I drive a Ford Fiesta. I am not ashamed of it in the least. I’ll have you know it is a Zetec, which means it is the same as a Ford Fiesta except with a cool, z-based word embossed on the back of the hatch in top-quality metal-coloured plastic. The last person to admire it (the funky z-based word, rather than the car) was a friend of mine in whose private jet I had just flown to Venice and back for lunch, and whose Ferrari was warming up next to it on the frosty gravel forecourt of his country estate, prior to a trip to buy the papers to see how much of the world he controlled on that particular morning.

“Hmm, ‘Zetec’, nice,” he said, only just audible over the volcanic rumble of his £200,000 supercar as it shuddered the Oxfordshire snow from its bonnet like Naomi Campbell shrugging off mink. “What does it mean?”

I have no idea what it means, so I told him it meant that the car was also a helicopter. But I doubt he believed me. If they made Ford Fiestas that turned into helicopters, he’d have three. And one on his boat.

As with all truly beloved motor cars, I did not choose it, it chose me. It was in the bleak midwinter of 2003 when, as a result of two or three calamitous incidents in low-to-middle-end British sports cars, I was not only carless but quite unable to secure insurance of any kind on any vehicle, and I happened to notice a sign outside Dagenham Ford at Highbury Corner, not ten minutes from my home, which read: “One Year’s Free Fully Comprehensive Insurance With Any New Car Purchased In January.”

I went in and asked if that was to any customer at all, regardless of their driving record.

“Any driver,” he said. “No questions asked.”

“So what’s the cheapest car you’ve got?” I asked.

“Well, Ford do make a…”

“No, the cheapest car you have here, now, ready to drive away.”

“Well, it would be the Ford Fiesta Zetec in midnight blue over there, which is nine, nine, nine, nine.”

“What?”

“It costs nine, nine, nine, nine”.

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