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Jeremy Clarkson's greatest flops
Bad cars usually lack one vital ingredient – soul. They’re built by accountants, not a man with a passion
Read reviews of the 25 worst cars Jeremy has driven
The cars you will find on this page do not necessarily cost more than Caribbean islands, they are not unduly thirsty and none has a steering wheel that falls off every day or killer scorpions in the seat fabric.
Some are even quite spacious and practical and mostly they emit very small carbon dioxides. This, of course, makes little difference to the weather but does give you a warm glow of sanctimonious pride at least.
However, I don’t like them and, as often as not, there’s a very good reason for that . . .
It’s not that hard to make a car. You go to a company that makes brakes for the brakes, to a company that makes glass for the windows and to a company that makes seats for the seats. Then you get a subsidy from the Malaysians to clear a bit of jungle, pop up a factory, employ some locals to nail all your pieces together and Bob’s your uncle.
Making a car, then, is like following one of Jamie Oliver’s recipes. You take so many eggs, cook the cress for so long, drizzle so much jus onto the finished product and yum yum, you have a delicious and nutritious dinner for four.
There is, however, a small problem. I have followed many of Jamie’s recipes over the years and I have ended up with something that looks nothing like the incredible creation in the pictures. What’s more, when I serve it to guests, it usually makes them vomit copiously all over the floor.
I’m willing to bet that if Gordon, or Anton, or Marco, or Heston were to follow the same recipe using the same ingredients and the same utensils, the guests would drown in their own dribble long before they’d picked up a knife and fork.
And this is the thing with cars. The new Tata Nano, that 40p commuter runabout launched in India recently, has all the right parts. There are wheels, windscreen wipers, an engine (sort of) and places for people to sit. But do you want one? I don’t. In fact, I’d rather kiss Nicholas Witchell. With tongues.
And it’s not a problem restricted to cheap cars either. Other cars I don’t want include the Mazda2, the Subaru WRX, the BMW 3-series, the Mercedes GL, the Vauxhall Vectra, the Porsche Boxster, anything with a Seat badge, and even the £117,500 Bentley Flying Spur.
The Bentley may tick all the boxes. It may be the fastest four-door saloon car in the world and it may have exquisitely machined heater vent knobs. What’s more, it uses many of the same parts as the Volkswagen Phaeton, a car I like very much indeed. And yet it lacks the vital final ingredient. Call it what you will: flair, élan, passion. It’s not there. It is a car with no soul.
There’s a very good reason for this. Volkswagen made the Continental GT because it wanted to make a good large car. And having done that, at very great expense, the marketing people and the accounts department obviously pointed out that a few more could be sold if a cheaply reengineered saloon version was added to the lineup. The Flying Spur, then, was created not to be brilliant. But as a sop to the economies of scale. It was built to make money. And that never works.
Why do you not lie awake at night yearning for the day when you can own a Hyundai? Simple. Because Hyundais are not made to plunge their hand into your pants. Only to plunge their hands into your bank account. It’s the same story with the Tata Nano, and the Vauxhall Vectra, and the BMW 3-series, and the Mercedes GL. All the cars you don’t like and don’t want were made, like white goods, solely to make money.
As a general rule, Japanese cars have no magic “want one” factor. Except for various Hondas, which do. And it’s no coincidence that Honda was started by one man with an engineering vision while Toyota was started by a committee to make Japan rich. Subarus, for God’s sake, are made by Fuji Heavy Industries.
Ooh, the romance. I’d like to bet the top brass don’t even know they make cars.
Ever wondered why so many people genuinely love Jaguars and why Lexuses are always thought of as being a bit dreary? It’s because Jaguar was started by Sir William Lyons, who had a vision, and Lexus was started in a meeting driven by PowerPoint presentations and accounting principles.
And don’t think that the days of Lyons are over. You need only look at the Bugatti Veyron to know that mad, dream cars are still steamrollering their way through the profit-and-loss accounts. Forced into production by Volkswagen’s boss, Ferdinand Piëch, who wanted to make a car that did 400kph, it costs almost a million quid to buy. But it costs Volkswagen nearly three times that much to make. You can feel this when you drive it. You can even sense it when you turn on the wipers, because you’re using a stalk that cost £4,000. Very nearly as much as an entire Perodua Kelisa.
Other modern cars that still have soul where you’d expect to find nothing but expense are the Mercedes CLS, that swooping four-door coupé-lookalike that seems to have no place at all in a lineup built on granite and common sense. So what’s it doing there?
Simple. A Mercedes designer was doodling away one night wondering what a Jaguar might look like if Mercedes were to make such a thing. His boss saw it and the rest is history.
Then there’s the Golf GTI. Created back in the late 1970s by a small team of enthusiasts who were fiddling about putting big engines into little cars, it was ruined over the years by the marketing department who thought that a good badge would act like yummy gravy if poured over a poor car. But then, with the new one, they asked the engineers to break out their slide rules, and put the magic back. The result is a fantastic car.
What fascinates me about this simple principle most of all, though, is that sometimes soul can be like chilli sauce. Pour enough over the mix and it’ll mask the fact that underneath you’re driving around in the automotive equivalent of two dead rats.
This brings me on to the Ford Mustang. It’s a terrible car. Bouncy, underbraked, nowhere near as fast as it should be and equipped with a live rear axle. Something that went out of fashion at about the same time as the Bailey bridge.
Ford argued that it had fitted museum technology because that’s what America’s drag-racing fraternity had asked for. I see, so you wreck a car’s handling and ride simply to keep half a dozen fat men in Kentucky happy. Sure, I believe you. And the decision had nothing to do with the fact that live axles cost 4p whereas more modern alternatives don’t.
Anyway. None of this matters, because whenever I see a Mustang I’m filled with a sometimes uncontrollable urge to buy one. I know the stripes are silly, I know the wheels are slightly wider than is strictly necessary and I realise the big bulge on the bonnet is as laughable as the hosepipe attachment Robert Plant used to sport in his pants.
I’m also aware that the seats are made from UHT leather, that the dash is made from materials that Lego would reject, that it can be beaten off the lights by a Golf (cart) and that in England such a car would mark me out as someone who in pubs says, “I’ll take a Bud,” because secretly I want to be American.
And yet the feeling persists. Maybe it’s the badge and all that Bullitt nonsense. Maybe it’s the style. It is a good-looking car. But mostly it’s the fact it’s the only Ford made today with rear-wheel drive. That shows that beneath all the rubbish it was designed by someone who cares.
In every way, it’s worse than a dull-as-ditchwater Kia Rio. But because it was plainly created by an enthusiast it has a heart and a soul. That’s why I’d buy a Mustang and why, even if my dog’s life depended on it, I wouldn’t buy a Rio.
So, hopefully, when you read this round-up of the cars I’ve liked least since 2003 you’ll see the thing they have in common – or rather the thing they haven’t got.
We list the specification and price that applied on the date of Clarkson’s original review for each car and indicate whether a model has been discontinued. Current prices are correct at time of going to press (source Newspress). The fuel consumption figures are based on the combined urban and extra urban cycle
To Peter Hayes,
You're correct. Almost.
They will fall att the same speed if you ignore air-resistance. The force that pulls the you down are equal.
So in a room with no air your theory are right, but not in reality. Its like saying: i could be pretty if it just werent for the fact that im not.
Fredrik Andersson, Skellefteå, Sweden
By the way Jez, mate, Ford and Holden Australia has been making RWD cars for 80+ and 60+ years repectivly and still do with the new Falcon & Commodore Family and various GT's and sport variants. I think Ford and GMH are the only major Auto makers that has a large majority of it's product set as RWH.
Stuart Harrod, London, UK
The American GTO... a gutted Holden. "GTO badging on a car and it'll sell - our market research proves it". Good work Bob Lutz?
No.
Go home Bob.
Rethink your life.
The Aussie Holden, same basic car - but RWD, overpowered, and built with passion... and I'd rather buy it than eat next month!
Clint Delisle, Calgary, Canada
A common error -- thin people would fall from a tower block just as quickly as a fat person. Gravity applying equally to both.
Peter Hayes, York, England
It's amazing, isn't it? I respect JC's opinion on most things - except most cars!
Diesel may be the fuel of Satan, but successive governments have made it a no-brainer for the company car driver.
So Jezza wouldn't consider a SEAT, but loves the Golf GTI? Better not mention the Leon FR then!
I notice that there are no "cheap" cars in his "best of" list. Sadly, most of us live in the real world where cost is an issue.
I do agree on the BMW 3 though!
Robbo, Reading, UK
For years, the motoring press, and other biggots, have slammed mercilessly into Japanese cars.
Why? Having owned more than a few in my time, I can categorically state that they all have a purpose (with the exception of the truly dreadful Nissan Cherry), and many have...yes, I'll say it...soul too!
Drive a Honda S2000, a Mitsubishi Evo, a Mazda MX-5, a Honda NSX, a Nissan 300ZX, and a myriad more, and tell me that you don't enjoy it.
No, what it all comes down to is purely badge snobbery.
"Ah,but they don't have the lineage/ heritage". What tosh!
As Richard Hammond said, not so long ago, whilst test driving the new MX-5, that with the thrill and exhileration that this car offers, why pay 2-3 as much for a Porsche (and this coming from a man who is both an owner of, and is passionate about Porsche's).
And the work-a-day Jap cars?
Show me a British or European car that will cover 264,000 miles, hassle free, and I'll listen.
No? My old Nissan Sunny 1.5 from the '80's did!
Graham Kidd, Salisbury, Wiltshire
I strongly disagree with Jeremy Clarkson's comments on the Honda. Not only do they exude dreariness and have bodies designed for your 90-year-old, nerdy retired accountant who's lived in the same neigbourhood for the past 50 years but are also sterile on the inside--you use it to get from point A to point B but that's about it--there's no passion, no handling, nothing.
As for Lexuses, Jeremy Clarkson probably doesn't possess the sensitivity to appreciate the Altezza with its subtle combination of practicality, excellent handling and sensuality.
JT, Ipoh, Malaysia
My wife's former Honda CRV was one which was competent but solless. The Toyota RAV4 is one I would normally not even glance at, except here in Sudan it is the envy of everyone I meet. My Land Rover Defender had soul and was extremely capable within defined limits. Our two BMW3 series were awful in every way. My Fiat 2.0 turbo coupe was an under-rated marvel. Most 4 door saloons from hire fleets lack soul or anything. The VW Jetta should be outlawed. The Audi A4 convertible should be a design icon. Soul and passion has it over form and function every time. But to combine all three, buy a Range Rover diesel.
benjamyn999, Lincolnshire and Juba, UK and Sudan
Jeremy, come to Australia one day, and you'll find that Ford still do make another rear-wheel drive car made by those who care. The Ford Falcon.
Take the XR8, or one of the FPV versions for a spin, and while they certainly aren't perfect, (far from in some respects) they are honest.
Sir Osis, Liver, NSW Australia
I disagree with the Toyota comments.
Jeremy you are forgetting about the Toyota Supra line from 82-98.
I drove a MKII '84 Supra with a I6 and rwd that was a blast but nothing compared to the MKIII '87 I drove which had 450bhp, a monster 3.0L with a GT45 turbo, also rwd and slow off the line but almost unstoppable at top speed.
Supra's are my favorite make of car, and there is even the famous white '96 out there that has 1500bhp on a stock frame, but has a turbo that you could stick you head in.
Don't knock all Japanese cars ;-)
CK, Rochester, NY
Japanese cars, no doubt haven't been the most inspiring, but it did offer the romance of travel, spirit of motorsport competition at a great value and for that I think it should be respected in a different way.
Shingming, singapore,
Thats one good thing about our American Cars.
They have a soul unlike those Korean cars made simply just
to make money.Even if a bunch of our cars are bad at least
they have Character.Also I've never liked anything from Asia
their stuff just has a sense of cheapness to it, and yes i know
We need to stop making these cheap interiors as well.
Thats all,
Eric, Denver,
Colorado
Eric, Denver, U.S.A.
I'd agree with the take on Toyotas. Transportation appliances for people who do not like cars. Sort of makes me sad, since I have a couple of 'yotas from back when they made interesting cars. I have a 73 Celica, 91 MR2 and a 69 Corona. The cars now being sold at Toyota dealers are just better engineered Kias with better resale value.
That being said, Honda hasn't quite flat-lined...there's still the s2000 and an Si version of the Civic.
Cheers,
Rob
Boulder, CO
Rob, Boulder, USA
CORRECTION; The australian Ford Falcon is real wheel drive.
steve, geelong, australia
that Jaguar looks like a Volvo
g sheldon, virginia, usa
The trouble is that whle these are mainly a set of drippy, dire cars some punters' favourites have hidden horrors.
Take the Ford Focus. A benchmark hatchback with a terrible instrumentation fault showing up time and again. Google 'Driving Passion' and see what that site's appeal for Focus faults threw up. And no answer from Ford.
steve orme, Liverpool, UK
Ford Mustang GT is NOT as bad as some (or quit many) people would suggest. Of cause its not a bmw with its genius engines or Mercedes with its elegance and reliability. But its rear weel drive which makes it funnier than Jim Carrey. And GOD - Just take a look at it. its a matter of taste - but as i am getting ready to use some of my banks money on that Mustang GT ive been talking to about 20 girls (with good looks of cause - Im from Denmark) about the looks - and they have all asked for the first drive in it - naturally with my feet on the gaspedal. I also showed them the other three cars i was thinking about: The Chrysler 300 C, BMW 535 D, Mercedes E 320 CDI and they ranked them after looks: Mustang, Chrysler, Mercedes and then BMW - The opposite of what you would choose if you where on a track or listed the technology etc.
But the soul behind the Mustang is just right up there.. and I am quit sure that I will not regret my choise when i start the V8 up the first time.
William, Copenhagen, Denmark
Come on Jezza, how can you mention soul and not mention Alfa? Or do we just take that as read...?
Ian, York,
@Albert, maybe Jeremy knows something about the future of the "mighty" Falcon. So mighty it's sales fell by almost 20% last year. In a year that Australians bought more cars than ever before.
Liam, Melbourne,
Hi jeremy
nice and accurate comments about the mustang chief engineer is a relative of mine who ´loves rear wheel drive, but he thinks it is crap also by the way the 6 cylinder is faster then the V8. Same relative is now working for ford UK maybe something good will come soon
Mike Behrend, London, UK
Soul ??? You drive a Gallardo ... an Audi TT with a big engine and no brakes and def no soul ... isnt the F430 just so much better ? But you cant buy one of those because they dont like you in Modena
Harry, London SW2, UK
OK, OK, what's the deal with Seat's? Why would you buy a 2004 Audi S3 or Golf GTi when you could have a Seat Leon Cupra R? Badge snobbery aside I can't think of a reason. It is a great looking car, goes pretty quickly and you get an awful lot of change to pay for your £1.50/litre fuel. I won't try and defend the rest of the models...
Hugo, Alderton, Wiltshire
Fantastic.
You think about cars as I think about music.
Paulo, Curitiba, Brasil
Oh God a Mustang. I meet someone like you once a European newly arrived in Canada. Tall lumbering type no finesse what so ever. Thought the only car worth having was a 40' long caddy. Of course it really was because he wanted to be an authentic American and thought that all it takes is the right car.
You wanna talk about no soul, well their's your Mustang for you, ugly, poorly conceived at every level imaginable and not even fun to drive (Driving means turning corners not just pointing it straight down your typical N.A. highway). So please by all means buy one and live your dream. Yeah a nightmare is more likely.
Marc St.Claire, Hamilton, Canada
Hello Jeremy ,
I've read all your reviews and I must say, I'm a huge fan!
You're probably not going to read this but a 3-series is one of the only cars in it's class except for the 159 that has got a real caracter. It's got rear wheel drive, a perfect weightdistribution, great powerfull engines, and all buttons are on places where THEY want to put it and not the customer. Over years many manufacturers got rid of rwd and only build fwd, comfort has grown to something more important than cheer driving pleasure. If a 3series is a white good, can you then please tell me what we should think about an Audi A4 or even worse.. lamborghini Gallardo?
Anyway, I think you're great! keep on going
Sebastian, Brussels,
... and there's the good (bad?) old Crown Victoria. Yes, in order to stop at a traffic light on Monday you should make plans to hit the brakes on the Wednesday before. Yes, it's built according to the blueprints of the horse-drawn wagons that were in fashion around when Lincoln was assassinated. And yes, Ford thought it would be cheaper to fit someone's used couch for front seats, but give me a Crown Vic crashing and tumbling over in any movie, and that'll make my day.
Shady N. Janzeir, Jeddah, Saudi Arabia
Hi jeremy,
dear oh dear, as a motoring guru you should know that Ford makes the mighty Falcon with rear wheel drive. Once Top Gear Australia hits the small screen you'll hear all about it, i'm sure.
Albert Elzinga, Tweed Heads , Australia