Your servers...

Amanda: 18 years' experience in London restaurants. Now owner-manager of her own.

Lola: Eight years of waitressing in members' clubs, restaurants and cocktail bars.

Jane: Has waited on tables in London, Edinburgh and Sydney for 16 years. Now employed in the restaurant of a London casino.

Deevat: Has worked in some of London's best-known restaurants and hotels for the past 23 years.

How to get good service

“Look them in the eye and smile” Amanda

“When people ask how you are, which doesn't happen all the time, you want to serve them and help them to have a good time” Lola

Nightmare customers
The vomiters

We have a customer, an elderly gentleman, who always has the same thing: a glass of red wine and a sandwich. One day he was in the middle of eating and he leant over to his right and vomited on the carpet. Then he continued to eat his sandwich. He has done that twice now. It's disgusting. We also get the nose-blowers - customers who really let rip and blow their nose in the napkins, then expect you to clear them up. Foul. Jane

I remember a table of six and one of the guys was all over the place - he seemed drunk but his friends said he was jet lagged. Then he vommed into an ice-bucket - and held it out to the waiter to take away. The strange thing was, when we got the ice-bucket cleaned off, it had stripped away the silver - it must have been his stomach acid. Deevat

The chancers

The other day one of my waitresses accidentally spilt some red wine on a customer's dress - a tiny, tiny drop from her glass, but it's still a bad mistake. So she apologised profusely. Then the people on the table with the customer demanded a free bottle of wine. They lied and said that the waitress had spilt the bottle over her. What do you do in a situation like that? We'll pay for your dry-cleaning and say sorry, but don't treat us like idiots and don't lie. Amanda

Birthday parties are annoying. I work in expensive, upmarket bars and restaurants but groups come in and say: “It's his birthday - can we have some free drinks?” It happens a lot. Or they say: “If we have five drinks, can we get one free?” Lola

The supermodel

At one restaurant where I worked for a long time, we would write “Happy birthday” and the customer's name in chocolate around the edge of the plate, which was a nice touch. But we had other customers - famous customers - who became jealous if they didn't get the special attention they thought they deserved, even if it wasn't their birthday. The one I remember was *** *** (one of Britain's best-known models) who got really upset. She was at a table at a birthday gathering, and we actually had to write “We like you, too, ***” just to get her to shut the f*** up! I'll never forget that. I don't think she ate too much anyway. And she spent a lot of time in the ladies. Deevat

Sleazy men

I've been patted on the bottom ... I'm like, OK, I'll let you get away with that - once. But you'd better tip well. And you'd better not do it twice. Amanda

I had a customer snog me. A lot of our regulars we greet with a kiss to both cheeks. This guy, who had been a customer for a while, is really, really generous. But one night he held my head and tried to ram his tongue in my mouth - I had to use both hands to push him off. He said: “What do you expect?” I pointed out that I was not a whore. We also had a guy who would spill food on himself, then say “Oh, help me. I need help” - and ask you to wipe it off. And he would have spilt it in his crotch area. Pathetic. Jane

We've had customers who have taken it farther and actually waited by the bus stop in a car to try to take one of the waitresses home. It's creepy. Deevat

Amorous couples

One of the most difficult things I've ever had to do was go into the ladies and ask a couple to stop having sex. They were from a party in the private room and the wine was flowing like you wouldn't believe. I think there must have been cocaine, too. I had to drag them out of there. Deevat

I used to work in this trendy place in Clapham with banquette seating. It was about ten o'clock in the evening and this young guy and girl started pretty heavy foreplay - right there in the restaurant. He was, um, kneeling on the floor. Horrible. Jane

Drug users/smokers

A couple came in off the street and asked if they could use the loo. I said sure, but they went in together. So I opened the door and they were doing cocaine. I went mental: I threw it all away and threw them out. How dare they? Another girl started racking up lines of cocaine on the table - shameless. Amanda

Thieves

In a members' bar where I once worked we had beautiful expensive hand-blown glassware. You'd serve some champagne to a party of six, come back and there would be only four glasses on the table. I'd say “Come on, guys, who wants to get the glasses out of their bag?” but they would deny it. So I'd say, “Right, I'm going to the other side of the room and when I come back they are all going to be on the table.” It was like being a nursery school teacher. Lola

Revenge

We had a customer who was one of the managers at the hotel restaurant where I once worked. He would come in religiously every night and have the same meal. He would arrive at the busiest time and take a whole table, which meant that you got fewer tips. He was rude, he p***ed off the chefs and everyone else. We got sick of it. Now, we had a small cockroach problem at that time. The chef said “watch this” and he cut open the side of the steak, shoved a live cockroach in, then seared it closed on the grill. Then we had a two-a-side football match around the kitchen floor, using the steak as a football. It was horrible. The guy didn't notice - he ate the whole lot. Deevat

Best tip

I served a glass of Evian once and got a £500 tip. But strangely enough, the same guy came in later that night and had a double double Louis XIII - a very expensive brandy that cost £500 - and he didn't tip. Deevat

It was £4,000, from the consort of the head of state of an extremely oil-rich country, to whom I served a glass of water and a tray of tea and chocolates. Jane

Worst tip

There was a party of six who had three courses, brandy, everything. They left 15p on the table. I ran after them and said: “Excuse me, you left this on the table.” They replied: “Oh no, that's for you.” And I said: “If that's for me, you need it more than I do” and threw the coins at them. I got a written warning for that. Deevat

I got a 2p tip once. Jane

Chien flambé

Dogs are not allowed in restaurants, but one guy came in with a little dog and I let him keep it under the table. The man got really drunk, and when he came to leave he picked up the dog and accidentally held it over a candle. The dog was set alight. That was awful. Candles are dangerous - people check the specials board and their hair goes up. Amanda

The waiters' recommended London restaurants

Ripe Tomato
on All Saints Road (W11) is great - we went for my fiancé's birthday. It feels like a boutique restaurant but with the atmosphere of a family home. No stress. And good music. Lola

Trinity
in Clapham, and the Notting Hill Brasserie - I love it in there. The service is great. Jane

J Sheekey
is still brilliant. And Scott's of Mayfair. The standard and attention to detail are the best. Deevat

San Lorenzo,
I love it! But I don't go out to eat much, to be honest. Amanda

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