NERVOUS BREAKDOWN

Who says this? Just about anyone non-medical and, in particular, the media.

Why is it wrong? “Nervous breakdown” is used loosely to describe a variety of psychological crises. But you won't find it in any respectable medical dictionary as the term is not recognised by doctors at all.What's more accurate? It depends on the situation. It could be anything from a bout of histrionics to a full-blown psychosis.

THREE-MONTH COLIC

Who says this? Desperate parents, concerned grandparents and helpless health visitors.

Why is it wrong? Surprisingly, “three-month colic” remains something of a mystery. “Colic” implies bowel spasm, but there's no proof that this is the cause of the problem; in fact, it may simply represent one extreme of normal infant crying. And it can sometimes continue beyond three months of age.

What's more accurate? There are many terms, such as “periodic crying of infancy”. They're all defined as crying that lasts at least three hours a day, for at least three days a week, for at least three weeks.

SUFFERING FROM SHOCK

Who says this? It's an old standard in the newscaster's lexicon, inevitably used to describe individuals when they have been taken to hospital after some trauma.

Why is it wrong? Shock is a specific medical term meaning the sudden onset of an abnormally low blood pressure, usually with a racing pulse. It comes in various forms: hypovolaemic (typically after blood loss), septicaemic (from an overwhelming infection), cardiogenic (after a heart attack), and anaphylactic (from a severe allergic reaction). None of these usually applies when “shock” is used by laymen.

What's more accurate? In this context, replace “shock” with “unpleasant surprise”. People are sometimes taken to hospital, but this is usually just to be “checked over”, or because they're distressed.

HAY FEVER

Who says this? Individuals who spend a certain time of the year in sneezy, red-eyed, runny-nosed misery. Doctors when they're not trying to blind you with science.

Why is it wrong? The allergy that causes the symptoms isn't restricted to hay. It can result from exposure to grasses, flowers, tree pollens and fungi. So the “hay fever” season can extend from spring all the way through to autumn.

What's more accurate? Seasonal allergic rhinitis - rhinitis meaning “inflamed nasal tissue”.

GRUMBLING APPENDIX

Who says this? People with recurrent bouts of abdominal pain. A few doctors.

Why is it wrong? The consensus among most doctors is that the appendix does not “grumble”. It either remains a silent, useless part of the gut's anatomy, or it suddenly, dramatically and painfully becomes inflamed to the point of requiring urgent surgery.

What's more accurate? Pick one from a variety of other possible causes of belly ache, such as irritable bowel syndrome or constipation.

HEARTBURN

Who says this? Many dyspeptic patients, most doctors and a variety of advertisers who promise that their antacid will extinguish those flames in your gullet.

Why is it wrong? It has nothing to do with the heart; it is caused by acid inflaming the gullet lining. The confusion doesn't end there, either. The faulty valve in the stomach that allows acid to reflux upwards is called, perplexingly, the “cardiac sphincter”. And the discomfort of heartburn can easily be confused with genuine heart pain.

What's more accurate? Gastro-oesophageal reflux disease, or Gord for short.

RINGWORM

Who says this? Panicking patients, and the fretting parents and grandparents of affected children - self-diagnosis always causes a degree of anxiety, as the notion of a worm burrowing under the skin is none too attractive.

Why is it wrong? The “ring” part is accurate, as the skin rash does have a ring-like appearance. But the “worm” isn't. Because the cause of this skin problem, which can affect a variety of areas, is a fungus.

What's more accurate? Tinea capitis, tinea corporis and tinea cruris, depending on whether the fungus is affecting the scalp, body or groin respectively.

RHEUMATISM

Who says this? Elderly patients suffering a variety of aches and pains who typically feel worse in winter. Some GPs when they can't think of a more specific diagnosis.

Why is it wrong? Simply because it isn't a specific medical term; it's no more a diagnosis than using the word “headache” as an explanation for your head pain. So you're unlikely to find it in a standard medical dictionary.

What's more accurate? It depends on the real problem, which can be anything from simple strains through muscle disease to osteo or rheumatoid arthritis.

MALE MENOPAUSE

Who says this? Journalists wanting a snappy headline and anyone trying to peddle male hormones.

Why is it wrong? The word “menopause” means “end of periods”. So, as men don't have periods, menopause can't be the correct term for that clapped-out, fed-up, middle-aged feeling.

What's more accurate? The andropause, which means an age-related decline in male hormones, sufficient to cause symptoms that include tiredness, malaise, impotence, loss of sex drive.

CONCUSSION

Who says this? Doctors and patients, but most often it's uttered by sports commentators, especially after the physio's been on to treat a clash of heads with the magic sponge.

Why is it wrong? The public use the term loosely to describe any head injury that leaves you feeling a bit dazed. Even among doctors, there's no agreement on a strict definition.

What's more accurate?

You could call it “mild traumatic brain injury”.

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