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Chewton Glen’s still nice. The set tea was absolutely superb. The hotel’s been tarted up. Adequately, except for the nauseating deep purple dining room. It used to be cheerful yellow.

The breakfast waiter greeted me with, “Good morning, Mr Winter.” This doesn’t indicate a tight ship. To Andrew’s credit, he removed Peter’s “no jeans” rule. Bit late for me as I now wear pyjamas.

In the morning I went to the Bournemouth International Centre to receive a major award from the Police Federation at its annual conference. Andrew said, “Allow 20 minutes.” It took one hour, 10 minutes. Sorry to say it, Andrew: Peter would have checked meticulously and given me an accurate timing.

Plane stupid

Pathetic: Willie Wonka, aka Wee Willie Walsh, non-esteemed boss of British Airways, announces a loss of £401m in one year and says he’ll take no salary for July. He says BA staff should lose a month’s pay, too. If Willie took nil for the whole year he’d still be overpaid.

In a similar period Virgin Atlantic’s profits were £68.4m, double the previous year. Ryanair predicts profits of £260m this year. Its chief executive, Michael O’Leary, pronounced the business-class strategy of British Airways dead. In the meantime Silly-Willie Walsh announces greatest profits are from first-class passengers but he’s having no first class in new planes on order.

Doesn’t worry me. I switched to Virgin years ago. Any company that produces waffles in their lounge as good as Virgin’s deserves total support.

Fjord focus

Ever since I was bedazzled by the Cinerama three-screen scenery in Song of Norway (1970) starring Harry Secombe I’ve been determined to visit the fjords and eat herring followed by reindeer fillets with lingonberries.

Two Norwegian companies offered a boat (crew of six) for me and Geraldine to go fjording for seven days, staying overnight at picturesque village hotels. The cheapest quote, excluding private jet to and fro, was £110,000. It would have ended up a minimum of £150,000 for a week. To add insult to insult they wanted me to pay in advance. I don’t do that.

We're now calling hotels on the fjords, saying, “Can you get a boat for Mr Winner to go from your fjord to the one next door?” That way we’ll see four or five fjords. Maybe helicopter to a couple more. Assuming I pull it off, you’ll be the second to know.

Wonder woman

Tom tells his friend Alan, “I think I’m going to divorce my wife. She hasn’t spoken to me in over two months.”

Alan considers, and says: “You’d better think it over, Tom. Women like that are hard to find.”

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