hi. may i first say that i am deeply sorry that life has dealt you this blow. i have suffered 3 miscarriages and 1 stillbirth. my 1st was at 9 weeks, 2nd 16 wks and my 3rd one was at 19 wks. my son declan was stillborn at 26 weeks. we now have a beautiful daughter age 12 years, she was born 14 weeks premature and we thought that we were going to loose her on 3 occasions after she was born. the pain never goes away i think about my babies everyday and miss them beyond believe. each time you have a miscarriage you feel like you loose a part of yourself with the baby. it does help to talk about it and i am very lucky to have a partner and family to share my grieve with. many thanks for giving me this opportunity to share my feelings, god bless

lizzy, shrewsbury, uk

Im sorry that you have lost 3 angels. I have just had my 11th miscarriage so can understand the pain of losing one after the other. I belong to a wonderful online community on ivillage - the recurrent miscarriage board and it helps to talk to others who are going through/ have been through the same.

xxx

Michelle, Angus, Scotland

Hello,
I've had three miscarriages too and am still devastated and hoping to be a mum one day. I cried all the way through reading this article and all the comments. I think the only comment I didn't relate to is the American lady who says English people suffer in silence and don't visit consultants, that isn't true, a great many recurrent miscarriers go to great lengths to explore all the medical possibilities. I just wanted to let anyone reading this article know that we have a discussion board on ivillage for Recurrent Miscarriers, where a community of us support each other, it has helped me to cope more than anything. Please feel welcome to join us at: http://messageboards.ivillage.co.uk/iv-ukpbrepeatmc

Seraphina, Wales, UK

I feel your pain and courage to keep going on. At my 3 month doctor's appt (1 week ago), I was told my baby's heart stopped beating. On top of that I was sent home to have my M/C naturally. I sit here on pins and needles waiting for "it" to happen. My emotions flutter up and down w/o warning. I so yearn to have a child, but admit I am terrified of going through this massive lost again. People mean well, but unless they have experienced this kind of loss, they truly do not understand and say things out of ignorance, not malice. I don't know what the future holds, but I won't give up. Don't let anybody or anything smother the fire in your spirit. Get all necessary medical workup, fight for what you want, and pray for strength to endure. I'm at the beginning stages of my healing process. Though I will never forget my loss, I hope the pain lessens with time. I planted me a memorial garden to help me grieve and everytime I look at it, I smile and think of my baby. Bless you.

Catherine, New Orleans, LA

Miscarriage can be a very lonely experience, but I think you just have to keep believing.

I've had three miscarriages and am still trying. I've had all the tests done at a specialist clinic and they could find nothing wrong. Most people don't realise how long the whole process takes, especially if you miscarry late, you've obviously been pregnant awhile and then have to wait until the miscarriage is complete and one more regular cycle before you can start again (so usually takes about 3 months). I've spent the past two years being pregnant 3 times and usually only takes me four months to get pregnant again.

I think like all things in life you just have to take the positives. I've experienced close family death and some things can never be rationally explained or translated to other people. It's hard not to feel resentful, but I think it can eat you up inside if you do. I wouldn't wish a miscarriage on anyone, and think that everyone in my situation should just try to stay positive!

Maggie Ferrell, Ludlow,

hi my name is sharon im 39 ive had two miscarriages ihad one before christmas at 13 weeks then i found out i was pregnant in march 2007 i was over the moon but i miscarriaged at 11 weeks im so low i feel like i cant move on but i have to for my son whos 13 years old i lost the baby five weeks ago i havent had a period yet but i took a pregnancy test which was negative could it be wrong i just want a baby i just want two talk to people in the same situation do you think i will always misscarry because of my age i just dont no im holding on to hope.

sharon, leicester,

I had three consecutive miscarriages for which no cause could be found. I know the heartbreak but i did try again and have a gorgeous healthy boy - I still remember the little babies I lost. I'm so glad i did find the strength to try again.

Alison, Bristol,

According to Jewish mysticism, an embryo receives its soul fully formed at conception (even though teh physical person is not yet complete), and so a miscarraige is, really, a death, a bereavement, and should be approached and dealt with like other bereavements - with a 'closure' ceremony (akin to burial), & a greiving period (Jewish law has three levels of greiving after bereavement - a 7-day intense period of mourning when a person remains at home and others come to comfort them, a thirty-day period when certain restrictions apply (such as going to parties, listening to music) and a 1-year period when restirctions are less but a person still has a status of mourning). You may want to try approaching your miscarraiges as the bereavement they really were, & not just as some illness or blip as the medical establishment views them

Amanda, London,

I was deeply moved by your article as it brought back many painful memories for me. I feel pregnant while on honeymoon and even though the pregnancy was unplanned we were both delighted. For 11 weeks I happily went about patting my tummy and thinking about baby names. Then the week of my 12 week scan I started to bleed. A scan showed that I had miscarried at 9 1/2 weeks. I was devastated. Four months later I was pregnant again but miscarried the day after I had a positive pregnancy test. I went through a deep depression and had to be signed off work. I was very honest about my feelings and was open about what I was going through which really helped. I was not ashamed that I was in emotional pain and family and friends were very supportive. I am now 27 weeks pregnant and worry constantly. I know I will worry until the baby is born safely. My heart goes out to you. Please do keep trying. You may still be able to have the child you long for.

Lynsey G, London,

Great and brave article. In my experience as a miscarryer I can agree that there isn't a way as a society that we cope with these things. If someone's mum dies, or someone has an accident there are words and cards and things everyone knows to do and say (or not do and not say). When a woman loses a baby during pregnancy - especially "early" pregnancy there seems to be an awkwardness all round with no one knowing what to say and the woman and partner under pressure to look as if its all fine.

In case you didn't know, miscarriages can be as excrutiatingly painful and as gory as labour, with the added horror of confronting a dead foetus or baby which will either be flushed down the toilet (extraordinarily common) or incinerated with no ceremony by a hospital. It is horrific.

Each couple cope in their own way but a compassionate acknowledgement of the ordeal is always going to be more welcome than sacharrine platitudes about "natures way" or "you can always try again".

Bella T, Birmingham,

No-one can understand how you feel if they haven't been through it themselves and it is a tragedy that you should
have been made to feel that you were in some way over reacting.

I have two lovely children and I can't imagine being without them - I have not had a miscarriage, but I can imagine that I would only ever feel the way you describe - full of loss and sadness.

Helen S, Liverpool,

I had 3 miscarriages before having a son, and a friend had 5 miscarriages before going on to have 2 daughters. The NHS won't do investigations until you've had 3 miscarriages for the very good reason that even then you're very likely to have a healthly live baby. I know its hard to keep trying but its worth at least seeing if there's anything which can easily be treated - my friend and i both have blood clotting disorder which is treated with clexane. good luck.

LP, poole,

My Mother-in-Law suffered 7 miscarriages/stillbirths prior to giving birth to a healthy boy (my Husband). I can't imagine how she & her husband had the life left in them to keep trying. I don't think I could.

Kate M, Colchester, UK

I am an acupuncturist who deals with women who have had miscarriages. Sometimes acupucture along with aspirin can help avert a miscarriage. I would recoment a work up with a specialist who deals with blood clotting issues. I have had patients who have found out that they have had blood clotting factors, when they are placed on Aspirin or Heparin they carrty to term. The problem with English people is they roll over and don't investigate the medical problem property. They suffer in silence in the English way.
A visit to a a consultant could change their lives forever.

Mary, Ventura, USA, CA

I can relate to your story, even though I never became pregnant. I went through three in vitro fertilization treatments, all unsucessful. During that time, friends and sisters in law became pregnant and carried beautiful babies to term. I sat through many a baby shower, came home and cried for the duration of the evening. Christmas Eve 1997 was unbearable as my brother in laws wife, announced to the entire family in front of the Christmas tree that she was pregnant for the first time. She did this knowing I was told by the Chief of Infertility Medicine at The Brigham and Women's Hospital in Boston, MA that it was impossible for me to concieve. I did become a mother, my husband Jack and I adopted our beautiful, smart happy daughter Jacquelyn from China in 1999. She is my heart and soul, residing in my life as I carried her in my heart and mind for the year and a half it took to complete the process and bring her home. I am a mom!
Hang in there, you have friends who care!

Sue Bertram, Milton, MA, USA

If they have had a miscarriage use your imagination and cut them some slack. They know, if they have already had a baby, what they have lost. It is the same as you - potential - they just have the details in far more stark detail. I was going to call her Alice and stood by the window remembering how close your arms come together when you hold a new born baby. After all why should anything go wrong? I had had 2 healthy pregnancies already. The fact that each child is as unique as you or I made it all the more difficult when I saw the flickering light on the screen and was told I would miscarry. I can remember biting my hand so hard it bled,so I would not wake up the toddler and child asleep with us in the hotel room. I wanted to see properly what I had lost but couldn't do that as my 3 year old burst into the toilet and I had to flush it really fast so he wouldn't see. My guess is those mothers understand more than you might think.

melly, Manchester,

So sad to hear you have been through such pain.

People tend to say tactless things about miscarriage. I have had four miscarriages but finally had a healthy baby five years ago. I don't dare try for another baby, though - I couldn't face another loss.

Thinking of you.

Hannah, Morpeth, UK