For the last few years one compound noun has defined the lives of web-surfing socialites everywhere: MySpace

It's like crystal meth for middle class kids. A billion dollar, trans-Atlantic phenomenon; it’s become the means of social expression for a generation.

Consider the scope MySpace has given to the average computer nerd’s socialising, or as MySpace would have it, “networking, dating, serious relationships, friends”. What’s so fascinating is the unique opportunity it suddenly gave the masses for self-promotion by presenting us with a template upon which to project our very own social CV.

Across the globe, fat people shed their bulk by tinkering with the medium of headshots, music geeks compete by listing their “fave bands” and spotty film buffs search tirelessly for impressive new flicks no one had ever heard of to decorate their “movies” section.

Nowadays most people have shagged someone they’ve met on MySpace. It’s become a new form of social etiquette. So often now, phone numbers are not even exchanged, it’s all about “What‘s your URL?" For this reason, certain rules have emerged. Certain guidelines to which you must apply in order to appear hip on “The Space.”

Observe…

Photos:

MySpace has been responsible for more misleading photos than a Kentucky Fried Chicken menu board. This has allowed desperate, fat people all over Britain to meet and have awkward sex in the dark.

Photos on MySpace must always appear as though the subject was entirely unaware they were being captured on film, even when the camera is held at arm’s length and the subject is clearly taking it themselves. So, always look in the other direction. And if you’re ginger, use black and white.

Personal Tastes:

It is an absolute crime for any scenester to omit The Fall or Joy Division from the Music section of their MySpace site. Even if you’re only knowledge of The Fall is that John Peel quite liked them and the only Joy Division song you really listen to on your best of double CD is Love Will Tear Us Apart. Oh, and avoid Toploader.

In terms of film, eighties trash (Lost Boys/Heathers/Weird Science) are an absolute must, but should always be subtly juxtaposed alongside obscure foreign cinema from the seventies (think Belle Du Jour). Kevin Smith is forbidden.

Books must be Beat (Donleavy, Kerouac, Burrows) and Personal Heroes must always be tongue in cheek. Noel Edmonds, Michael Barrymore and Terry Nutkins always go down well here for guaranteed hilarity.

Comments:

Comments are public. It is therefore of the utmost importance that they create the illusion of popularity and rock ‘n roll excess. Note : no capitals and irritating overuse of punctuation:

“what you doing friday??? come to camden, my band’s playing at proud then might be going to this after party at some warehouse in hackney somewhere. got so hammered last night!!! laters…”

Basic Information:

In an attractively self-deprecating quip on how little money you earn, state your salary as £250,000 a year. If you’re single, put “swinger” or “divorced,” to avoid looking desperate. Everything in this section must be strictly tongue in cheek. You don’t want to look like you’re trying to sell yourself.

So them’s the rules for MySpacing. Abide by them and you’re sure to have loads of “friends.” All that’s left now is to check out “Deathspace." It’s people that were on MySpace but are now dead. Hilarious.

Michael Wylie - Harris

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