
Rating 
Verdict An instant classic
I just got my sport version in back with white race stripes at the side!! I love this car, its not the fastest but its an experience like no other.......and it turns quite a few heads too!! Highly recommended
Matt, Sliema, Malta
Just bought the Sport model. I got all the options and sports wheels, plus the black metallic paint. I love it. I love it. I love it. It's great as it's very economical, cheap, and it's got character, unlike my last car (an 04 BMW 325i). This and the Ford Mondeo are brilliant. Love it.
Will, Sydney, Australia
I got a Fiat 500 just a month ago and i love how it looks and the quirky elements - yes, its a slow-mo up the hills (its only a 1.2) but its easy to park and loads of people have asked me about it and as yet, they're not too common unlike the Nissan's and Mini's :-)
Michelle, Broxburn,
Have just brough a 1.4 sport, and what a car. It's cha cha azure blue with all the chrome finishings, had all the extras and the superguard wax. I've never seen a car get so mujch attention is great. It handles like a dream in and out of sport mode. What a fab little car.
Jay, London,
Just bought a 1.3 Diesel Sport 4 days ago. I PX'd a Toyota Avensis 2.0 ltr D T-Spirit 54 reg towards it.
I had a discussion with my colleagues & it was agreed that they admired my 500 but didn't have the bottle to buy one.
Phallic ism abounds despite the credit crunch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tom, Liverpool, UK
I've always wondered what my first car would be and ever since I saw this car I know what it will be. The Fiat 500!!
Jes, Chelmsford,
I like the look of this little car, but it's a Fiat" fix it again Tony" are they more reliable now? the problem here is the fact that I should buy a French car, and I love my old Focus
Perhaps a new Ford Fiesta pour moi?
Anthony Becker, Nice, France
My first car was an old Fiat 500 which I bought for £30 in 1968. I cried when it fell to pieces and was beyond repair but have hankered after another one ever since. I am now approaching retirement and think this is still the car for me. They are such fun and who cares if they struggle up hills.
Marilyn , Derby, UK
I've seen the 500 in Italy with my very own eyes and "bella" is the word to describe it. Just like the Mini, it's a modern remake of something with rich, classic culture.
But just too bad for me, I'm Singaporean just like Giles is, doesn't justify the price I have to pay!
Garett, Singapore, Singapore
Looks like a great little car and perfect for town driving, which is all i am ever likely to do living in Singapore as i do. Sadly, thanks to some wonderful governement luncay here in Singapore this car costs S$80,000 on the road - that is roughly 30,000 pounds.
Giles, Singapore, Singapore
Looks good from any angle. Pert and petite. If this car was a bottom it would be Kylie Minogue's bottom!
Martin, Brandon, U.K.
i have just bought the new fiat 500 and my god what a stunning little car everywhere i go people ask me questions about it . it attracts more attention than a supermodel. and this is true, i was in a garden centre on friday parked next to a fancy porshe, and what were the public standing round,yes you got it my little fiat 500. love it to bits keep up the good work fiat.
r cameron , kincardine, scotland
Smashingly good time bad time carr,tom.
danielbennettkieneker, Seattle, Washington
The new cinquecento looks great. I've seen my first few today. Will JC be so complementary about the new 2CV when it comes out?
Kevin, Reading, UK
It's about time.......I recall the Fiat when they came out some 45 years ago. They lasted and lasted, and the only reason that they did not "catch on" was the solid worksmanship of the VW Beetle. America has lost its place in honoring this fine little car and our petrol prices are going to force us to begin honoring it and others like it in short time.
Don Thomason, Moses Lake, Washington/USA
I think the Fiat cinque cento ( 500) says it nicely for those with taste who do not need [ or want] to shout money or attention. The car and its owner gets more than enough attention without trying at all.
andre bianchi, lija, malta
Even the "beautiful" people can make a difference, a big difference.Sure there IS something each of can do to help Tibet regain its freedom. Create chaos and catatrophe in the Chinese economy to the point the Chinese simply cannot maintain their armed forces in Tibet, or perhaps anywhere else either. Without firing a single shot each of us across the planet, all 5 Billion of us not under Chinese subjegation, can simply reduce or eliminate purchases of anything "Made in China", or using any service or commodity that pours money into the Chinese war machine. Say, reduce purchases by about US$ 20 per month, each month for many months and years multiplied by 5 Billion. Do the math. The result will be devastating to the Red Chinese government. Multiply the awesome effect by finding out which multinational firms use China as a manufacturing base, and avoid buying their products too.
Tucano Fulano, Big Bear, USA
My big sister was a TV makeup chick and had a cinquecento and I persuaded her to Buy a Steryr Puch 650 TR2---now that was some car.
ralph horn, brisbane , australia
Ahh, the Fiat 500. A mate of my had a red one back in the seventies and at weekends it accommodated four strapping lads and their luggage on the weekly commute from colchester to Harlow Technical College. As for 'Where Do you Go To My Lovely?' I heard it was about Sophia Loren. As a schoolboy, it just about completed my geographical knowledge of France and Italy. He had one more minor hit called 'Frozen Orange Juice' – no doubt the European aristos would add a dash of champagne?
Andrew Gallant, Leicester, UK
Keira Knightley? Bewitchingly beautiful? Come on, Jer, I've picked out more voluptuous forms out of my noodle soup.
eugene, heidelberg, germany
Clarkson is right about Greece. Always pronises so much and delivers so little.
It used to be cheap which excused it- now it isn't.
Merlin, Northamptonshire,
3million British tourists who come here every year probably disagree with you...We may have terrible roads but that does not mean that we are a terrible country...You could avoid referring to Greece,it is very offensive what you said about our country...I will refer that to our Ministry of tourism and maybe they will give you some sort of vacation here for free as you probably have not come here yet...
Tolis Rigas, Thessaloniki,Macedonia, Greece
Jeremy, a friend of mine was boat captain for Agnelli on his yacht Stealth, and he told me that when the boss came down to the boat he always arrived in his Fiat Panda, which he said was his favourite car.
John, Cowes,
I drove all over Italy in a real 500 - a great little car with lots of room inside and as simple (and comfortable) as a lawn mower: after some months I traced a slight misfire to the fact that the carburettor was broken in half.
This new one is just a Panda with less interior space. A car built by marketing men. And a city car with no auto or semi-auto option? The Panda can do better than that.
Grant Thompson, Rome, Italy
Great car coverage, in a true Clarksonian journalism, meaning apersonal view or experience and then about the car, but honest Mr. Clarcson, you could leave the Greece coment out of this article.
If you have not been to Greece for holidays, try it.
If you did and you disliked it, most probably you went to the wrong places.
Pavlos Papadakis, Athens , Greece
The interior looks great but to me (and a number of my friends) the exterior reminds me of a Nissan Micra.
David, Edinburgh, UK
Yet again, it's a front wheel drive cop out.
Phil Bibby, Barrow in Furness, Cumbria
reliability should not be an issue on this, the Fiat 500 is based on the Panda platform which in its class is in the top for reliability. Fiat would be shooting itself in the foot if it got this car wrong, it is the new bread and butter car to keep them profitable for the next few years.
jesse, london, england
I drove a 1.4 Sport a month ago and was knocked by its practicality and personality. It is well built and much more practical than the BMW pastiche of the original Mini. I believe the 500 the true successor to that great car. The BMW may handle like a sports car but for that money you can buy a real sports car that handles even better. Families went on holiday in the original Mini - you are lucky to get back from Tesco with the weekly shop in the BMW. So - if you are BMW mini owner I can see why you might be upset - the 500 is smaller, roomier, much cheaper and yet has more personality. No wonder you may want to have a rant!
Stephen D Anderson, Colchester, Essex
I bet it comes with the usual well deserved Fiat 20/20 Warranty. 20 minutes of the forecourt and 20 yards down the road. Like the French cars it has built in failure written all over it.
Peter Jeffries, Ventnor, Isle of Wight
Does it come in lime green with a pink interior?
Andrew Pearson, lorraine, Quebec
Sophia Loren?
Monty, Swindon,
"Now it’s mixing it with the others of the jet set in St Moritz. Ring any bells?" >> Gianni Agnelli was for a very very long time the owner of FIAT!
Ricky, Antwerp,
Really? I thought it to be a bit cynical, this car. I mean, it seemed to be shouting "Look, I'm retro too, just like the Mini, so call me cool."
It's like Fiat is trying to get into the game too by plastering the 500 badge just everywhere it fit and by inserting a usb-hub (though no iPod connector) and an airfreshener to make it contemporary.
You can even get it with a sports button, but it does nothing for performance (it still feels like a Vespa with the driving position of a camel) and the sheer amount of nonsensical options makes me feel like it's trying to hard.
Besides, Fiat already had a great retro car - the new Panda, which is much more unassuming and much less self-consciously trying to be hip. Way cooler, then, than the 500.
Maarten, Amsterdam, NL
Seventh para - first sentence -
Only in a piece by Mr Clarkson would I immediately think he was referring to those unfortunate mammarily challenged persons.
David Priest, Thermes Magnoac, France
How sad to put a 4-pot 1242 engine in it.
I had 3 of the original 2-pot air-cooled ones, one with a full blown racing conversion, and they were REAL fun. The ability to park nose on to the kerb in a crowded street, and where your cocker spaniel could look out the sun-roof with ease......
And of course nobody would try to steal one!
Doubt I'll buy one of these new-hash ones though.
John, Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia