I don’t remember the last time I went to a “dinner party” - by which I mean frills and fuss and pomp. I can’t say that I’m too sad about it. Like pineapple-and -cheese on sticks, avocado mousse and all things in aspic, the formal dinner party seems a relic of former generations.

Yet we are cooking for our friends more than ever. A recent ICM poll suggests that three times as many Britons would rather cook a meal for friends on a Saturday night than choose to go out on the town. We have even earned our own acronym from the marketeers, who call us Shefs: Stay at Home and Entertain Friends.

In truth, we are simply reclaiming the informal eating habits of our past. While people have always entertained lavishly, the most sought-after invitation in early Victorian times was to “share a piece of mutton” at the family table – in effect, the kitchen supper. We’ve finally come full circle.

But we’re doing it differently. This is undoubtedly much to do with the current generation of chefs and cookery writers – Jamie, Rick, Nigella (like movie stars, they need only one name) – who have broken down the formality of cooking for others and made it seem, not just possible, but appealing and easy.

We no longer have the time or energy to fuss about multiple courses and complicated table arrangements. In our increasingly disclocated and digital lives, entertaining has become much more about the gathering of people rather than the display of wealth and social connections. But there’s no question that how you cook and entertain in your home reflects your character – like having children, it exposes the true self.

However beautiful your bedroom, successful your career and energetic your workout, it’s your cooking that will reveal the sergeant-major, angel or slob within.

There are people who need to control all aspects of their environment and consequently obsess over every detail, and others who will arrive home, shopping bags in hand, at the same time as their guests arrive, then happily set about putting together a meal while sharing a bottle of wine and a catchup. The truth is that we do everything in slight approximation. We’ve learnt to accept that “good enough” rather than “perfect” means that we can run homes, look OK, eat well, enjoy our kids and still get out the Le Creusets from time to time.

It’s all about keeping things in perspective, knowing what you’re best at and focusing your energy in the right place.

Crucially, it doesn’t matter what kind of host you are: the important thing is to be aware of your particular modus operandi and have confidence in that. Here, I categorise the four main types of host as I see them. Whichever one you fall into, I encourage you to be aware of your weaknesses and focus on your strengths.

For all types of host, beware: the only real danger is pretending to be something that you’re not. If you’re somewhat chaotic by nature, don’t risk disaster by attempting tricky sauces or pastry. If you are having to juggle work and children, then just accept that this is not the time of your life to be tackling intricate pudding recipes.

If you’re chaotic and disorganised, don’t cook anything too precise, such as sauces or pastry – they just won’t turn out.

Similarly, if you’re juggling work and children, don’t take on too much – it simply doesn’t matter that this isn’t the time in your life to be executing intricate puddings. Cooking for friends isn’t about showing off.

Our generation has grown up alongside a great revolution in cooking and ingredients. It’s part of our lives and hopefully is here to stay. A sow’s ear doesn’t have to be a silk purse any more – it can be deep-fried and served instead of crisps. Enjoy.

Hostess with the mostest

Checklist

— You have time to take a bath and do your make-up
— You keep a store of scented candles
— You make playlists for all occasions
— You have an account at the florist’s
— You label and stack everything neatly in the freezer
— You hire extra help for the next day

What to watch out for

It’s great that you’re so organised – lucky you. Being well prepared is certainly one way to make it all run smoothly. But don’t forget that it’s not a competition, and that domestic perfection can seem cold, daunting and a little neurotic.

Lose a little of the Stepford wife (stilettos are really not required) and you’ll find that guests will be more relaxed. It will be more like a real home and thus your guests will settle into the evening and you will all have a better time.

Build on your strengths

As you’re good at planning ahead, you can enjoy cooking methods such as marinating or pie-making that last-minute cooks won’t be able to attempt. Stick to hearty, rustic food with fantastic flavours – your guests will be united in sharing something seemingly simple, yet impressed by how delicious it is. Go for it with your pudding: few but the most organised of us really have time to bake, yet a homemade tart is one of life’s great pleasures. You could take a few chances on your mix of people, too.

Chaotic bachelor

Checklist

— You always have one chair too few
— You overshop for food, not clear what will go with what
— You often find yourself eating burnt or cold food
— You feel pathetic gratitude for the invention of ready meals
— You believe that most things are solved by crisps and ice-cream
— You spend three times more on wine than on food

What to watch out for

You’re right that successful hosting isn’t about immaculate presentation. At the same time, as a guest it can be uncomfortable if it seems as if your host isn’t really expecting you, so try to get something done in advance of your guests’ arrival, even if it’s just putting out some nuts and olives. Avoid buying everything ready-made: it’s worth getting one or two really simple dishes down to a fine art, so you can do the shopping and cooking without thinking twice about it.

Build on your strengths

You probably have great parties because you enjoy yourself as much as your guests do. You have an instinct for people, so think hard about who to invite: a great evening is as much about the chemistry between the guests as it is about anything else. Creating an atmosphere that’s conducive to fun will make up for much of the chaos, so keep a small store of tricks up your sleeve, be they interesting cocktail ingredients, fairy lights or great music.

Hassled parent

Checklist

— You hide toys in the washing machine in a bid to tidy up
— You serve puréed vegetables more often than you mean to
— You find that Annabel Carmel’s recipes are fine for grown-ups, too
— You put candles out of harm’s way
— You gratefully down three glasses of wine without coming up for air
— You wish that you’d had time to wash your hair

What to watch out for

You hero, you’re still having people over. Good for you. Don’t take on too much – stick to smaller gatherings that will be easier to to cater for. It’s hard for you to pop out for forgotten ingredients, so keeping a good store cupboard will help.

Don’t be afraid to ask guests to pick up anything that you need on their way, or to contribute wine or even a course (as long as you have discussed it in advance). Everyone knows what you are up against, particularly with small children.

Build on your strengths

Don’t complicate things by attempting food that you’re not completely familiar with. Real, family cooking will fit more easily into your routine – and who doesn’t love roast chicken anyway? It can sit and crackle away while you do bath and bedtime. As for the house, flowering plants and potted herbs will be easier to manage than cut flowers, and dimming overhead lights will ease the pressure of having to get the place completely in order. It’s OK to be a parent first and a host second

Natural host

Checklist

— You have an instinctive sense of when pasta is al dente
— You know where to find unpasteurised cream
— You don’t give a fig for matching dinnerware
— You remember when the farmer’s market is on
— You have dimmer switches on all your lights
— You serve wine in huge glasses

What to watch out for

It sounds as if you have an instinctive understanding of how to find the balance between great food and making people feel comfortable. But don’t be smug – not everyone can get organic eggs from her friend’s chickens, or knows the difference between parmesan and pecorino.

Build on your strengths

As you know, the key is to allow your home to feel like just that – a real home, rather than a magazine shoot. You’re not afraid to show people your failings: yes, you may forget the bread from time to time or not have tidied up properly, but it makes people feel familiar and relaxed. Your strength is being able to anticipate people’s needs and wants. You’ll probably have time to add the occasional extra, such as homemade chocolate truffles (surprisingly easy and rewarding, too). You can afford to take chances with your food: if anyone can pull off flambéed crêpes, you can.

— How to Feed Your Friends with Relish by Joanna Weinberg, Bloomsbury, £20

Explore Food & Drink

• Gordon Ramsay

• Heston Blumenthal

• Recipes

• Wine

• Real Food

• Drinks

• Anjum Anand

• Eating Out

• Video Recipes

Times Recommends

• Britain's Top 20 seaside fish and chip shops
• Ice cream makers: the scoop of the century
• British berries make super sorbets