My daughter, 3, recently said, “Mummy, I am a bit fat” and pointed to her round tummy. I feel upset. Her older brother is naturally skinny, but has been conscious of body shape since he was about 5. My daughter is a gorgeous cherub, but not fat. She eats lots of fruit and vegetables and healthy meals. We have “treats” - ice-cream, chocolate and home-made fairy cakes - because I believe it important to normalise these things, but she doesn't eat a lot of them. I've always been a normal weight and have a healthy attitude to food, although I am dieting to lose the 1st I gained in pregnancy. I explain it as a healthy-eating phase and try to avoid the diet word. “Fatty” is the rude name of choice at her nursery and my son's school, and despite my warnings they do call each other that a bit. How do I help her to develop a robust and healthy attitude to her body?
Lynette

Your question is interesting because underpinning it is your anxiety that your daughter's comment is related to her having concerns about her body weight and shape. What is important is to find out who holds the most anxiety about her body shape, you or your daughter.

Accessibility of information and the commercialisation of childhood can make for a toxic mix of dysfunctional values and images aimed at children who cannot evaluate them. That makes them more vulnerable to internalising ideals around body size and shape that are unhealthy. Studies at Sussex University have been conducted with very young girls and it appears that there is a period at about the age of 5 in which they start to internalise the concepts of fat as being undesirable and skinny (underweight) as being the desired norm.

Recently, I joined the researchers when making a TV series about the extremes of human behaviour (Am I Normal, BBC2, from Saturday). They presented a group of little girls with pictures of girls of different shapes and sizes - they all evaluated the fat child the most negatively. The youngest in the group, aged 5, stated that this child “would have no friends because she was fat”. This is shocking because it shows how even the very young are not immune to developing perverse values about weight and success/popularity in life. None of these children will be readers of magazines, so where do they get such ideas? All the girls said that they wanted to be Barbie when they grew up. It's important to note that if Barbie were a real woman - while retaining her proportions - she would likely be anorexic, and would probably develop curvature of the spine as a result of being unable to support her huge breasts. Recent research in the US also reveals that vulnerable young girls can develop problems such as eating disorders and mental health difficulties in a world that encourages them to value themselves via external features rather than a strong self-esteem. This is a recipe for emotional disaster.

Your daughter is too young to have a hardwired distorted internal set of beliefs about weight, but she is beginning to pick up the messages. However, I wonder whether you harbour concerns about her body shape given that her brother is the skinnier one.You need to be honest with yourself because the amount of anxiety that you are feeling is palpable. I do understand some anxiety, given the pressures that we know exist in this body-fascist world, but please be careful that your preoccupations with your weight aren't projecting your “body issues” on to your child.

I would mention the “fattist” teasing at school to the teachers - this needs to be dealt with sensitively and assertively. I also advise that you eat “healthily” with the rest of your family - everyone should eat the same thing. Finally, reduce your anxiety so that you can pass off her comments with little attention, yet also challenge her and your son robustly if teasing takes place. Let her know that her tummy is beautiful, too.

Explore Health

• Expert Advice

• Health Features

• Mental Health

• Alternative Medicine

• Child Health

• Health Club