A Californian woman divorced her husband last month because he played computer
games at night and slept during the day; another faced jail after stabbing
and beating her husband because of his snoring. Both examples are
tragic-comic glimpses into a serious but rarely discussed minefield for
couples: sleep incompatibility.
Research by the Sleep Council has found that half of us are regularly woken
about six times a night by our partners, particularly if they snore or
fidget. Dr Chris Alford, a sleep psychologist from the University of the
West of England, says that “sleep conflicts” often will result in
relationship conflicts. The problem is so great that more people seem to be
taking to single beds. The Sleep Council says that one in four of us
regularly retreats to a spare room or sofa for a refreshing night's sleep,
and the National Association of Home Builders predicts that by 2015 more
than 60 per cent of custom-built houses will have dual master bedrooms.
This is the right approach, say an increasing number of psychologists and
sleep experts. In a 24/7 world where sleep is increasingly precious, single
beds may represent the future.
Snoring is the most obvious source of bedtime tensions. About a quarter of us
- 15million people - are snorers, according to the British Snoring and Sleep
Apnoea Association, and may be depriving their partners of two hours sleep a
night. Then there's wrestling for the duvet, kicking during dreams and
restless leg syndrome, a condition that becomes increasingly common as we
grow older.
Outside the bed, different sleep cycles can be just as disruptive, as Mr and
Mrs Millard demonstrate (see right). Every one of us has a different body
clock with some of us preferring the early hours (known by sleep experts as
larks) and some late nights (owls).
A small study of sleeping partners by the University of Wisconsin concluded
that the greatest sleep-induced tensions occurred when one partner was a
lark, the other an owl. The amount of time available for them to communicate
and enjoy each other's company may be compromised as a result - unless one
tries to change his or her natural inclinations.
What can couples do? Only so much - at least if you're a heterosexual couple.
Sleep conflicts seem to be bound up with fundamental biological and
behavioural differences between the sexes. For example, when Professor Jim
Horne, the director of the Loughborough University Sleep Research Centre,
attached movement monitors to men and women sleepers, he found that men
moved much more than women and were far more likely to disturb women than
the other way round. This was confirmed recently in a study, reported in the
journal Sleep and Biological Rhythms, that found that women benefited far
more from sleeping alone than men. They seemed to sleep more easily through
disturbance.
Curves and bad vibrations
Sammy Margo, the author of The Good Sleep Guide, published next week, points
to other fundamental differences. “Hormonal fluctuations because of the
menstrual cycle can disrupt sleep. And women with curves have different
mattress needs from men.” A man's extra weight can mean, for instance, that
any movement is likely to rebound through a double mattress, while their
partner is unlikely to produce such reverberations.
Male assertiveness also seems to play a part. Research from Surrey University
has found that women tend to let their partners snore, while men are more
likely to give an admonitory prod.
Whichever way you look at it, women come off worse, especially if you take
into account that they are more likely to wake up in response to children
crying. However, Margo believes that couples shouldn't despair. Her new book
aims to provide practical solutions for people with sleep problems.
Her tips for a successful night's sleep are partly based on helping both
partners to sleep better through changes to diet and daytime habits, but
also on trying to synchronise waking and sleeping patterns. But she says
that any couple with severe sleep conflicts should consider separate beds,
although this is something people don't like talking about. “When couples
first start sleeping together, they are willing to sacrifice comfort to be
close to their partner. After a while, when emotional closeness is assured,
many just want to have a good night's sleep again. This isn't selfish,
distant or unromantic; it's just practical,” she says.
Professor Horne agrees that if you're having sleep problems, separate
mattresses are worth considering, and adds that he is encountering more and
more couples with separate beds.
Sharing a bed is a "curious British norm"
Rob Meadow, a sociologist from Surrey University who has studied the
relationship between sleep and gender, points out that a shared bed is a
curiously British norm. “It's very interesting why couples feel the need to
go to bed at the same time and in the same place,” he says. “It's societally
defined. One couple told me they'd tried sleeping in separate rooms two days
a week to catch up on sleep. When their teenage children came back from
university they were convinced their parents were about to divorce.”
All the advice from relationship experts is that sleeping separately can be
the sign of a strongly bonded couple communicating their needs. But if
you're worried that it might impair your love life, take some advice from
Queen Victoria. Like most affluent Victorians, she had a separate bedroom
from her husband. But any night she wished Prince Albert to enter her room,
she left a bowl of oranges outside her door. They apparently appeared nearly
every night.
The Good Sleep Guide (Vermilion, £9.99), by Sammy Margo, is available from
Times Books First for £9.49, p&p free. Phone 0870 1608080 or visit
timesonline.co.uk/booksfirst
Philip and Rosie Millard, a middle-aged couple from Islington, have
different sleep patterns . . .
Mr Millard says “It should be morning but the clock only says 1.30am.
I've woken up again. I ponder a trip to the kitchen for some water but worry
about waking the dog and my sound-asleep partner. I doze. Now it's 4.30am. I
repeat the routine. I give up the fight at 6.15 and go off for an early
bath.
“This happens most nights, but it didn't used to. The rot set in when we had
our first baby ten years ago, when the light went on as she demanded the
first of several nocturnal feeds. After six months she and her mother slept
through, but I could not.
“I am much more irritable without sleep. To compensate, I am forever playing
sleep catch-up games. In the theatre I have developed a clever sleeping
position for the first acts of plays, cupping my chin in the palm of my
hand. It winds Rosie up no end, and can be quite embarrassing for her
because she's a theatre critic.
“Even more distressing is my impersonation of a worn-out derelict during News
at Ten, hunkering down on the sofa after the headlines, to be woken by a
sharp tug from Rosie an hour later. It's about 11.30pm
before I finally struggle up to bed.”
Sammy Margo, author of The Good Sleep Guide, says “Philip tends to be
more of a lark than an owl. He may have an anxious personality that makes
him more likely to have disrupted sleep.
Margo's advice
Avoid caffeine after lunch
Stick to low-GI foods, such as oats, and most fruits and veg, to stabilise
energy swings
Eat foods that contain tryptophan, a substance that promotes sleep, such as
turkey, almonds, spinach, Marmite, poultry and warm milk
If you need to stay up late, get plenty of fresh air during the afternoon
Get a more comfortable bed
Learn to only nap between 1pm and 3pm; napping after that will disrupt sleep
Have a warm bath before going to bed
Mr Millard's verdict
I've tended to lie awake worrying about Sammy's advice. I don't like foods
containing tryptophan and I found having a snooze between 1pm and 3pm
impractical. The sensible caffeine embargo means I have one less way of
preventing the early evening flop.
On the other hand, the dietary changes and the late-night baths have helped. I
have had at least two sleeps in the past week which resembled my student
days, when I could merrily sleep in until lunch.
Have I stayed awake in the theatre? Well the flamenco dancing at Sadler's
Wells
was pretty good, and I could even talk knowledgeably about it to Rosie
afterwards. Next stop, a new bed.
And his wife?
Mrs Millard says “Whenever I am in transit, I crash out for mini-naps
(10 minutes), or nano micro-mini naps (10 seconds). When I wake up, I feel
refreshed but disorientated.
“I'm usually so exhausted that if I'm not doing something, I'll fall asleep.
It's hopeless if I am trying to be an alert car passenger for Mr Millard. My
nodding-off drives him crazy.
“I'm a great sleeper in bed. The only time I stir is when the children wake
me. Last week our three-year-old woke at 2.45am. We both eventually got back
to sleep at 5am. After a night like that, I probably don't catch up for
about three days, meaning that I am exhausted for most of the week.
“Pip and I usually go to bed around midnight, unless I make a gargantuan
effort to get to bed early.”
Sammy Margo says Rosie is neither an owl nor a lark, and seems to be
able to override tiredness, using napping as an occasional catch-up.
Margo's advice
Take naps of up to 20 minutes at set times; mid-morning and between 1pm-3pm
Wear earplugs to minimise broken nights from kids crying out
Get out in the sunlight
Take up activities to clear your mind, such as yoga or fun time with the kids.
This is to reboot your brain, rather than to shut it down with a sleep
Mrs Millard's verdict
I jettisoned some of Sammy's advice right away. The idea that I drive Mr
Millard to the theatre is a non-starter. The man is a power freak in the
car, and would never be relaxed enough to sit, let alone sleep, in the
passenger seat. Also, I don't mind the children waking me in the night, so
her suggestion that I wear earplugs is a no-no. I would hate to think of
them crying on their own in the dark.
Her idea that I have specific moments to clear my mind is good. An afternoon
walk helps to stop me nodding off at non-prescribed nap times. Actually,
exercise has been great for my sleepy head; if I wear out my body with an
eight-mile run in the morning, my brain is far less likely to switch into
sleep mode.
Margo's tips for getting the Millard sleeping patterns back into synch
They can help each other to maintain even energy levels through food, exercise
and minimising stimulants and sedatives
Wearing ear plugs will minimise noise disturbance
Let Rosie drive to and from theatre, so Philip can relax and Rosie can stay
awake
