Michael Wylie-Harris
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For the last few years one compound noun has defined the lives of web-surfing socialites everywhere: MySpace
It's like crystal meth for middle class kids. A billion dollar, trans-Atlantic phenomenon; it’s become the means of social expression for a generation.
Consider the scope MySpace has given to the average computer nerd’s socialising, or as MySpace would have it, “networking, dating, serious relationships, friends”. What’s so fascinating is the unique opportunity it suddenly gave the masses for self-promotion by presenting us with a template upon which to project our very own social CV.
Across the globe, fat people shed their bulk by tinkering with the medium of headshots, music geeks compete by listing their “fave bands” and spotty film buffs search tirelessly for impressive new flicks no one had ever heard of to decorate their “movies” section.
Nowadays most people have shagged someone they’ve met on MySpace. It’s become a new form of social etiquette. So often now, phone numbers are not even exchanged, it’s all about “What‘s your URL?" For this reason, certain rules have emerged. Certain guidelines to which you must apply in order to appear hip on “The Space.”
Observe…
Photos:
MySpace has been responsible for more misleading photos than a Kentucky Fried Chicken menu board. This has allowed desperate, fat people all over Britain to meet and have awkward sex in the dark.
Photos on MySpace must always appear as though the subject was entirely unaware they were being captured on film, even when the camera is held at arm’s length and the subject is clearly taking it themselves. So, always look in the other direction. And if you’re ginger, use black and white.
Personal Tastes:
It is an absolute crime for any scenester to omit The Fall or Joy Division from the Music section of their MySpace site. Even if you’re only knowledge of The Fall is that John Peel quite liked them and the only Joy Division song you really listen to on your best of double CD is Love Will Tear Us Apart. Oh, and avoid Toploader.
In terms of film, eighties trash (Lost Boys/Heathers/Weird Science) are an absolute must, but should always be subtly juxtaposed alongside obscure foreign cinema from the seventies (think Belle Du Jour). Kevin Smith is forbidden.
Books must be Beat (Donleavy, Kerouac, Burrows) and Personal Heroes must always be tongue in cheek. Noel Edmonds, Michael Barrymore and Terry Nutkins always go down well here for guaranteed hilarity.
Comments:
Comments are public. It is therefore of the utmost importance that they create the illusion of popularity and rock ‘n roll excess. Note : no capitals and irritating overuse of punctuation:
“what you doing friday??? come to camden, my band’s playing at proud then might be going to this after party at some warehouse in hackney somewhere. got so hammered last night!!! laters…”
Basic Information:
In an attractively self-deprecating quip on how little money you earn, state your salary as £250,000 a year. If you’re single, put “swinger” or “divorced,” to avoid looking desperate. Everything in this section must be strictly tongue in cheek. You don’t want to look like you’re trying to sell yourself.
So them’s the rules for MySpacing. Abide by them and you’re sure to have loads of “friends.” All that’s left now is to check out “Deathspace." It’s people that were on MySpace but are now dead. Hilarious.
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This made me cry with laughter, so utterly correct... Hilarious!
Lauren-Joy, London,
hahha despite being a devout myspacian i have to say all this is so true. It's all about the myspace 'angles' when taking pictures. I knew that myspace had become an addiction when I'd see someone walking down the road and realise that i recognised them from their myspace. oh dear. i need to get out more.
Myspace addict, UK,
Great article.
100% truth about myspace.
People who found it offensive should lighten up.
It's very easy to jump on the moral highground band wagon and tell people off for making a comment the slightest bit offensive to anyone. take a day off...
You'll probably find that most people with ginger hair who read that comment found it funny.
cheer up people.
Oli, Glasgow, Scotland
wow, interesting. I mainly use myspace for music... the deathspace is quite scary. looks like a lot of car accident are majority cause of death. Myspace is so popular these days and it seems like everyone has one account.
Johnny Smith, The Dead Zone,
This article almost shames me. It's so true.
I think what's funny about Deathspace is its existence rather than its content. "There's life after MySpace." That is hilarious.
When writing about MySpace you can't be serious. The site is a haven for pretentious, "serious", and "depressed" teenagers who are desperate to portray a life different to the one they are living.
Megan, Bristol,
'Even if youre only knowledge of The Fall is that John Peel quite liked them'
For once and all, grammar is not over-rated!
Ellie, Bristol,
I like how the times is not only discriminating against ginger people, but "fat" people too. So classy!
Did you ever write an article about how bullying should be stopped? Now that would be "hilarious".
Though why on earth did I think I could expect more from a right wing paper anyway?
Hitler would be so proud....
sarah, cornwall,
ha tipical times readers comments makes me laugh!
notsoposh, Derby,
'Impressed but disgusted', are you familiar with the concept of sarcasm?
Zee, London,
Great article...very funny. Sadly runied by the deathspace bit tho.
"Hilarious"??? Yes, indeed, it is "hilarious" to find out about how young people died, and to have it publicly displayed along with their personal pages.
I was personally disgusted by it. What ever happened to common decency and respect?
I expected more from The Times.
Impressed but disgusted, London,
I thought deathspace was awesome.
Nothing betteer than celebrate the people who don't make it.
Nice line on the pics, only you forgot to mention the important character clues given by shots of particular body parts.....
stu, southampton,
ginger is not a race jim....
aine, eire,
I agree with Matthew.
...and what's wrong with being ginger on ur photos?!
Stephanie, Hull,
"And if youre ginger, use black and white."
Ah, casual racism from the times, brilliant stuff.
Jim, London,
What WOULD be funny is a site dedicated to myspace related deaths. They might not have much to fill it up. Yet.
Tim, Aylesbury, UK
As soon as a finished reading this, I went on Myspace. A mere mention of the word forces me to check for comments.
It is a shame.
I have walls of great books surrounding me, and right now, I'm choosing to stay on-line.
Philip, London, UK
I think the deathspace is actually quite sick. Although, sadly, all the things the article said about myspace are sadly true; black and white photos, check; looking the other way, check; tongue in cheek comments, check.
Oh dear.
Ashamed myspace user, London,
People who classify themselves as "Swinger" or "Divorced" on myspace are never single. They've always got partners but they're trying to hide it.
Deathspace is very postmodern. And yes tragic too.
Elizabeth Curran, London,
Guys, I think the Hilarious comment was to be taken tongue in cheek....
Try viewing things from more than one perspective before you cast judgement.
If the world had less people like you.......
Peter Barnswaight, London, UK.
DeathSpace, now i've seen everything.. sorry but i think it's hilarious .. especially the "Submit Death" button LOL.. gotta keep a sense of humor about ya...
Josh, New York, NY/USA
I've got to say I agree with the previous post, I found Deathspace most distasteful, and as far removed from 'hilarious' as is possible to be.
Young lives wiped out by tragic accidents is just that, tragic!
Nick Yeomans, Manchester, UK
"All thats left now is to check out Deathspace." Its people that were on MySpace but are now dead. Hilarious."
you find dead kids funny? i find it a waste of life.
try adding an ounce of moral fibre to your articles
matthew Boyd, Wilmslow, UK/Cheshire