Fear of Fanny

There are few parts of a beast that one can imagine Gordon Ramsay turning up his nose at, but no doubt at all as to which is his favourite.

For years now, he has been grading others in print and on air on the size of their testicles (massive ones equal superior cooking ability, you see), and he recently announced that he would never open a restaurant in Norway, after his own equipment suffered shrinkage because of the cold. When he is not insisting on the importance of balls, he is busy lopping them off: I seem to remember Dermot O’Leary being forced to chew his way through the genitalia of several different species for Ramsay’s entertainment.

The testicle-worship reached new heights in the first episode of the new series of The F Word on Channel 4, when Ramsay cupped a ram’s fearsome equipment, then gave his hands a good sniff. (Perhaps he was just hoping to recruit it as a sous-chef.)

Naturally, with huge nuts a prerequisite for culinary success, Ramsay is not a great admirer of women in the kitchen (except in his own home, of course). Two years ago, pans were flung after he announced that women were kitchen cheats who relied on ready meals. He also thinks that female chefs are incapable of working for one week out of every four.

Now, though, having turned The F Word into a boys-only club, the food equivalent of Top Gear, he is hoping to dilute the testosterone with his charming new “Find me a Fanny” campaign, to recruit a woman chef for her own spot on the programme.

What a shame Fanny Cradock, with her balls of steel, is no longer with us. She would have had Ramsay dressed in a frilly apron and doing her chopping before he knew what had hit him.

Monkey magic

Not all ready meals are equal. If you want the superior kind, look no further than Kitchen Monkey. The founder, Jake Karia, previously supplied Fortnum & Mason and Harrods, and the handmade dishes on offer include pork and duck cassoulet, butternut squash coconut curry and a fabulous Moroccan lamb tagine. There are also salt, sugar- and preservative-free children’s meals.

Delivered frozen within 48 hours, from £2.50; www.kitchenmonkey.co.uk

Take 3 ingredients

Simon Garbutt, head chef at the Feathers, suggests an entrée of seared Scottish scallops, watercress and salsify.

Serves 4

10 king scallops
1 salsify root
1 bunch of watercress

Take a sharp knife, cut each scallop in half and set aside. Peel the salsify, remove the eyes and wash well. Slice thinly, lengthways, then blanch in a pan of boiling, salted water untilal dente. Quickly refresh and leave to cool.

Heat a nonstick frying pan over a high heat. Pour a small amount of olive oil over each piece of scallop, then grind over some salt and pepper. When the pan is very hot, sear the scallops lightly on each side (one minute or so). In another pan, sauté the salsify in olive oil until golden. To serve, place the salsify down the centre of each plate, put the scallops on top and scatter over the watercress.

The Feathers, Market Street, Woodstock, Oxfordshire; 01993 812291

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