Something is gravely amiss in the corridors of power. First, the French go and elect themselves a President who claims not to drink wine, which is a bit like the Scottish electing a First Minister with an allergy to haggis: peculiarly unnatural.

Now our own Government in London is proposing a crackdown on drinking at the privacy of one’s own dinner table. Specifically, middle-class wine drinkers, “those that are maybe drinking one or two bottles of wine at home each evening”.

Yes, that’s right, you with the leftover half-bottle of red in the fridge from last night (I always find it keeps so much better than way, just remember to take it out half an hour before you drink it); looking forward to finishing it off later on, were you?

Well, if this lot get their way, you won’t be able to. If you persist, you will be branded a foul drunk, an irresponsible drain on health resources, a blot on society. You might even find yourself in a labour camp (oh, sorry, haven’t they announced that yet? I’m reliably informed that it’s at committee stage).

Aside from the fact that such a directive is staggeringly hypocritical coming from an administration that introduced 24-hour drinking (it’s fine to get completely bladdered 24/7 as long as you’re contributing significantly to the health of the powerful brewery lobbies and the Exchequer), these proposals are intolerable.

Not only do they intrude on the population’s fundamental right to privacy, they are also an attempt to add a moral burden to the shoulders of the already overworked and overtaxed middle classes. These plans have nothing to do with safeguarding the nation’s health and everything to do with eroding the boundaries between public and private life.

Worse, they are another example of the pernicious new Puritanism that is slowly squeezing the life and soul out of Britain. Ye gods, as my grandmother used to say, almost all the middle classes have left is their glass of wine in the evening. That bottle of organic Pech-Latt (£6.49 from Ocado, very reasonable and actually extremely drinkable) is the equivalent of the 19th-century factory worker’s shot of gin. Because let’s face it, this Government is doing its best to make our lives about as miserable as any pox-raddled Hogarthian whore’s. Utter the word “middle class” in Whitehall and watch their greedy little pimps’ eyes light up with pound signs. Behold the British middle-classes – a docile, law-abiding army of tax slaves. Hurrah, let’s blow it all on some more social workers in Newcastle.

Here they come, edict after edict, each one (surprise, surprise), requiring a considerable financial outlay. Car seats for 11-year-olds? That’ll be £50, please; ID cards? Better start saving up now. Home information packs? Goodness only knows, but you can be sure that someone will be made to pay, and it will almost certainly be the middle-class taxpayer, since the law now applies only to dwellings with four bedrooms or more. And now they have the audacity to come into our heavily mortgaged homes and tell us how much we can drink.

Naturally, there are always going to be those who drink too much, in all walks of life. Everyone knows the apocryphal story of the middle-class mum turning up for the school run too sozzled from the night before to park her 4x4 straight. But only a fool would formulate policy on that basis. Most people are perfectly capable of enjoying a glass of two of wine in the evenings without setting fire to their hair, beating up their children or ending up with liver failure before the age of 50.

This Government doesn’t give a fig about the civil liberties of those people. It finds it preferable (and easier, since it requires a far coarser brush) to set all rules and standards according to the lowest common denominator. It did it only two weeks ago, with the new guidelines on drinking during pregnancy. Just because some women drink too much when pregnant, now the rest of us have to be subject to a ban. Great: more disapproving glares in restaurants.

And it runs throughout society: we now live in a country where grannies teaching Sunday school crèches are subject to Criminal Records Bureau checks. Soon there will be locks on our bins because this nanny state cannot trust us with our own rubbish.

Meanwhile, in areas where a ban might actually be a good idea, such as properly curtailing junk food advertising, it has mysteriously sticky feet. Wouldn’t want to upset those lobbies, now, would we?

I have always faintly admired the older generation’s ability to drink two preprandial Martinis and still hold a coherent conversation during lunch. As I stare an increasingly drab future in the face, their efforts now seem almost heroic. Up until now, I have always been a moderate drinker. From now on, however, I shall be making a more concerted effort.

As the Beastie Boys so elegantly put it: you’ve got to fight for your right to party. The battle is upon us. Ladies and gentlemen, the time has come to raise up your glasses in protest. Pass the corkscrew, please.

The good, the bad – and the effects of a lunchtime tipple

Effects on the body: about 90 to 98 per cent of alcohol is broken down by six enzymes, known collectively as alcohol dehydrogenase. These are present in small amounts in our stomachs and in larger amounts in our livers. Very small amounts of alcohol are lost in our urine about 40 minutes after we start drinking, and tiny amounts exit our bodies in sweat and tears. Women have less dehydrogenase than men, which is partly why they feel the effects of alcohol more rapidly. Women also have more fat and less water in their bodies, so alcohol is less diluted in their systems.

It is thought that, on average, a healthy person can metabolise just under a unit of alcohol an hour, though this varies depending on sex, size, ethnic group and whether you are taking medication. A big man who drinks every day may make more alcohol dehydrogenase, as the production of these enzymes can be induced the more that he drinks. He may be able to clear three units an hour. Small women who drink infrequently could take two hours to metabolise one unit. Many East Asian people have impaired production of alcohol dehydrogenase and process alcohol more slowly. Certain drugs interfere with these enzymes; aspirin is one (worth noting if you are taking aspirin on a plane to help to thin your blood), as well as certain medications for stomach ulcers.

Chronic drinkers who exceed the daily safe upper limits are likely to be severely taxing the alcohol-breaking enzymes in the liver. When this happens fats tend to accumulate in the small blood vessels around liver cells, which then begin to die, a process which, among other changes to liver cells, leads to cirrhosis, a potentially fatal disease. Excess alcohol can also lead to higher incidences of oesophageal cancer – 75 per cent of people with this cancer have been identified as heavy drinkers (those who usually drink six units or more a day). People who imbibe more than four units have a ninefold increase in the risk of mouth cancer, a figure that rises if you smoke.

Lunchtime drinking: we make fewer alcohol-breaking enzymes during the day, so having a drink at lunchtime has more effect than at 8pm, when production is at its peak. Research suggests that when you are tired one drink can act like two. Premenstrual hormonal changes have a similar effect. The enzymes break down the alcohol into acetaldehyde, which is more toxic than alcohol itself. This is eventually converted into fats, carbon dioxide and water.

Beneficial effects: moderate drinkers, regardless of the source of the alcohol, have a lower risk of cardiovascular disease. Certainly resveratrol, a super-nutrient found in the skin of grapes, appears to have strong antioxidant effects in our bodies. Studies indicate that it may help to stop “bad” LDL cholesterol and blood platelets from clumping together, reducing the risk of furred arteries and so the risk of heart disease and stroke. Pinot noir grapes have especially high levels of resveratrol, and grapes grown in areas that provide warmth and moisture, such as Chilean valleys, Bordeaux and Burgundy in France, have some of the best levels of this antioxidant. Other super-nutrients in wine also have antioxidant effects, helping to improve levels of “good” HDL cholesterol and relaxing blood vessels by increasing the local release of nitric oxide, which lowers blood pressure.

Unit trust – calculate exactly how much you drink

Curled up at home after a hard day’s work, chatting to family, reading a book or zoned-out in front of the TV, many of us indulge in a relaxing slosh or two of wine. But are you imbibing more than the Government says you should? You could be.

In recent years wines have become much stronger and standard measures larger. Even if you stick to a single glass of wine, you could easily be drinking more than the recommended daily amount – three to four units for men, two to three for women. A single unit of alcohol, as defined by the Government, is 125ml (4fl oz) of a wine that is 8 per cent alcohol by volume (ABV). This measure was devised in the late 1980s, when many of the most popuar wines were only around 8 per cent alcohol. Nowadays, though, it’s difficult to find wine with an ABV of less than 12 per cent and it is not uncommon for the ABV to hit 15 per cent.

So it’s up to us to figure out how many units we are consuming. You can do this using an equation: units drunk equals ABV multiplied by the volume of wine in millilitres divided by 1,000. However, given the vogue for outsized wine glasses, it’s important to monitor exactly how much wine is being poured.

You might be an unwitting binge drinker. The official figure for binge drinking is only six units for women, or two large glasses of wine, and eight for men. The average UK adult binge drinks 28 times a year, while an Italian does so just eight times a year and a Spaniard 14 times a year. And it’s not just about how much we drink – it’s also the way we drink. In Italy 51 per cent of people drink alcohol only when they are eating. In the UK, just 7 per cent of people drink when only they are eating. Drinking with food slows down the rate at which alcohol is absorbed, which lessens its effects and reduces drunkenness.

— AMANDA URSELL

Wine always feels like a treat, not an essential

Miranda, 36, a GP from Hertfordshire. Married with two children:

I drink at least one glass of wine a night, usually more, but I always wait until 6pm before I have my first drink. A typical week goes as follows: Monday: a Hendrick’s gin with cucumber – delicious – followed by a glass of wine with dinner. Tuesday to Thursday: pretty much the same. Friday: I would still have the gin, but would also have two to three glasses of wine with dinner. Weekends: quite often I don’t drink as we are doing things with the children, but if I were to go out for dinner I might drink half a bottle of wine.

My husband doesn’t drink, and I never drink at lunch unless there is a special occasion. I keep a vague note of what I am drinking and never go over 21 units a week.

I think it is just as possible to be a middle-class alcoholic and in denial about it as it is for anyone else. It’s just that if you are middle class, people don’t expect you to have a problem with alcohol. I know women who need a glass of wine to survive the day. I’m not like that. Wine always feels like a treat, rather than an essential.

I look forward to my first drink

Timothy, 47, a lawyer from London. Married with three children:

I have a drink every day. I can’t remember the last time I did not have a drink. It was probably the day I went into hospital for a minor operation about two years ago. This is roughly what I drank last week. Monday: a pint of lager after work with colleagues. A can of Stella when I got home. Tuesday: two cans of Stella at home. Wednesday: pint of lager in a bar, shared two bottles of red wine with two friends over dinner. Thursday: a glass of white wine at lunch, a pint of lager after work, half a can of lager at home. Friday: a glass of red wine at lunch, a predinner gin and tonic. Shared one bottle of wine with my wife over dinner in a restaurant. Saturday: a can of lager in the evening. One glass of wine with dinner. Sunday: red wine for lunch with friends. Nothing in the evening.

I am aware that written down, this looks like a lot of alcohol. But I am otherwise fit. I cycle to work every day and eat healthily. I don’t think I have an alcohol problem, but I do look forward to my first drink of the day.

I always wake with a hangover

Suzy, 32, a speech therapist in London:

My friends are always telling me that I drink a lot, although I never seem to be more drunk than they are, or indeed drunk at all. I think in part that is because I have a good constitution for alcohol, like my father. Generally, I drink every day, and often start at 5pm. If I am on my own, I will often drink half a bottle of wine while watching TV, and sometimes more – my fridge will always have a chilled bottle of white in it. If I am out with friends having a low-key dinner, I frequently have a bottle of wine on my own, and if I’m out late and at parties, I would probably drink between two and three bottles of wine. So, depending on my social schedule, my average weekly intake would range from between five to ten bottles of wine.

I always wake up with a hangover, but it goes quickly, and I enjoy the experience too much to let it stop me drinking later that day. But I’m not an alcoholic. I can easily go for weeks without wine if I’m on a health kick, and I don’t rely on it for confidence. I just find that life is a more civilised place if a glass of wine is in my hand.

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