Jeremy Clarkson
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From The Sunday Times
March 23, 2008
Porsche Cayenne GTS
If you were to find yourself on the fearsome Nürburgring with a pressing reason to complete a lap in about nine minutes, the new Porsche Cayenne GTS would do nicely. It really is extremely fast. Similarly, if you were to become involved in a life or death battle with 50 tons of fire-breathing Challenger tank on the Bovington proving ground, I feel certain that this, the biggest Porsche of them all, would handle the punishment without falling into a million pieces.
However, if – and this seems more likely – you live in London and you want a car that can take five people in comfort, then the GTS is completely hopeless. No, really. It doesn’t work and on top of that, it isn’t welcome.
In the olden days, when I lived in London, many of the more idiotic boroughs erected signs explaining that you were entering a nuclear-free zone. I never knew why this was necessary because, so far as I could tell, these boroughs were also free from dinosaurs and spacemen. So why single out the absence of atom bombs?
Of course, today, dizzy antinuclear campaigners have become eco-mentalists and so, for the most part, the antinuke signs have been replaced with a million new ones which explain that you are entering a low-emission zone. Plainly this isn’t true. The Yorkshire Dales are a low-emission zone. So is the middle of the Sahara desert. But London? I think not.
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Quite apart from the shops and businesses, you have all the low-emission signs that had to be mined, smelted, fashioned, painted and then distributed on every road in every suburb by an army of council vans. Compared with the emissions generated by this huge undertaking, a Porsche Cayenne simply isn’t a problem at all.
But that’s by the by. The city doesn’t want it, you’re going to be made to pay £1,000 a year in road tax and £125 a week if you drive into London, and even if you get there there’ll be the biggest problem of them all. It’s just too big.
Honestly, I took the Cayenne to Wandsworth the other night and it was the most miserable drive of my life. Frankly I’d rather have gone there on my hands and knees.
The streets, with cars parked on either side, are just about wide enough for two small cars to pass. But there are no small cars in Wandsworth. For reasons that are unclear, everyone has a Volvo XC90. This meant I spent half the evening backing up, looking for a parking space in which I could wait while the lady with lovely hair coming the other way squeezed by.
But there are no parking spaces. You hear stories of people not using their cars because they know that when they come home again, they will be unable to park. I can believe it.
Fifteen years ago, I lived in Wandsworth, very briefly, and things were bad. Sometimes I’d have to park in the next street. But now that even more of the already titchy houses have been converted into flats, bringing more people and more cars, and even more people have turned their front lawns into car lots and everyone has an SUV, the situation is simply impossible. Often the nearest parking space is in Oslo.
Eventually, after an hour of reversing out of everyone’s way and being jolted out of my seat by an endless series of speed humps that are completely pointless when nobody ever exceeds 2mph, I did find a spot that was handily located just 16 miles from the party I was attending. But unfortunately, it was exactly 4in smaller than the Cayenne. This meant I had to phone my hosts and explain that I’d try to get there for the coffee and mints.
This must happen to Wandsworthites all the time. And I’m sorry but anyone who buys a huge car knowing it will never fit into a space is certifiably mad. Think how much life you’re wasting by driving round and round the block. Think of all the other things you could be doing instead. And while you’re doing that, we’ll have a think about what can be done.
I’ve always argued that market forces dictate behaviour. That there’s no need for congestion charges and so on because people will take only so much hassle before they’ll leave the car at home and use an alternative. Not the bus obviously; that would be ridiculous. But a scooter perhaps, or a sedan chair carried by four greased Egyptians.
Strangely, however, it seems I’m wrong. Wandsworth went past bursting point years ago but the people there are still buying idiotic cars that won’t fit. I guess image down there is important and that if you don’t have the right hair and the right accent you will be sent to Coventry. Or Tooting as it’s known in those parts.
You can be a convicted fraudster in Wandsworth and still engage with your social group. But you cannot have a Ford Fiesta.
Some might suggest the government should act, but really it is not the job of a state to decide who drives what sort of car. That’s just meddlesome nonsense. I therefore propose that Wandsworth and Clapham commons should be paved and turned into car parks.
One of two things will happen as a result. Either the plan will go ahead and in a stroke the parking problem will be solved. Or there will be such an outcry that everyone will switch to a smaller car, which will make the scheme unnecessary.
If it works there, it could be extended to Hyde and Regent’s parks and then, in the fullness of time, to every green space in every town and city in the land. You tell the people of Harrogate that the Stray is to be turned into a car park and see how long it takes for everyone to change their Volvo XC90 into a Toyota Aygo.
But anyway, back to the GTS. We’ve established that it works on the Nürburgring and on a tank proving ground. We also know that it’s useless in a big and busy city. But what about elsewhere?
In many ways, this car is a bit odd. I mean, the Cayenne was built to be a big, tall off-road car. You pay a premium for that height. And now along comes a version which is £17,000 more than the base model, precisely because it’s not quite so tall.
The one I drove sat on air suspension rather than conventional steel springs. This is an option and not necessarily a good one because air is simply not as good at the job as metal. Try this simple experiment if you don’t believe me.
First of all, jump out of your bedroom window onto a well-sprung mattress. Okay? Good. And now try jumping out of the same window with no mattress at all. Will the air cushion your fall? No. Exactly.
Nevertheless, I massively enjoyed pushing this heavyweight hard. The heaviness of the controls makes you feel like a man, like you could take on the England front row and win. It is a car you drive with your chest pushed out and your tummy sucked in.
What’s more, it doesn’t handle well for an off-roader. It handles well full stop. And it shifts too. The 4.8 litre V8, especially with the sport mode engaged, goes like stink and sounds much as I would imagine Brian Blessed might sound if he fell into a vat of boiling oil. It is the sound of glorious, unabated, wanton consumption. It is the sound of pure, unbridled hedonism. Some have said they can’t see the point of such a car. Why have an off-roader that handles this well, they say. It’s like buying an iron in the hope it can make toast as well. Hmmm. I suspect they might change their minds if they had to make a sudden swerve on the motorway at 70mph.
I’m afraid, however, that while I respect the engineering of the GTS – it’s by far the best of the Cayennes – and I loved driving it, I could never actually buy one because of the way it looks. This really is a car that drowned in Lake Ugly. And to make it even worse, my test car was finished in exactly the same colour as a diseased placenta.
So I still think the Range Rover is a better bet. It doesn’t work half so well on the Nürburgring, it’s just as hopeless in London and I bet it wouldn’t last half as long on a tank proving ground. But at least it doesn’t make you feel sick every time you see it.
Vital statistics
Model Porsche Cayenne GTS
Engine 4806cc, eight cylinders
Power 405bhp @ 6500rpm
Torque 369 lb ft @ 3500rpm
Transmission Six-speed automatic
Fuel CO2 20.3mpg (combined cycle) 332g/km
Acceleration 0-62mph: 6.1sec
Top speed 156mph
Price £54,350
Road tax band G (£400 for a year)
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Verdict Town ain’t big enough for both of us
A mate of mine runs a Cayenne and is always moaning about servicing costs. He lives on a private road where the potholes are like open-cast mines and his expensive 4x4 gets a proper hammering. What's the point in a 4x4 that can't even handle unmade roads?
Mark Hale, London,
For me, the most important part of a car is the part I interface with, then handling & then reliability. Looks aren't THAT important. No wonder I love Porsches! :) Cayennes are damn ugly, no doubt. But no other SUVs look so intimidating in your rear view mirror! Its a powerful, ugly, scary, MONSTER!
Safir, Dhaka, Bangladesh
I was stuck behind a Cayenne on the way to work the other day, could not believe how ugly they are. On top of having to look at it's hideous backside the driver was going below the speed limit in the passing lane.
Ben, Portland, Maine, U.S.
44s are intended for a use they rarly get. Most never see the countryside, andthe only off road use they get is going to the garden centre. Design wise you are paying for tecnology and strength you are never going to use, meaning you are dragging around a ton plus of useless metal. Worst of all is they are not safer, stonger or more stale than a normal car. In factmost SUVs and 44 are unstable, and more dangerous in a crash than their car equivalents. The fact that the children get to sit in th crush zone of the boot makes them an infant death trap.
P. Santamaria, Granada, Spain
"Mind you I drive two cars (a Mitzubishi L200 Animal and a boxter) and Jeremy has put them both in his list of least liked cars, so that shows that one of us has no taste"
I'd actually say it's both of you Giles.
Dominic Hill, Leeds, West Yorkshire
When they start paving over Clapham common, they could just carry on and turn both Clapham and Wandsworth into parking lots (making sure they pave over inhabitants too).
Seems like whole London lives in Clapham and thereabouts and you can not escape Max/Rupert/Will etc droning on about how nice the common is. That is only because you come north of the river to work.
4x4s should be banned in London as they are pointless. If you want to drive into the town, drive something appropriate. It's an old city and it was not built for the traffic we need to cope with now.
Denis, London,
In economics this kind of problem is referred to as the 'tragedy of the commons', though in this case not so common...
Nick, Edinburgh,
Why don't we turn big, brash, opinionated, self-important motoring pundits into food? There'd be enough protein in one Clarkson burger to feed a whole street for a day.
Mike Mitchell, Spalding, England
I never have, and never will, drive a car because I am a Londoner and not a simpleton.
This article represents one of those rare occasions in which I find myself in total agreement with Mr.Clarkson: There's no point having a huge car in Wandsworth, or anywhere else in the Greater Metropolitan Area
People who live in the London suburbs but insist on buying giant 4x4s because they think it makes them look clever would be pitiable if they weren't so very very annoying.
Mikey, Bromley, Kent
maybe paving clapham common is not a great idea, but someone a few years ago invented something called "underground parking"... they should try it underneath the commons, regent park, trafalgar sq, et cetera...
jfn, london, uk
I do not know what Jeremy gets so upset about when contemplating the looks of the Cayenne. It has that 4x4 look that they all have. Although interested in cars, I find them so alike that I cannot be bothered to learn them apart.
Mind you I drive two cars (a Mitzubishi L200 Animal and a boxter) and Jeremy has put them both in his list of least liked cars, so that shows that one of us has no taste
giles gunstone, Nottingham, England
I agree with JC, porsche really have made something with the looks of a Hyundai/Kia. Everything else they have ever built has been gorgeous, I guess the Cayenne is the runt of the litter. At least the VW Tuareg is just bland, but this is and always will be a shocker. Yuk!
Paul H, Nottingham,
I agree with Mr C, the taxing of such cars is only about making them only available to the well-off, whilst destroying the lives of genuine Landy owners and classic car enthusiasts.
mount, dorset, gb
"Strange JC allways prefers British cars"
"Of course. If it's not an English car, it'll never be as good"
Well, Anders of Oslo and Scott of New York, you may be unaware that Jeremy's unkind comments about Rover have often been blamed for contibuting to the downfall of that particular British company.
I don't think anyone can accuse JC of biase towards British manufacturers. He says the Range Rovers are better, because they are. He said Rovers were rubbish, because they were.
Chris Long, Thirsk, England
Strange JC allways prefers British cars. To say that Range Rover is better than Porsche Cayenne is like saying Fifth Gear is better than Top Gear......
Anders, Oslo,
That porsche is indeed very ugly.
All the story about the environment and the big SUV's, but what about all the oldtimers like a Cobra or an E-type and so on. Will people be allowed to driver those old cars in the near future? Clearly they will never meet the new standards so will they be expelled as well?
That would be a shame
Dennis Mooren, Echt, Limburg
Jeremy says, "Strangely, however, it seems I’m wrong". Now this is an admission and it has been a long time in coming. Jeremy, the more intelligent of us know that you are wrong, frequently!
Jeremy goes on to say, "Some might suggest the government should act, but really it is not the job of a state to decide who drives what sort of car". That seems fair enough to me, however, Jeremy follows it up with this statement, "I therefore propose that Wandsworth and Clapham commons should be paved and turned into car parks. Are you saying, Jeremy, that the state may not dictate but Jeremy may dictate?
Indeed, Jeremy does, often, dictate and, often, amuses us with his dictatorial comments. However, too much is still too much.
Make your mind up Jeremy, you are starting to sound like Ken Livingstone!
Marc, Paris,
Regardless of how out of touch the Cayenne may seem, it's a car no manufacturer will be able to sell ten years from now when not only will we being punished by tax, but also mandated by European law to drive something much smaller. We should all dash down the local Porsche dealer right now so we can at least tell the grandchildren what it was like to be at the wheel of something fast and noisy and senseless, because there was a time when those things made you feel better about a car, not worse.
Philip, London, England
My, that's one fugly car.
starling, Lancaster,
On looks, surely the Audi Q7 is uglier and bigger.
Johny, Kings Langley, England
The steering wheel (or "handle" as they say in Korea) is fugly enough to be a deal breaker. If or when I buy a GTS, I'll be sure to fit a boy-racer Momo wheel on mine.
Gregorious, Pattaya, Thailand
Having been round the Porsche Leipzig test track in a Cayenne GTS all I can say is it is a brilliant car and I agree with JC the best Cayenne. Would I buy one? No. Just too big for UK roads
Paul, London,
You tested a Range Rover on a tank testing ground and said it was brilliant!
jim gibson, sale, Manchester
My question is, why would you want to "live" in London, Cayenne or Fiesta notwithstanding?
Mike Jackson, Buderim , Australia
I guess this car was engineered because there are indeed some people buying it. Because they can. Jeremy, to better sell the whole idea of this brilliant German engineering, you should have taken it to Gstad or St Moritz for a skiing trip. Or to the North Yorkshire Moors . . . Maybe I would buy it too, if I could.
Martin, Eaglescliffe, Stockton-on-Tees
You should come to Beijing where you'd find more Porsche Cayenne's per Sq M than Wandsworth, Chelsea or any of our other "need to be seen" UK metropolitan area!
Similarly Audi Q7's, A8's, Mercedes S 500's and ML's. All in abundance!
Range Rover and Jaguar appear to be losers!
With petrol, tax and insurance a fraction of UK costs, makes for running such vehicles an owners dream!
However all these cars are imported and with related duties the "on the road price" is 1.5 to 2 x the cost in the UK!
With the benefit of size and visibility on Beijing's grid locked 2nd, 3rd, 4th & 5th ring roads, you have plenty of time to see the Olympic Stadium and other Olympic Venues and related infrastructure works whilst stationary in the traffic!
The last noticeable point is that these vehicles are not being driven by the "guillo's - foreigners" but by the Chinese from what is becoming even more of a class driven society - of those who have, those who aspire to have and those without!
Martin Weallans, Beijing, PRC
At last, someone who says it openly: The Porsche Cayenne is the ugliest SUVoid ever designed since my 3-yo nephew sketched his own SUV on a napkin. Were it a Japanese model , some designer would at least have the dignity to commit seppuku.
Michael, Athens, Greece
I've just tried jumping out the window with a matress and air and I think jeremy forgot to say "compressed air" that would do the trick. Now I'm off to the doctors!
Chris , london,
With regard to London boroughs declaring themselves nuclear-free zones, the classic was Greenwich. Greenwich spend thousands setting up signs that it was a nuclear-free zone and we all believed it. Interestingly, when the Navy pulled out of the Royal Naval College, some weeks were spent removing a training, but live and decidedly radioactive nuclear reactor from the premises. So much for Greenwich being nuclear free!
John, London, UK
This review will sell a lot of Porsche Cayenne GTSs. Perhaps the sports vehice (not just a "car" for sure) if it's still too good looking could be made a little uglier yet in future models? That would enhance its brute appeal even further... Certainly, I want one after reading Jeremy's account.. However, unfortunately I can't afford it on my meager salary. Parking it would NOT be a problem here in rural Oklahoma. There may be a tank proving ground in Nevada, but that is several states West of here.
Hermann Burchard, Stillwater , Oklahoma
I don't think it's a particularly bad looking car.
Kashy, Sheffield,
I agree with the parking problems Jeremy. Tried to get parked in Richmond the other evening and after half an hour of driving around and around and around ended up in Kingston! Pity any poor person who arrives home a bit late
Mike Jones, Farnborough, Hampshire
Of course. If it's not an English car, it'll never be as good.
Scott VanPala, New York, USA
I usually agree with most of what you say jeremy, but check some specs before you proclaim a cayenne to be huge, its actually shorter than your beloved mondeo so I dont see how parking is really an issue regardless of where you live......
gz, london,
It seems to me that the idea of a Porsche Cayenne GTS is about as silly as automotive silliness gets. Do people really buy these? If so, would an Enzo fitted with 30 inch tires and decent control sell? Is there a Hummer H2 with a sport package and ceramic breaks? Porsche, or anyone for that matter, should offer cars in two model variety packs. For the money one could easily have a solid off roader such as a jeep and a smart and sporty car such as the MX-5 or even a cockster. Ah, but then your parking woes have doubled. I think I see the logic now. Oh well, I need to be hiding Easter eggs now anyway.
Pete, Wilbraham, Massachusetts